Yeeeah, it's 6:50 AM and I can't sleep. Usually I end up falling asleep while listening to my iPod at around 5am, but today I had to write my optional essay. But I'm an ADD so I couldn't focus so it's all crap and random chatter about who I am, when I don't even know who I am and finished about thirty minutes ago. Actually, I didn't even finish and hoping my good friend Michel will be able to think of some brilliant ideas. Then I laid on my bed for a few minutes and my mind told me I wasn't sleepy. And at the moment my mind is all wired from too much brainstorming and thinking of like a hundred different things at the same time. I am supposed to wake up in about an hour to go do my bizznass but since I can't seem to fall asleep I have just opted to stay awake.
So, little tidbits of my life as of now.
1. I just stubbed my freaking toe on the marble fireplace shit and it hurts like a mother.
2. I couldn't find Momo until I just found out it slept in my mom's closest. Twas a lonely night without my love. I am indeed a cranky cat lady.
3. My new dog pisses the hell out of me. I bet it's because my freaking mom decided to name him Marley. Like the movie, he's annoying and a rascal and eats Momo's cat food. And unfortunately, not as loyal. I hate it and I should have just kept calling it Halbee.
... Except I like how it gets happy when it sees me.
4. And I like how cats and dogs are so different, like how cats are a lot more independent than dogs and don't need as much lovin'
5. I'm pissed off at my essay because it's not as good as I hoped, but every time I try to fix it my mind just won't let. Die, ADD.
6. Winter break could be better. SHOULD be better. I'm a failure at life. Winter break is almost over and I haven't accomplished anything. Time is going by too fast.
7. Speaking of time, it's going by way too freaking fast. I had no idea 2010 was just two days away. Where the heck did all the time go? 2009 was the gayest year of my life and 2010 better be the best year of my life. Except to make that happen I have to start the year off on a good note and accomplish my 2009 New Year Resolution. Oh, eff my life. Will be back to talk about 2009 and 2010 in a more sentimental note layturrrrr.
8. I noticed I'm always wanting to turn back time, always missing something. Like how I'm missing summer when I just wanted to die during the summer. I miss running to Econ every morning because I was late, I miss falling asleep in Gov and getting a mofucking 89.9% at the end cus the teacher's a fucker and hated me cus I talked to much, and I miss going to Hillside and actually having fun with Chemistry, I miss coming home at like eight and having to outline a whole chapter of Econ listening to the. most. beautiful. voices. ever. I miss crying like every fucking night because I wanted 2010 summer to come and everything was how it should be. I miss after summer school ended when I used to be so determined and everything seemed so unfair when everything is so much worse off now. How during around January to early July, I missed 2008's winter break. What a waste of my time, I think too much it should have been nothing! And how I'm always missing my wonderful sophomore year when I just wanted to fast forward time to senior year, when senior year sucks balls. I miss old friends, my fob days, recording ourselves dancing to Tell Me, eating pho every Friday night, taking the bus every we go, playing with F4 (waaay before Ggotnam came out, sucka.), and all that fobby, cute stuff we did. Funny how I miss all the times when I just wanted to die at the time. It's weird how we always end up missing the memories that brought us a lot more grief that needed. Oh, how I wish I had a time turner. :(
9. Today... or yesterday, I guess. I realized how much I wanted to do something. If my life were a dream everything would be almost perfect. Almost, becomes perfect is just disgusting. You need a right amount of flaws and mistakes that make something perfect. But anyway, if my life were my way, everything would be perfect in a non-perfect way. Too bad it's only my dream and it'd never happen. But yeah, today I realized how much I wanted to do something. Oh, how I wish I had my way. Ha, why am I talking about this?
10. Like the beginning of the year, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yet at the same time, out of sight, out of mind. Beginning of the year, I wanted to die except now, when I think about it I want to die because I wasted my thoughts on something so stupid. But if you think about it, this situation is a lot more stupider than before. A lot more stupid. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. How huge the absence had impacted the heart. And how much fonder the heart has become. So fond that it makes a person crazy. You make empty promises to yourself. You promise that you'll lose sight, to lose mind. Your heart is too fond. Yet, out of sight, out of mind takes it's place. With little bits of "sights," shaken, but all in all, out of sight, out of mind. Good, this is is what you wanted, no? Yes, but no. Empty and now wishing you can, yet again, turn back time. Indecisive, always. Typical, you. Fuck you.
11. Marley just ate Momo's left over food that she saved and Momo is pissed. Cute.
12. I have OCD, I have to finish on an multiplicative number. Or whatever the word is.
13. I ate like half a box of Blue Jay tangerines. I like Cutie's, though.
14. I'm stupid. I hate myself.
15. I'm an idiot for not sleeping. Today is going to be hell.
7:58 AM, gotta gotta gotta gotta go in like 10 minutes. Will be back, loves.
20091230
20091225
Yoorin Eats World.
"Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart.
But the very next day, you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears,
I'll give it to someone special."
I gave you my heart.
But the very next day, you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears,
I'll give it to someone special."
Or none at all.
Merry Christmas!
Now that I am finished worrying about how to get enough money for people's birthday presents, I feel a lot more relieved! Except for the fact that I gave my brother an IOU card and haven't gotten one other gift yet. But I've got the cash to manage.
Now that everyone is out of the way, I think I will save up for my wonderful DSLR camera! Maybe get a job in February... Save ten dollars every week... Don't use my New Year's money on useless things...
Much, much, much to do in so little time! Now is not the time to lag! Let's gogogo!!
All the while,
I don't care.
Whatever happens, happens.
I, alone, won't be able to change anything, anyway.
Let's forget it. Let's just forget anything happened, because soon, everything will go back to normal.
Don't think about it, don't imagine it, don't talk about it.
Maybe, one day, something better will happen, maybe it will happen, maybe after a while...
I just won't care.
잊자.
I, alone, won't be able to change anything, anyway.
Let's forget it. Let's just forget anything happened, because soon, everything will go back to normal.
Don't think about it, don't imagine it, don't talk about it.
Maybe, one day, something better will happen, maybe it will happen, maybe after a while...
I just won't care.
잊자.
20091220
Bomb.
Until you learn to get over it, you're stuck.
Get over it and learn to grow the fuck up.
Your whining, complaining, crying, and bullshit needs to stop.
Cus I'm fucking fed up and I don't want to deal with you anymore.
Everything about you pisses me off.
Get the hell out of my face, you're stupid.
You're destructive and you're impossible.
Learn to grow up, no, fucking learn to wake up from your bullshit dreams.
Learn to do something with your life and do shit that isn't so useless.
I hate having to deal with you every.single.fucking.day. of my life. I'm sick of you're impossible personality. I hate having to look at you every.fucking.day. I'm sick of that same fucking expression you give me every time I see you. I hate hearing you cry about the same fucking thing every time.
Just give up and let's end it here.
It's over and done.
We're finished.
Get over it and learn to grow the fuck up.
Your whining, complaining, crying, and bullshit needs to stop.
Cus I'm fucking fed up and I don't want to deal with you anymore.
Everything about you pisses me off.
Get the hell out of my face, you're stupid.
You're destructive and you're impossible.
Learn to grow up, no, fucking learn to wake up from your bullshit dreams.
Learn to do something with your life and do shit that isn't so useless.
I hate having to deal with you every.single.fucking.day. of my life. I'm sick of you're impossible personality. I hate having to look at you every.fucking.day. I'm sick of that same fucking expression you give me every time I see you. I hate hearing you cry about the same fucking thing every time.
Just give up and let's end it here.
It's over and done.
We're finished.
20091219
Let's see here...
Last year, December 19, 2009 at 12:40AM I posted a blog.
Today is December 19, 2009 and approximately 1:28AM.
Similar times, yet different. SO VERY DIFFERENT.
Good and bad all the same. And I thought today deserved a post, because it's winter break!
In many ways I miss last year's winter break a lot. But that's okay because I have a lot better things to think about and do this winter break. To add, it's my last and final year in high school! F.I.N.A.L.L.Y.
I'm a hater this year. Like get out of my face.
I want a camera really bad, one or two, maybe more.
I want a Fujifilm Instax Mini 7. I want an antique looking film camera. I want a DSLR camera, still deciding whether it be a Canon or Nikon. Maybe if I go to Best Buy and touch all the different SLR's, like in Harry Potter, the wand would choose me! Except it'd be a camera. And last but not least, I want a video recorder, just because I think I'll need it for the summer. Maybe I'll throw in a voice recording cassette just to record myself when I find myself talking to myself or when I'm too lazy to pick up a pen or turn on my laptop.
I'm all into pictures these days and what sort of meaning they can convey. I stare at each picture that create some sort of interest in me for five minutes and my imaginations run wild. Beauty.
