"I wanted to be untouchable and beautiful and completely dead inside."
“Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would.”
December.
I can't understand this year. It still hasn't hit me that it is already December and the whole year of 2012 blew by without me accomplishing anything I've hoped for. Half my year has been forgotten as I flirted with different substances. It's like I've been stoned on the same spot for the entirety of this year.
Regardless, I can't seem to get my mind out of Korea lately. How much I've been wanting to go back. Does this make me a coward? I can't answer this questions because I'm not even quite sure if I'm running away or not. I tell myself that it must be the weather; simple answers. People tell me the weather shouldn't be a factor because I've felt the same months ago.
And it's funny because I asked myself this question- if I woke up to a different place at a different time, would I wake up as a different person? I woke up with a disheartening answer: no. Because you can't get away from yourself. I remember telling myself how I could have been so stupid, thinking it would be possible to runaway from my own self.
But I can't help but wanting a break from everybody. And I think, this time, indefinitely. To start anew and fresh. To wake up as a completely different person and to look into the mirror and see a person I've never seen before.
They say I have low self-esteem and I know it. Someone once told me that mirrors deform the actuality of my reality. And I hoped to god that it was the truth. I hoped that what I saw in the mirror was a lie and tried my hardest to believe it. But it's sad because as much as I wished it were the truth, it wasn't. The mirror told the truth and it's a sudden realization that every single problem I have and dealt with roots within myself. And just how morbidly disgusting I am.
I don't know how to fix that.
Nonetheless, I seem to be missing quite a few people lately-people that I have let go despite my will, people who have left, and people that I had no power over. It scares me, but the same question seems to float by me to each one of you: if I could take back our last conversation, what would be different?
Is this healthy?