I don't know why, but I miss summer a lot. August, to be more specific. I miss it all. I don't even think I did anything too adventurous. I miss Jane's wake up calls at way too early in the morning. I miss being grumpy to everything in my way because I was up too early. I miss walking into chlorine smelling gym every morning dreading my summer turnout. I miss listening to my IPOD, listening to the most beautiful voices I've ever heard, staring straight ahead dreaming of what's to come. I miss coming home to a sleepy Momo greeting me and taking a shower depending on my schedule. (Yes, I'm gross.) I miss eating baby carrots. I miss having to take nine extra hours of driving practice because I suck. I miss watching TV falling asleep on the couch, with carrots half-way chewed, and still nasty from the gym on days I had nothing to do. I miss doing God knows what I did after the gym, I seriously don't remember at all. I miss talking about 2010 summer plans with my lovers. I miss talking about orange shirts, bean poles, dropped earrings, snappy attitudes! I miss crying on some nights because I was impatient. I miss eating dinner with my lovers. I miss calling my Baby Mama on random days because I was bored and talking to her about random stuff.
What a reminiscent paragraph.
I wish I could still cry over what I was crying about.
I hate change. But I hate my change of heart even more.
Today is December 19, 2009 and approximately 1:28AM.
Similar times, yet different. SO VERY DIFFERENT.
Good and bad all the same. And I thought today deserved a post, because it's winter break!
In many ways I miss last year's winter break a lot. But that's okay because I have a lot better things to think about and do this winter break. To add, it's my last and final year in high school! F.I.N.A.L.L.Y.
I'm a hater this year. Like get out of my face.
I want a camera really bad, one or two, maybe more.
I want a Fujifilm Instax Mini 7. I want an antique looking film camera. I want a DSLR camera, still deciding whether it be a Canon or Nikon. Maybe if I go to Best Buy and touch all the different SLR's, like in Harry Potter, the wand would choose me! Except it'd be a camera. And last but not least, I want a video recorder, just because I think I'll need it for the summer. Maybe I'll throw in a voice recording cassette just to record myself when I find myself talking to myself or when I'm too lazy to pick up a pen or turn on my laptop.
I'm all into pictures these days and what sort of meaning they can convey. I stare at each picture that create some sort of interest in me for five minutes and my imaginations run wild. Beauty.
I don't know why, but I miss summer a lot. August, to be more specific. I miss it all. I don't even think I did anything too adventurous. I miss Jane's wake up calls at way too early in the morning. I miss being grumpy to everything in my way because I was up too early. I miss walking into chlorine smelling gym every morning dreading my summer turnout. I miss listening to my IPOD, listening to the most beautiful voices I've ever heard, staring straight ahead dreaming of what's to come. I miss coming home to a sleepy Momo greeting me and taking a shower depending on my schedule. (Yes, I'm gross.) I miss eating baby carrots. I miss having to take nine extra hours of driving practice because I suck. I miss watching TV falling asleep on the couch, with carrots half-way chewed, and still nasty from the gym on days I had nothing to do. I miss doing God knows what I did after the gym, I seriously don't remember at all. I miss talking about 2010 summer plans with my lovers. I miss talking about orange shirts, bean poles, dropped earrings, snappy attitudes! I miss crying on some nights because I was impatient. I miss eating dinner with my lovers. I miss calling my Baby Mama on random days because I was bored and talking to her about random stuff.
What a reminiscent paragraph.
I wish I could still cry over what I was crying about.
I hate change. But I hate my change of heart even more.
20091211
I wish life had background music.
I think I like to make myself miserable. Like I purposely do things to make myself miserable. Maybe, I kind of like it. I don't know.
I don't know what I want anymore.
The spark is dying out. Please, don't.
Stay.
If this happens, then I really will be left in the dark.
I'm in a constant nervous wreck, I'm selfish.
Two is asking for too much. Still.
One is enough, I'm greedy.
Can you see me begging?
I've got nothing but my pride, I've lost it. You don't see?
I'm put in front of two paths, in a controversy once again.
Yet this seems, a billion times more important, impossible, and stupid.
So badly, I want them to emerge to one.
How, when,
Both roads right in front of me, a wall,
Blocks me from entering.
Not one, both.
To break down those walls, a miracle.
Please, don't go.
I don't know what I want anymore.
The spark is dying out. Please, don't.
Stay.
If this happens, then I really will be left in the dark.
I'm in a constant nervous wreck, I'm selfish.
Two is asking for too much. Still.
One is enough, I'm greedy.
Can you see me begging?
I've got nothing but my pride, I've lost it. You don't see?
I'm put in front of two paths, in a controversy once again.
Yet this seems, a billion times more important, impossible, and stupid.
So badly, I want them to emerge to one.
How, when,
Both roads right in front of me, a wall,
Blocks me from entering.
Not one, both.
To break down those walls, a miracle.
Please, don't go.
I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say.
Robert Frost has taken just one road, he did not ask for both.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
and that has made all the difference.
20091205
SAT Vocab & forever farewell!
I am taking my SAT's for the last and final time tomorrow. It's ironic how I'm pretty nervous but I'm not really making an effort to study just a little bit more. Actually, scratch that, I'm very very very nervous. This test determines my application to my college of choice. So, to mollify my indignant nervous feelings towards the test, I am blogging. And next week, I am taking the ACT's for the first and final time. Pretty ambivalent about the turn out of the test scores, for both actually. I always end up falling asleep during the test and filling in erroneous answers at the last minute. My already languid mind turns slower than usual and I end up bubbling in remissive answers. Bad habit, bad scores, bad mood, bad future.
Ahh, need to stop worrying!
I noticed I have been acting very churlish this week and acting pretty cantankerous towards a lot of people. Just been very tired lately, either not getting enough sleep or getting a little too much. I've really got to stop taking naps! I end up sleeping for the whole day and end up finishing up homework right before the class. Needless to say, I didn't go to fifth period when I had a test!
All the while, Emma and I have made an affidavit with each other to change our lifestyle for the better! I'm kind of excited for it, and hope to follow through. Go go go!!
I noticed I'm very implacable. If someone were to tell be to be quiet, I'd continue on talking. I'm impetuous, mercurial, loud, and my attention span is worse than Momo's. But you know what kind of person I want to be? I want to be phlegmatic and speak in laconic replies. But somehow an amalgam with a benevolent, kind person devoted to altruism. I want to be amiable and affable to everyone.
Writing my Personal Statements, yes, I'm still not done... is one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to do. I want to write an emphatic essay to the omnipotent people at my college of choice and leave some sort of mark. A lot of people told me to exaggerate and tell lies to make me look better, but you see, I want to get into the college without having to write a disingenuous essay. I want the college to honestly accept me because... because they think I will have some sort of potential.
The bold words are part of my vocabulary list. I'm not even sure if I used them correctly. I'm not even sure if it helped. This was a useless post but I thought I needed a place to ease my worry, but I think I just made it worse using crazy vocabulary words. Sigh.
How I hate vocabulary, long tests, tests in general, the SAT's, waking up early, and useless blogs. Will be back tomorrow, or soon to blog about more important topics!
Dear SAT's,
Please give me an easy essay topic! And add in a lot of easy vocabulary words and top it off with easy math questions! Be good to me, for this is my last and final test! I bid you farewell, SAT's! And hope to see a shocking improvement in my scores! Give me good scores and let us end on a positive note! Farewell!
---Interviewing myself after the test;
So Stella, how do you think you did?
Essay was crap, had to pee like 10000x, omitted like 8 questions on each section, got tired after the first half and didn't do much, got hungry, couldn't focus, got sleepy, doodled all over my packet, wrote random Korean words, wrote lyrics stuck in my head. Yep, sums up my whole SAT test.
Well, do you think you did better than before?
Maybe, I'd like to think so. But probably not, whenever I think I did alright, I do worse. Go figure.
Will you still apply to college?
Shut up.
Ahh, need to stop worrying!
I noticed I have been acting very churlish this week and acting pretty cantankerous towards a lot of people. Just been very tired lately, either not getting enough sleep or getting a little too much. I've really got to stop taking naps! I end up sleeping for the whole day and end up finishing up homework right before the class. Needless to say, I didn't go to fifth period when I had a test!
All the while, Emma and I have made an affidavit with each other to change our lifestyle for the better! I'm kind of excited for it, and hope to follow through. Go go go!!
I noticed I'm very implacable. If someone were to tell be to be quiet, I'd continue on talking. I'm impetuous, mercurial, loud, and my attention span is worse than Momo's. But you know what kind of person I want to be? I want to be phlegmatic and speak in laconic replies. But somehow an amalgam with a benevolent, kind person devoted to altruism. I want to be amiable and affable to everyone.
Writing my Personal Statements, yes, I'm still not done... is one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to do. I want to write an emphatic essay to the omnipotent people at my college of choice and leave some sort of mark. A lot of people told me to exaggerate and tell lies to make me look better, but you see, I want to get into the college without having to write a disingenuous essay. I want the college to honestly accept me because... because they think I will have some sort of potential.
The bold words are part of my vocabulary list. I'm not even sure if I used them correctly. I'm not even sure if it helped. This was a useless post but I thought I needed a place to ease my worry, but I think I just made it worse using crazy vocabulary words. Sigh.
How I hate vocabulary, long tests, tests in general, the SAT's, waking up early, and useless blogs. Will be back tomorrow, or soon to blog about more important topics!
Dear SAT's,
Please give me an easy essay topic! And add in a lot of easy vocabulary words and top it off with easy math questions! Be good to me, for this is my last and final test! I bid you farewell, SAT's! And hope to see a shocking improvement in my scores! Give me good scores and let us end on a positive note! Farewell!
---Interviewing myself after the test;
So Stella, how do you think you did?
Essay was crap, had to pee like 10000x, omitted like 8 questions on each section, got tired after the first half and didn't do much, got hungry, couldn't focus, got sleepy, doodled all over my packet, wrote random Korean words, wrote lyrics stuck in my head. Yep, sums up my whole SAT test.
Well, do you think you did better than before?
Maybe, I'd like to think so. But probably not, whenever I think I did alright, I do worse. Go figure.
Will you still apply to college?
Shut up.
20091125
Team Jacob, for sure.
SPAAAAAAAAAAAZZ!! PURE GENIUS!
I promised myself I wouldn't blog about useless topics and unimportant aspects of my life, but I not only feel that New Moon deserves a spastic post, but adds any sort of significance into my obsessive life. Twilight, you are the seed to my obsessive life. Causing me to obsess over fictional vampires and soon enough causing me to believe that special people, were in reality, vampires. And now, speculating some to be werewolves.
The Twilight Saga; New Moon. I must give you props, you have redeemed yourself.
I remember reading New Moon, hating Jacob Black. I hated his every Native American, Quiluete guts. Reading New Moon with hate and my anger boiling, waiting for Edward Cullen's return. But, Chris Weitz, I am in love with Jacob. You have completely changed my opinions on the wolf pack and I have gone from Team Edward to Team Jacob.
Yes, I cried during the movie. Yes, I am a sap for werewolves. Just kidding, but I did cry. New Moon brought back so many nostalgic memories. Failing to do homework and staying up just to read, crying on Edward's departure, crumbling the sides of my book on the thought of Jacob, holding hands with my personal Edward (-_-) walking to sixth period... The list goes on! And just maybe, I might have to plan on watching Eclipse all on my own. Although I pray for better acting skills upon the "beloved" vampire and the damsel in distress Bella. Taylor Launter, you're perfect the way you are, oh my god.
Eclipse, I promise to be first in line on the first midnight showing, wearing my Team Jacob t-shirt. I promise!
Just kidding, though I hope to watch it on midnight..
Just because Momo reminds me of Jake, when he's a werewolf that is.
I am done spazzing. The fire has just died out. Irrelevance.
Leave him the hell alone, you're ruining my life. Fuck.
I promised myself I wouldn't blog about useless topics and unimportant aspects of my life, but I not only feel that New Moon deserves a spastic post, but adds any sort of significance into my obsessive life. Twilight, you are the seed to my obsessive life. Causing me to obsess over fictional vampires and soon enough causing me to believe that special people, were in reality, vampires. And now, speculating some to be werewolves.
The Twilight Saga; New Moon. I must give you props, you have redeemed yourself.
I remember reading New Moon, hating Jacob Black. I hated his every Native American, Quiluete guts. Reading New Moon with hate and my anger boiling, waiting for Edward Cullen's return. But, Chris Weitz, I am in love with Jacob. You have completely changed my opinions on the wolf pack and I have gone from Team Edward to Team Jacob.
Yes, I cried during the movie. Yes, I am a sap for werewolves. Just kidding, but I did cry. New Moon brought back so many nostalgic memories. Failing to do homework and staying up just to read, crying on Edward's departure, crumbling the sides of my book on the thought of Jacob, holding hands with my personal Edward (-_-) walking to sixth period... The list goes on! And just maybe, I might have to plan on watching Eclipse all on my own. Although I pray for better acting skills upon the "beloved" vampire and the damsel in distress Bella. Taylor Launter, you're perfect the way you are, oh my god.
Eclipse, I promise to be first in line on the first midnight showing, wearing my Team Jacob t-shirt. I promise!
Just kidding, though I hope to watch it on midnight..
Too freaking pretty...
"Don't get me upset."
My favorite scene, the tragic hero of the story.
Just because Momo reminds me of Jake, when he's a werewolf that is.
I am done spazzing. The fire has just died out. Irrelevance.
Leave him the hell alone, you're ruining my life. Fuck.
20091119
Love Letters.
Hullo November!
Although it is already mid-November, I must say my greetings~
November, all you have brought me is sheer disappointment, but that's okay, I forgive you. Because, in many ways, I have disappointed October. Maybe the last few weeks of November, I will redeem myself and December will treat me well. Maybe, December will treat me as well as I hope and help me with my "to-do list." November, let us end on a positive note!
Dear December,
I kind of expect a lot from you. Each year, you have brought me much grief, yet given me much to be thankful for. Each December I thought was the end of the world, yet looking back, I love you, the most. December, you have taught me much and provided me with memories I will cherish forever. Two years ago, you have given me a cold winter with music to keep me dreaming. Last year, you have given me someone to deal with. This year, I hope you give me time for myself. This year, I expect a change and this time, I expect myself to embrace the change, to be the change. This year, yet again, I have allowed somebody to get to me and I predict an interesting time with you, because this person has the ability to make me sad, yet happy all the same. I have made the mistake again, but I believe this time will be different. Because December, you have taught me well and although, I have made the mistake during the horribly heated weather in the summer, you have taught me to think for myself. So December, let us have this month for mainly myself, despite the person I have allowed into my life. I hope to have yet another memorable month with you and look forward to spending another thirty one days with you. Together, we will enter the year of 2010, and you will help me prepare for not just a month of change, but you will prepare me for the Year of Change. December, my friend, we can do it!
Oy! Baby Mama's, this is your CUTEST, WONDERFUL, KINDEST, CARING, LOVELIEST baby of the trio speaking! 우리 싸이버 언제가냐?? Oh wait, unnie, you don't have Korean on your computer, ha!!
밥풀아... 읽을수 있냐? 바보 똥구몽! 개밥!!! ^________^ 싸랑, 요~ Know what I'm saying!?
When are we going to Cyberzone for our "Befores'!?"
My 고JES babies! 언니는 이거 못 읽어~ ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
밥아! 이거 읽울수 있지? 아이구 나에게 RISD로 간다고 너무 행복하당 (애교... 획!!!!!!! -0- ) 그리고 밥언니... お財布を破った申し訳ありません ......... ㅠㅠ
그리고 우리 못난 언닌~ 못 읽고 어떻하지? ㅠㅠ 신발 찌저서 미안................ 영어로 못 쓰겠음. 미안미안미안미안!!! ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
Hehe, fobesque is for me. Poor Emma unnie, you can't read what I said because it comes out as " ? ? ? " I talked crap about you anyway. And Bahp, HAHA, you can't understand the Japanese, huh? Talked bad about you in Japanese. LOL, suckaaaaa!!
Love you, Baby Mama's.
Although it is already mid-November, I must say my greetings~
November, all you have brought me is sheer disappointment, but that's okay, I forgive you. Because, in many ways, I have disappointed October. Maybe the last few weeks of November, I will redeem myself and December will treat me well. Maybe, December will treat me as well as I hope and help me with my "to-do list." November, let us end on a positive note!
Dear December,
I kind of expect a lot from you. Each year, you have brought me much grief, yet given me much to be thankful for. Each December I thought was the end of the world, yet looking back, I love you, the most. December, you have taught me much and provided me with memories I will cherish forever. Two years ago, you have given me a cold winter with music to keep me dreaming. Last year, you have given me someone to deal with. This year, I hope you give me time for myself. This year, I expect a change and this time, I expect myself to embrace the change, to be the change. This year, yet again, I have allowed somebody to get to me and I predict an interesting time with you, because this person has the ability to make me sad, yet happy all the same. I have made the mistake again, but I believe this time will be different. Because December, you have taught me well and although, I have made the mistake during the horribly heated weather in the summer, you have taught me to think for myself. So December, let us have this month for mainly myself, despite the person I have allowed into my life. I hope to have yet another memorable month with you and look forward to spending another thirty one days with you. Together, we will enter the year of 2010, and you will help me prepare for not just a month of change, but you will prepare me for the Year of Change. December, my friend, we can do it!
XOXO, Yoorin.
I am an insomniac, laying in bed is such a waste of time. I haven't been drinking coffee lately, I wonder what's up?
UNNIE & BAHPEUL, Oy! Baby Mama's, this is your CUTEST, WONDERFUL, KINDEST, CARING, LOVELIEST baby of the trio speaking! 우리 싸이버 언제가냐?? Oh wait, unnie, you don't have Korean on your computer, ha!!
밥풀아... 읽을수 있냐? 바보 똥구몽! 개밥!!! ^________^ 싸랑, 요~ Know what I'm saying!?
When are we going to Cyberzone for our "Befores'!?"
My 고JES babies! 언니는 이거 못 읽어~ ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
밥아! 이거 읽울수 있지? 아이구 나에게 RISD로 간다고 너무 행복하당 (애교... 획!!!!!!! -0- ) 그리고 밥언니... お財布を破った申し訳ありません ......... ㅠㅠ
그리고 우리 못난 언닌~ 못 읽고 어떻하지? ㅠㅠ 신발 찌저서 미안................ 영어로 못 쓰겠음. 미안미안미안미안!!! ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
Hehe, fobesque is for me. Poor Emma unnie, you can't read what I said because it comes out as " ? ? ? " I talked crap about you anyway. And Bahp, HAHA, you can't understand the Japanese, huh? Talked bad about you in Japanese. LOL, suckaaaaa!!
Love you, Baby Mama's.
XOXO,
아주 착한 막내, Maknae.
아주 착한 막내, Maknae.
Wonder what's up with all this kindness too?
20091110
Not too hot.
My temper is getting cut short these days. People are starting to piss me off. Which is ironic because I'm a person too. But it doesn't matter because it's not like I'm going to voice it out or anything. I hate making people priorities, when I'm left as an option. It might not even occur to them that they're doing but, you know what? I quit being understanding. And, too bad I'm freaking over it. Fuck you. And I honestly don't care if it hurts or not. Fuck you and your unecessary shit. I'm unforgiving, unwelcoming, and I'm a bitch.
I heard something funny today, something that was supposed to make me happy.
Should have made me happy.
Do you know what I hate the most? I hate time. I hate numbers. I hate waiting. I never want to have to wait ever again, never have to anticipate something. But, you know what I hate the most? I hate obsessing. I hate obsessing. I hate obsessive. I want it to get the fuck away from me.
You know, just this once I thought something was working in my light. Just this once, I thought I was given the chance to make everything happen. Just this once, I thought I was given the opportunity to shine in my own light and to learn to live on my own. Despite my selfishness and greediness, I thought everything was going to be alright. I was planning my life on a dream and I just woke up.
I wanted everything for myself, putting myself in front of everybody else. I didn't like the change, but I found some way to make it happen, selfishly. And somehow, I thought everything would work out. Fuck it. Nothing works out how I want it, anyway. I'm a hater.
I am having major writer's block and I can't seem to write my Short Response. It tells me to share my backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. With that, they want me to explain how I'd contribute to my college of choice. I sit, think, and I get stuck. I try to think of something "dazzling," something to make my application a little more zesty. Then it hits me that I really don't have anything to offer. I like to sit, sleep, eat, listen to music and I whine and complain like there's no tomorrow. I don't think I'm mature enough for college and I don't think I've exactly found myself just yet. Maybe I just might have to pull back my life two more years.
I heard something funny today, something that was supposed to make me happy.
Should have made me happy.
Do you know what I hate the most? I hate time. I hate numbers. I hate waiting. I never want to have to wait ever again, never have to anticipate something. But, you know what I hate the most? I hate obsessing. I hate obsessing. I hate obsessive. I want it to get the fuck away from me.
You know, just this once I thought something was working in my light. Just this once, I thought I was given the chance to make everything happen. Just this once, I thought I was given the opportunity to shine in my own light and to learn to live on my own. Despite my selfishness and greediness, I thought everything was going to be alright. I was planning my life on a dream and I just woke up.
I wanted everything for myself, putting myself in front of everybody else. I didn't like the change, but I found some way to make it happen, selfishly. And somehow, I thought everything would work out. Fuck it. Nothing works out how I want it, anyway. I'm a hater.
I am having major writer's block and I can't seem to write my Short Response. It tells me to share my backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. With that, they want me to explain how I'd contribute to my college of choice. I sit, think, and I get stuck. I try to think of something "dazzling," something to make my application a little more zesty. Then it hits me that I really don't have anything to offer. I like to sit, sleep, eat, listen to music and I whine and complain like there's no tomorrow. I don't think I'm mature enough for college and I don't think I've exactly found myself just yet. Maybe I just might have to pull back my life two more years.
20091028
Caffeine addicted!?
I just want to get outttttt.
And I don't mean it like a drama queen, I mean it just as it sounds. I'm just sick of school, La Crescenta, CV, and the people. I'm glad I'm a senior and I just can't wait to get it over and done with it. Second semester, prom, grad night, all that "senior" stuff I'd gladly speed through just for it all to be over. Four years of high school is just way too much and long of a time.
I can't wait to get out and live. Throughout my high school career, I haven't really opened up and had the opportunity to express myself. Yet, I'm kind of glad I didn't. I think I've learned quite a lot in high school. Maybe not so much in the academics like I should have, but I think I've learned a lot about people, relationships, and myself. And recently, I've come to realize, I don't really regret much. There are things that have held me back and still do, but I think I'll be able to get over it as I end my high school life.
I can't wait to get out and finally be able to be the person I want to be. I'm excited of what's to come and I can't wait to see what college has in store for me. I'm excited to be able to meet new people and what they will teach me. I'm excited for finally being able to go out on my own, with nobody but myself. Whether I apply to college or not, today I've decided to not dread the idea of going to a CC and somehow embrace it. Who knows? Maybe a CC will be better for me, and most definitely for my future.
It's either the addicting caffeine that's getting to me or it's just me learning to accept reality (Probably the caffeine -_-).
Yes, I still want to go to that one college. But with completely new ideas and a different outlook on it. But if I end up not applying/getting rejected? Yeah, I'll probably cry over it for about a week, but I think I'll be able to get over it. I'm going to be okay.
Oh, it's definitely the caffeine getting to me.
All in all though, I'm excited for what post-high school will bring me.
Oh, my disgustingly hot summer, I pray for you to hurry.
And just to add, I think I just might try going back to church. Since God is always the first thing, person, er, spirit? to come into mind in ever decision I make. No lie.
"No matter what happens. Even if the sky is falling down, I will promise you. That I'll never let you go."
This is my favorite song as of now. How ironic.
I think I've decided to accept reality.
I broke another promise but I don't think I need to apologize for it. Because, I'm not breaking it because I want to or for my benefit, but for the other.
And I don't mean it like a drama queen, I mean it just as it sounds. I'm just sick of school, La Crescenta, CV, and the people. I'm glad I'm a senior and I just can't wait to get it over and done with it. Second semester, prom, grad night, all that "senior" stuff I'd gladly speed through just for it all to be over. Four years of high school is just way too much and long of a time.
I can't wait to get out and live. Throughout my high school career, I haven't really opened up and had the opportunity to express myself. Yet, I'm kind of glad I didn't. I think I've learned quite a lot in high school. Maybe not so much in the academics like I should have, but I think I've learned a lot about people, relationships, and myself. And recently, I've come to realize, I don't really regret much. There are things that have held me back and still do, but I think I'll be able to get over it as I end my high school life.
I can't wait to get out and finally be able to be the person I want to be. I'm excited of what's to come and I can't wait to see what college has in store for me. I'm excited to be able to meet new people and what they will teach me. I'm excited for finally being able to go out on my own, with nobody but myself. Whether I apply to college or not, today I've decided to not dread the idea of going to a CC and somehow embrace it. Who knows? Maybe a CC will be better for me, and most definitely for my future.
It's either the addicting caffeine that's getting to me or it's just me learning to accept reality (Probably the caffeine -_-).
Yes, I still want to go to that one college. But with completely new ideas and a different outlook on it. But if I end up not applying/getting rejected? Yeah, I'll probably cry over it for about a week, but I think I'll be able to get over it. I'm going to be okay.
(In the spirit of the lovely cold weather slowly creeping in and my crazy addiction to coffee.)
Oh, it's definitely the caffeine getting to me.All in all though, I'm excited for what post-high school will bring me.
Oh, my disgustingly hot summer, I pray for you to hurry.
And just to add, I think I just might try going back to church. Since God is always the first thing, person, er, spirit? to come into mind in ever decision I make. No lie.
"No matter what happens. Even if the sky is falling down, I will promise you. That I'll never let you go."
This is my favorite song as of now. How ironic.
I think I've decided to accept reality.
I broke another promise but I don't think I need to apologize for it. Because, I'm not breaking it because I want to or for my benefit, but for the other.
20091014
20091009
This is not reality. This is Real.
Everything is kind of unrealistic. Now, I mean. How, in a few months, everyone will be going off into different directions, making their own form of mark onto this world. Maybe I'm getting too ahead of myself, but everything is so... unreal and so fast paced. Imagining myself one year later, is like a whole new chapter in my life. Whether these people made even the smallest difference in my life, the people I've seen every day, awkwardly saying hello or tackling them down with a bear hug. Then there's the people who have made bigger impacts, girls who I've had memories with, who I have held actual conversations with. And then, there are my unappreciative, ugly, mean, bratty, inconsistent, slutty, artistic friends ...People, most, if not all, I won't be able to see, contact, and one day, even care about.
(JES Requirements: Once a week letters that come from the mail, once a month packages filled with cute college, NYC/RISD!!! stuff, daily emails, and weekly phone calls, visitations during vacations, ABSOLUTELY NO replacing for more 'artisitic' people. Freaking hate you, uglies..)
I noticed how unrealistic of a person I am. I hate reality and I've continued to constantly refuse to accept it. Yes, I'm a dreamer. I like to fantasize my life and block out reality's crap.I don't care about more than half the things that matter and I like to doze off while listening to all the important things in life. My goals are so unrealistic. My mom thinks I don't know, but I do. I know my dreams are unrealistic, my goals are unrealistic, my reasons are ridiculously unrealistic.
Everybody's moving at such a fast pace. It's like everybody's moving forward and I'm just standing, looking lost. It's like everybody knows what they want to be these days, what they want to major in, where they see themselves in five years.
It's like every little thought I've had regarding my future, it's all so unrealistic.
As I had a meal with a friend today, we began to talk about our future. As usual, but we came onto the topic of our goals. That one goal, that we've always been able to escape to. How we'd live the life and be on top of everything. Then talking on the real, how real could this dream be if money was never an issue? How would this dream gain momentum? How would we get ourselves on top?
(JES Requirements: Once a week letters that come from the mail, once a month packages filled with cute college, NYC/RISD!!! stuff, daily emails, and weekly phone calls, visitations during vacations, ABSOLUTELY NO replacing for more 'artisitic' people. Freaking hate you, uglies..)
I noticed how unrealistic of a person I am. I hate reality and I've continued to constantly refuse to accept it. Yes, I'm a dreamer. I like to fantasize my life and block out reality's crap.I don't care about more than half the things that matter and I like to doze off while listening to all the important things in life. My goals are so unrealistic. My mom thinks I don't know, but I do. I know my dreams are unrealistic, my goals are unrealistic, my reasons are ridiculously unrealistic.
Everybody's moving at such a fast pace. It's like everybody's moving forward and I'm just standing, looking lost. It's like everybody knows what they want to be these days, what they want to major in, where they see themselves in five years.
It's like every little thought I've had regarding my future, it's all so unrealistic.
As I had a meal with a friend today, we began to talk about our future. As usual, but we came onto the topic of our goals. That one goal, that we've always been able to escape to. How we'd live the life and be on top of everything. Then talking on the real, how real could this dream be if money was never an issue? How would this dream gain momentum? How would we get ourselves on top?
This is not reality, this is fucking real.
I really wish I could get these fantasies out of my head and rid myself of my dreams.
I want my obsessions to get the hell away from me and I want to forget all my hopes that I had for college.
I really wish I could get these fantasies out of my head and rid myself of my dreams.
I want my obsessions to get the hell away from me and I want to forget all my hopes that I had for college.
20091002
KoreAm.
I am back, people.
But I can't say I've got that motivation rush I've been hoping for. But all in all, I am back, yet again to G-RAL over my useless crap. As usual.
It's funny how something so small has impacted me so greatly.
Five years, I waited for something. And I am just a year, no no, months away from actually being able to reach it. Five years, it was considered my 'dream,' my escape to 'happiness,' never ending 'happy chemicals,' a must.
But it's ironic that whenever I find myself thinking of that one dream, I find myself disgusted by it. I find myself angered by it and annoyed of it's lack of ability to understand. I find myself completely in shock with it's brutality and like my mom said, "That's ____ for you, that's how it is, that's how it always will be, and that is who we are."
Nonetheless, whether I am disgusted by it, whether I still find myself irked with the thought of it, it will always stay as my 'dream.'
That is not who I am.
But I can't say I've got that motivation rush I've been hoping for. But all in all, I am back, yet again to G-RAL over my useless crap. As usual.
It's funny how something so small has impacted me so greatly.
Five years, I waited for something. And I am just a year, no no, months away from actually being able to reach it. Five years, it was considered my 'dream,' my escape to 'happiness,' never ending 'happy chemicals,' a must.
But it's ironic that whenever I find myself thinking of that one dream, I find myself disgusted by it. I find myself angered by it and annoyed of it's lack of ability to understand. I find myself completely in shock with it's brutality and like my mom said, "That's ____ for you, that's how it is, that's how it always will be, and that is who we are."
Nonetheless, whether I am disgusted by it, whether I still find myself irked with the thought of it, it will always stay as my 'dream.'
Because that is not who we are.
That is not who I am.
20090912
Pathetic.
I think I have a tendency to take things a little too hard. Some even say, it's all for the wrong reasons. Like my mom, she tells me I care about things that don't matter and I take too much time obsessing over things that will get me nowhere. I don't know why I'm like that. I don't know why I obsess over things, people, or whatever. I'm not so sure it's a good thing or a bad thing, though. Mostly bad.
This past week, I took in something a lot harder than I should. I honestly cried every single night by myself this week and I began to think it was the end of the world, for me at the least. I wasn't even upset over how much I was affected by this, it was more so on how much the one actually having to go through it would feel. I swear I'm not a crybaby though, I never cry. Most people were shocked and let it go, but I don't know why I had my heart drop a hundred thousand feet and an empty feeling for the past week. I don't even know why I'm taking it so hard, though.
Actually, I kind of do. But it just makes me so much more pathetic than I already am.
Please, be happy.
There's something I've been really holding in and I'm dying to tell someone. But I can't seem to find the right words, people, or situations to say it. I think I have trouble opening up to people. This week, today, and myself, we're all just a bundle of pathetic.
I miss the days when everything was so carefree. I miss the days when we were allowed to be a just a little immature, a little more wild, and thought of nobody but ourselves and our best friends. I miss how we were so free and careless. I miss my short hair, I miss my old friends, I miss going to school as a sophomore, I miss eating pho every Friday night and deciding to watch a movie afterward or not. I miss going to glendale by bus and taking a trillion apple pictures, recording videos of us dancing to "Tell me," and going to nrb every other weekend.
But the one thing that I miss the most is how we were once so happy.
This past week, I took in something a lot harder than I should. I honestly cried every single night by myself this week and I began to think it was the end of the world, for me at the least. I wasn't even upset over how much I was affected by this, it was more so on how much the one actually having to go through it would feel. I swear I'm not a crybaby though, I never cry. Most people were shocked and let it go, but I don't know why I had my heart drop a hundred thousand feet and an empty feeling for the past week. I don't even know why I'm taking it so hard, though.
Actually, I kind of do. But it just makes me so much more pathetic than I already am.
Please, be happy.
There's something I've been really holding in and I'm dying to tell someone. But I can't seem to find the right words, people, or situations to say it. I think I have trouble opening up to people. This week, today, and myself, we're all just a bundle of pathetic.
Rewind - Sophomore year.
I miss the days when everything was so carefree. I miss the days when we were allowed to be a just a little immature, a little more wild, and thought of nobody but ourselves and our best friends. I miss how we were so free and careless. I miss my short hair, I miss my old friends, I miss going to school as a sophomore, I miss eating pho every Friday night and deciding to watch a movie afterward or not. I miss going to glendale by bus and taking a trillion apple pictures, recording videos of us dancing to "Tell me," and going to nrb every other weekend.But the one thing that I miss the most is how we were once so happy.
20090827
A day without you
is like eating samgyubsal without ddukbosam.
The chances of actually succeeding are one in a million,
yet I'm willing to blindly follow through.
I just need one chance.
The chances of actually succeeding are one in a million,
yet I'm willing to blindly follow through.
I just need one chance.
20090818
Just a bit of crazy.
(I thought today deserved a long post)
1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
To be honest, I feel a little guilty wishing you another happy birthday. Because last year, I was wishing you a happy birthday in a whole different level, this year, I'm wishing you a happy birthday with a different perspective and a different mind. There really is no specific reason to why I feel so guilty. You've got other things to worry about and you've got so much other people to worry about. Not even that, you have no idea who the heck I even am. But, here I am, wishing you another Happy Birthday one year later. Even if you're never going to read this nor will you care, I still feel a little obliged to apologize to you. I feel a little need to apologize over that one promise I made to myself, and I guess you. Just like that one song you wrote for your fans you asked if we'd wait, and honestly, I can't, couldn't, and I won't. Whether it's a Memento of Ours, or a Memento of Just Me, one year later, I'm still rooting for you, just not the same way as I was before. I thank you, wish you the best, and still will always support you.
Cheesy, weird, psychotic, obsessive, freaky. Honestly, yeah. I don't think anybody gets the extent to my obsession issue.
This person, whom I have never even met before, is probably one of the biggest person who've shaped me into, 'me.' I sound like a freak, well, I know I am. But this person has left one of the biggest impacts on my life and I can't help but thank and apologize to this person. From all the tears I've shed because of stupid performances, endless laughs from variety programs, to the heart beats pounding from concerts and performances. He'd always give me that motivation to work just a little harder and help me to dream a little something out of the ordinary.
Big Bang, Gdragon, Thank you.
2. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BLOGSPOT!
It is exactly one year since I have made my blogspot, and I thought this anniversary was pretty important. It's kind of scary how it's already one year since I've made this and how much I've changed throughout the year. To think one year has already passed, it sounds so close yet so far away. This year I think I've changed probably the most than I ever had. For better or for worse, I don't know. This year, I learned the meaning of friendship, people, highschool, and just a bit of reality. I've built better relationships with some and I've lost some. I found myself on the floor so much more than I've expected, yet I've learned to pick myself up. I found how much reality can suck, although I still refuse to accept it, I know.
Though, I'm a little afraid for the next year. Would I still even be using blogspot?
Next year everything would be different. I'd be eighteen years old, fresh out of highschool, finding my way. And I'm a little afraid to see how far one year will take me. How much would I have changed? Where would I be standing, what path would I be taking?
All the while, I must thank blogspot for always being the open ear, or book to type in. I thank blogspot for always being open for me at two in the morning trying to cram a bunch of apush.
And just for the record, I'm also going to thank a friend.
Friend,
It's a little disgusting thinking we're already entering our senior year and it's even more dusgusting that it's been one year already since we've made this blogspot. One year ago, we were reaching for that one goal, this year, it's stil that one goal. And I think it's so great that we're able to keep some things unchanged. Ha, and as we enter our last year of highschool, I just got to tell you. We'll always be on a good road to friendship, my friend. No matter what this year brings us and the years to come, we're always still 'Seokyo.' Even though I met you in highschool, even if we haven't known eachother since we were in diapers, we've probably got a million more memories. After highschool, after college, after marraige, after babies, after hsuband's dying, it's always going to be Seokyo. I'm always going to be here for you, you introverted freak. Call me sometime, slut. So, SEN10R YEAR, Class of 2010, last year of mother fucking highschool, let's rock it. Because after that? It's nothing but Seokyo. It's SEOKYO OR DIE!!!
3. BLANK.
I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy or sad.
I asked myself again and again, if I wanted to get myself into the mess. From the beginning, I didn't know if it was a good or a bad thing, Yet, I've already gotten myself into that mess again. Almost willingly. I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing.
Like I said, I have that one obsession issue.
Yet again, I have placed myself across the impossible. Yet again, I have put myself in the position of obsessing over the unreachable.
I can't tell which one's worse, this or back in the Gdragon phase? Honestly, I can't because they're so much more different in so many different levels. Both the same, unreachable, impossibility, yet, they have so much more differences.
I've gotten myself into the mess again. And no matter how hard I think about it, I just can't figure out if this is a positive or a negative. I've gotten into the cycle of crying my eyes out, yet at the same time laughing until my sides hurt because of it.
Everyday, everything I do, everything I see, everything in my life, it's always the same thing. Everytime I look at the time, I glance over at Seoul's time and I wonder. Everytime I make a mistake, I worry. Every decision I make, I think. It doesn't even end there, every single night, I dream. Everywhere I go, it follows me and I can't figure it out.
I don't even know, I don't know if it's because I'm so much more closer to finally getting out on my own, I don't know if it's because I'm just a little bit older, I don't know if it's because I know just a little bit more.
But, unfortunately, this isn't even the real problem. There's so much more to it, and it bugs the crap out of me.
You see, the real problem is...
1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
To be honest, I feel a little guilty wishing you another happy birthday. Because last year, I was wishing you a happy birthday in a whole different level, this year, I'm wishing you a happy birthday with a different perspective and a different mind. There really is no specific reason to why I feel so guilty. You've got other things to worry about and you've got so much other people to worry about. Not even that, you have no idea who the heck I even am. But, here I am, wishing you another Happy Birthday one year later. Even if you're never going to read this nor will you care, I still feel a little obliged to apologize to you. I feel a little need to apologize over that one promise I made to myself, and I guess you. Just like that one song you wrote for your fans you asked if we'd wait, and honestly, I can't, couldn't, and I won't. Whether it's a Memento of Ours, or a Memento of Just Me, one year later, I'm still rooting for you, just not the same way as I was before. I thank you, wish you the best, and still will always support you.
Cheesy, weird, psychotic, obsessive, freaky. Honestly, yeah. I don't think anybody gets the extent to my obsession issue.
This person, whom I have never even met before, is probably one of the biggest person who've shaped me into, 'me.' I sound like a freak, well, I know I am. But this person has left one of the biggest impacts on my life and I can't help but thank and apologize to this person. From all the tears I've shed because of stupid performances, endless laughs from variety programs, to the heart beats pounding from concerts and performances. He'd always give me that motivation to work just a little harder and help me to dream a little something out of the ordinary.
Big Bang, Gdragon, Thank you.
2. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BLOGSPOT!
It is exactly one year since I have made my blogspot, and I thought this anniversary was pretty important. It's kind of scary how it's already one year since I've made this and how much I've changed throughout the year. To think one year has already passed, it sounds so close yet so far away. This year I think I've changed probably the most than I ever had. For better or for worse, I don't know. This year, I learned the meaning of friendship, people, highschool, and just a bit of reality. I've built better relationships with some and I've lost some. I found myself on the floor so much more than I've expected, yet I've learned to pick myself up. I found how much reality can suck, although I still refuse to accept it, I know.
Though, I'm a little afraid for the next year. Would I still even be using blogspot?
Next year everything would be different. I'd be eighteen years old, fresh out of highschool, finding my way. And I'm a little afraid to see how far one year will take me. How much would I have changed? Where would I be standing, what path would I be taking?
All the while, I must thank blogspot for always being the open ear, or book to type in. I thank blogspot for always being open for me at two in the morning trying to cram a bunch of apush.
And just for the record, I'm also going to thank a friend.
Friend,
It's a little disgusting thinking we're already entering our senior year and it's even more dusgusting that it's been one year already since we've made this blogspot. One year ago, we were reaching for that one goal, this year, it's stil that one goal. And I think it's so great that we're able to keep some things unchanged. Ha, and as we enter our last year of highschool, I just got to tell you. We'll always be on a good road to friendship, my friend. No matter what this year brings us and the years to come, we're always still 'Seokyo.' Even though I met you in highschool, even if we haven't known eachother since we were in diapers, we've probably got a million more memories. After highschool, after college, after marraige, after babies, after hsuband's dying, it's always going to be Seokyo. I'm always going to be here for you, you introverted freak. Call me sometime, slut. So, SEN10R YEAR, Class of 2010, last year of mother fucking highschool, let's rock it. Because after that? It's nothing but Seokyo. It's SEOKYO OR DIE!!!
3. BLANK.
I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy or sad.
I asked myself again and again, if I wanted to get myself into the mess. From the beginning, I didn't know if it was a good or a bad thing, Yet, I've already gotten myself into that mess again. Almost willingly. I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing.
Like I said, I have that one obsession issue.
Yet again, I have placed myself across the impossible. Yet again, I have put myself in the position of obsessing over the unreachable.
I can't tell which one's worse, this or back in the Gdragon phase? Honestly, I can't because they're so much more different in so many different levels. Both the same, unreachable, impossibility, yet, they have so much more differences.
I've gotten myself into the mess again. And no matter how hard I think about it, I just can't figure out if this is a positive or a negative. I've gotten into the cycle of crying my eyes out, yet at the same time laughing until my sides hurt because of it.
Everyday, everything I do, everything I see, everything in my life, it's always the same thing. Everytime I look at the time, I glance over at Seoul's time and I wonder. Everytime I make a mistake, I worry. Every decision I make, I think. It doesn't even end there, every single night, I dream. Everywhere I go, it follows me and I can't figure it out.
I don't even know, I don't know if it's because I'm so much more closer to finally getting out on my own, I don't know if it's because I'm just a little bit older, I don't know if it's because I know just a little bit more.
But, unfortunately, this isn't even the real problem. There's so much more to it, and it bugs the crap out of me.
You see, the real problem is...
20090817
Shutup.
(Tomorrow is August 18, and I am going to post the LONGEST blog in the entire universe.)
-------------
I don't know what to do.
I don't know where to start.
I take it back, I don't want time to fast forward.
I want to hit pause and rewind back to the days when I didn't need to make such "grown-up" decisions.
How can I make such a big decision when I'm still so young?
17, it seems young, yet it's just a little too old for me.
I don't know what to do, I don't know where to start.
Time isn't even flying, it's just switching over to the future without being able to feel the rush.
Yeah, okay, I admit it.
I'm still immature, I'm still too much of a baby to make big decisions regarding my future and my life.
No, not even that, I'm still immature to the point where I can't accept reality. I'm still immature to the point where I still dream of happy endings, and dream of little fantasies of happiness. I'm so immature that I believe that somehow, I'll make it.
I don't know what the fuck to do and I don't know where the fuck to start.
I am a talentless, obsessive, stupid, lazy, unable to follow through type of person.
Sometimes I think I need to just
SHUT UP.
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I don't know what to do.
I don't know where to start.
I take it back, I don't want time to fast forward.
I want to hit pause and rewind back to the days when I didn't need to make such "grown-up" decisions.
How can I make such a big decision when I'm still so young?
17, it seems young, yet it's just a little too old for me.
I don't know what to do, I don't know where to start.
Time isn't even flying, it's just switching over to the future without being able to feel the rush.
Yeah, okay, I admit it.
I'm still immature, I'm still too much of a baby to make big decisions regarding my future and my life.
No, not even that, I'm still immature to the point where I can't accept reality. I'm still immature to the point where I still dream of happy endings, and dream of little fantasies of happiness. I'm so immature that I believe that somehow, I'll make it.
I don't know what the fuck to do and I don't know where the fuck to start.
I am a talentless, obsessive, stupid, lazy, unable to follow through type of person.
Sometimes I think I need to just
SHUT UP.
20090812
Super long, my apologies.
Hrm, there's only two more weeks of summer and I'm not sure if that's enough time to actually make a difference. How is my summer going? I'm not sure, I've got my schedule all wrong and I think I'm lagging just a bit too much. It doesn't really seem like summer, just a really long weekend. I can't get over how I'm already a senior. I think, I kind of, miss my junior year.
Sometimes I think I consider some friends a lot more than I should. I think I consider a lot of my friends my 'priorities,' while they simply consider me an 'option.' Which really sucks, but I'd like to think they do it unknowingly. Not true.
I think I take friendship a lot more seriously than I had before. I'm not here to sound bitter or talk about past feelings. But I think I've got to thank someone for making me feel this way towards acquaintances to actual friendships.
You see, I would have given my life for this person. Now, I'm not so sure.
I don't hold grudges, and I don't hold onto past fights, drama, etc. After I've forgiven, it's all pretty much forgotten.
I'm really not being bitter, but after considering how much I've cared and gave time to a certain friendship, while the other only considering it to be an option, is something to think about.
Honestly, I'm over it. It's just not something I'm going to forget about. I can't get my point across enough, I'm really not bitter. I just feel that I'd never actually be able to trust the friendship again.
No, I wouldn't give my life up to save this friendship, because I'd more count it as an acquaintance. It's a little harsh, but to think of how long I've considered it to be a friendship, it makes sense... to me.
Considering how much I've learned and how much the 'friendship,' taught me, I'm very thankful to that person.
There was once a time when I asked someone if I should consider my pride or a friendship, and that person gave me one of the greatest advice I've probably ever received. He said exactly this, "Pride in a friendship, is that even a question?!" He told me there should never be pride in a friendship.
Huh, who knew?
But all the while, I still think I hold some strong friendships. Yeah, only about a handful. Possibly even less, but I think that's enough. Like I always tell them, 'we're on a good road to friendship.' Because, I, from the bottom of my heart, believe we are on a good road together.
There's this one friend I've seen everyday this month, except today, er, yesterday? (Tuesday) I don't think she knows how much I consider her a friend. And I might as well tell her here, since I'm too much of a pussy to tell her in person. From our serious talks about friends, college, opportunities, life, to our silly talks about people wearing orange t-shirts, tall beanpoles, losing an earring, and just laughing until our stomach's hurt. I honestly think I'm able to tell you a lot more than I am with others. I've actually confided a lot in you than you probable even know. I've got to thank you for all the good and bad times, and the future goods & bad's, and forever more. If that makes sense. We are on a good road to friendship, my friend.
Sometimes I think I consider some friends a lot more than I should. I think I consider a lot of my friends my 'priorities,' while they simply consider me an 'option.' Which really sucks, but I'd like to think they do it unknowingly. Not true.I think I take friendship a lot more seriously than I had before. I'm not here to sound bitter or talk about past feelings. But I think I've got to thank someone for making me feel this way towards acquaintances to actual friendships.
You see, I would have given my life for this person. Now, I'm not so sure.
I don't hold grudges, and I don't hold onto past fights, drama, etc. After I've forgiven, it's all pretty much forgotten.
I'm really not being bitter, but after considering how much I've cared and gave time to a certain friendship, while the other only considering it to be an option, is something to think about.
Honestly, I'm over it. It's just not something I'm going to forget about. I can't get my point across enough, I'm really not bitter. I just feel that I'd never actually be able to trust the friendship again.
No, I wouldn't give my life up to save this friendship, because I'd more count it as an acquaintance. It's a little harsh, but to think of how long I've considered it to be a friendship, it makes sense... to me.
Considering how much I've learned and how much the 'friendship,' taught me, I'm very thankful to that person.
There was once a time when I asked someone if I should consider my pride or a friendship, and that person gave me one of the greatest advice I've probably ever received. He said exactly this, "Pride in a friendship, is that even a question?!" He told me there should never be pride in a friendship.
Huh, who knew?
But all the while, I still think I hold some strong friendships. Yeah, only about a handful. Possibly even less, but I think that's enough. Like I always tell them, 'we're on a good road to friendship.' Because, I, from the bottom of my heart, believe we are on a good road together.
There's this one friend I've seen everyday this month, except today, er, yesterday? (Tuesday) I don't think she knows how much I consider her a friend. And I might as well tell her here, since I'm too much of a pussy to tell her in person. From our serious talks about friends, college, opportunities, life, to our silly talks about people wearing orange t-shirts, tall beanpoles, losing an earring, and just laughing until our stomach's hurt. I honestly think I'm able to tell you a lot more than I am with others. I've actually confided a lot in you than you probable even know. I've got to thank you for all the good and bad times, and the future goods & bad's, and forever more. If that makes sense. We are on a good road to friendship, my friend.
20090803
Random is my name.
Kaskade - 4AM (Adam K & Soha remix)
Just a random thought... I have no idea why I'm so obsessed with sleepless cities. I don't know why I love looking at pictures of city lights, or even better, actually being able to witness a city's lights during the night. I think it's because with a sleepless city, you've got pretty much all the time you want. I don't know if that makes sense, but it just gives me the sense of freedom. An overcrowded population, a twenty-four hour supermarket, twenty-four hour restaraunts, people actually awake with me at 4 in the morning, it goes on and on. I can't explain it, it just makes me free.
It took me about an hour trying to recap my weekend at some beach resort, but it's actually really hard. I don't think I've ever recapped anything about my day/weekend on my blog, so I just ended up erasing it all.Attempting to reecap just a bit of my weekend:
My stay at the beach place was actually quite cold. Barely any sun out and lots and lots of wind. On my first night, I went out to the beach in the freezing weather, and guess what I saw? City lights. Maybe not city lights, but lights that were lit during night. It was probably the most prettiest thing I've seen in a while. A dark purple sky, "city" lights on the side, and a beach. I can't even explain it. At that time, I was actually quite happy. I began to jump up and down like a little kid and scream at the top of the lungs with my cousin and was letting out a spazim of happiness. I was screaming and yelling, jumping up and down, yelling how I was that much closer to 'something,' and on the other side of the ocean was that 'something,' just waiting for me. Yeah, so basically, seeing the city lights at a beach brought out a crazy burst of happiness.
Unfortunately for me, after a few minutes, all my happy chemicals were used up. Making me start to think of how pathetic I looked and how impossible I was acting. I was not any closer to that certain something, than I am here blogging this pathetic post.
I'll probably be blogging a lot more often than I usually do.
Since summer means more time, and more time means working on that one goal, and working on that one goal means keeping myself away from certain things and certain people, meaning more blogging! -_-
Tomorrow is my D-Day, waking up at 630am. ):
Byebye.
20090731
One Year Later.
It's finally summer. Summer school is done and over with and I'm finally free. I very well could have passed summer school with A's, unfortunately for me, though, I found myself obsessed with a certain something I very well shouldn't be obsessed with. But I don't think today's the right day to blog about it. .............081809.
La Vie Est Belle,
La Vita Dolce,
La Vita Loca,
La Vita Dolce,
La Vita Loca,
Freedom.
Summer has finally arrived and I can't say I'll be enjoying it like I've hoped. I've got this one goal that I'm determined to achieve.But, I'm not too bummed out about it. Because I know this goal will pay off for next year's summer and I know next year's summer is going to be crazy.
The summer night's will carry three girlfriends away.
Three months unknown in a sleepless city, watching 500 different movies locked up in a condo, late night outings, biking at 2 o'clock in the morning, sightseeing, glamor, gorgeous, sunglasses, shorts, naked toes, dresses, designer's, sparklers, beaches, trillions of photographs, wasting money, opportunities, freedom, living.
20090726
The Pursuit of Happiness.
"Don't ever let somebody tell you, You can't do something. You've got a dream, you've gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it. Period."
People are always telling me to pursue my passions, my dreams, my goals. People are always encouraging me to always follow my dreams and to never lose sight of what I believe in. There's people who always tell me to live my life the way I want to live. There are others who tell me to always have the courage to step up and work for my dream, to never let anyone tell me I can't do it.
But, you know, reality sucks.
I'm a senior now, and before I even know it, I'll be entering college. This week, I've been thinking about how my life is flying by me and I'm still not mature enough to accept that some things in life are just... not possible.
Time is flying by me so fast and I'm panicking. Some people think I'm rushing into things and I don't know need to worry about my major and future just yet. But just the thought of looking at my dark, blank future is terrifying.
I used to have such ambitious dreams. They'd help me throughout the day and encourage me to pull through. Dreams that would bring me hope and make me smile with having such a bright future.
Dreams that make others laugh. Dreams that are just not made for "me."
Ambitious, impossible dreams.
Am I supposed to continue to persevere and blindly live my life believing that I've got a chance? Or am I supposed to wake up from my dreams and face reality?
What would bring more happiness? Continuing to live all my life pursuing something so unreachable? Or giving up my one dream and living a life that brings no interest in me whatsoever?
Should I stick to my one dream and wish or open up to a different possibility?
20090722
+081809
I have so much on mind right now and I've got so much stuff I want to type onto this blog.
But, I can't seem to get it straight and I don't know where or how to start.
How... Where should I begin?
I don't know whether to be happy or sad.
I don't know whether or not whatever I'm getting myself into, gotten myself into, is a good thing or a bad thing.
You see, I've got this problem...
20090706
Happy Virus
I am sososoooooo relieved!!
It's done, it's finally over. And by being over, I think I'm finally over it. I'm finished with looking back six/seven months ago and the countless nights I'd stay up and regret. I'm finally over that mountain I've been struggling to get over. And you know what? I don't regret ever putting myself through the climb, I'm almost glad I put myself through all that trouble. I learned so much about myself and people. And I'm still learning how to fully move on and get over it, but I think I've already learned. Yes, it took me six to seven months, but I've learned so much more than I would've if it ended sooner. You know what the best part is?
I can finally breathe again.
For the past months, I felt so trapped. I was drowning myself in regret and good memories that I twisted into bad ones. I lay awake on my bed for hours wishing for time to rewind. I'm so glad I'm over it all. I'm glad I was able to overcome the mountain and I promise, I will never ever put myself through anything like it again.
You know what emotion that I was able to feel again?
That sick happy feeling. The happy feeling that makes your heart jump and giggle by yourself at 7am. The happy feeling that makes your hands sweat (well, mine) and you can't help but keep smiling. The feeling where your heart just can't stop jumping. The happy feeling that makes you jittery and want to squeal with happiness. The happy feeling where you can't sit still and you just have to spazz about it to someone or something, and in my case, Momo. The happy feeling where you can't sleep and you stay up until 8am singing that one certain song. The happy feeling where you peacefully fall asleep after a whole night of a rush of happiness. And the happy feeling that even follows you to your dreams, and your dream ends up with a happy fairytale that makes people sick.
Yeah, I'm so relieved and happy it's even making me sick. I'll explain this weekend or something.
20090701
Fast forward
Makes me want to cry.
It's already the month of July and I'm still reminiscent and stuck up seven months ago. I'm absolutely dreading my birthday and I'm almost hoping I'd be able to fast forward my birthday. Summer's not much of a summer, excluding the disgusting heat. I'm practically a loner in summer school, and going deeper, I think I'm a loner in general. No friends that I'd ever be able to depend on. I've yet to recap my junior year and I'm hoping to get that out of my schedule soon. Just greeting the month of July and hoping it'd fly by me just like the rest of the six months I've grown used to.
Someone, either give me the opportunity to relive my past and fix my mistakes or let me fast forward my life one year later.
I'm so immature when it comes to expressing my feelings and emotions. I don't think I express them correctly. I hold them in for too long and after my time is up, I blow up so destructive, I begin to freak out thinking I'm crazy. Come to think of it, I'd much rather be stuck in one of those white rooms for crazy people.
I still need to figure out who I am, and I'm hoping I'd find myself soon. I want to find my place in life, and yet, I feel I was never meant to find a place to settle. I don't think I was meant to be brought unto this world, possibly a mistake from the Heaven's above. Throughout the school year, I found myself on the floor so much more than I've ever expected possible. But thinking about it, I think I was always on the floor. Time definitely does not heal everything.
20090609
Slammed Doors.
If there's another ridiculous fact about me, it's how much I'm afraid of failure. I never seem to make an effort to try and succeed, because I'm afraid if I give it my all, I'll end up failing. And in my mind, it's a scar on my pride, it's a lot more to stress about, and it feels much better knowing I didn't try and failed rather than giving my all and failing. But you know, failure is part of life. Just like how I'm afraid of entering a new door of happiness because of the fear it'll end up slamming right in my face again. I've been through multiple fails. It makes me absolutely miserable, but I've yet to realize failing teaches so much more than actually succeeding. I'm still a bit afraid of trying. I'm always telling others and mainly myself, 'Oh, I don't care,' 'Doesn't matter.' 'I didn't try.' But it's honestly all bull.
I've seriously got to learn to dust myself off after I've fallen. I've got to get over the fact I'm always going to find myself on the ground. I've got to learn that there's nobody whose going to pick me up, but myself. I've got to teach myself to get over my failures, losses, goals. I've got to keep reminding myself, failure can teach me so much more, and it can only make me stronger.
Today, I accidentally slipped out how much I wish I could changed the past. Why can't I just get over it. Why is it that I'm still holding on. It's obvious there is absolutely no more opening. I don't get why I'm still on this. Why can't I just enter the new door of happiness and chances. I'm still looking at the freaking door hoping maybe, someone on the other side will open it for me.
I've seriously got to learn to dust myself off after I've fallen. I've got to get over the fact I'm always going to find myself on the ground. I've got to learn that there's nobody whose going to pick me up, but myself. I've got to teach myself to get over my failures, losses, goals. I've got to keep reminding myself, failure can teach me so much more, and it can only make me stronger.
Today, I accidentally slipped out how much I wish I could changed the past. Why can't I just get over it. Why is it that I'm still holding on. It's obvious there is absolutely no more opening. I don't get why I'm still on this. Why can't I just enter the new door of happiness and chances. I'm still looking at the freaking door hoping maybe, someone on the other side will open it for me.
20090602
I don't know what it is about my obsession with classical music, but it helps. I wish I never quit piano and violin.
Helen Keller once said, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."
Huh, I honestly can't say I'm over that closed door just yet. I don't know if I've let myself step into the new door or happiness. Is it wrong to still look back and hope? Is it wrong to still look back and replay all those memories and wish? Blah, I don't know. I just wish I'd stop. I don't know why I won't give myself the opportunity to find something much better. I say I've let go, but have I really? I don't know, I think I'm more telling myself that. I don't get why my thoughts are still lingering with it though. What is it with me and letting go.
I think I have a hard time trusting people. I don't know how to open up to people. I'm always dying to truly say everything, but I always get kind of stuck. I think I'm scared of the possibility of making myself so much more vulnerable. I think I'm afraid of letting a person enter my life, only to leave. Kind of like how I'm afraid to enter a new door of happiness because it might one day just end up slamming itself closed. Blah, I don't know.
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