A day without you

is like eating samgyubsal without ddukbosam.

The chances of actually succeeding are one in a million,
yet I'm willing to blindly follow through.


I just need one chance.

Just a bit of crazy.

(I thought today deserved a long post)
1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
To be honest, I feel a little guilty wishing you another happy birthday. Because last year, I was wishing you a happy birthday in a whole different level, this year, I'm wishing you a happy birthday with a different perspective and a different mind. There really is no specific reason to why I feel so guilty. You've got other things to worry about and you've got so much other people to worry about. Not even that, you have no idea who the heck I even am. But, here I am, wishing you another Happy Birthday one year later. Even if you're never going to read this nor will you care, I still feel a little obliged to apologize to you. I feel a little need to apologize over that one promise I made to myself, and I guess you. Just like that one song you wrote for your fans you asked if we'd wait, and honestly, I can't, couldn't, and I won't. Whether it's a Memento of Ours, or a Memento of Just Me, one year later, I'm still rooting for you, just not the same way as I was before. I thank you, wish you the best, and still will always support you.

Cheesy, weird, psychotic, obsessive, freaky. Honestly, yeah. I don't think anybody gets the extent to my obsession issue.
This person, whom I have never even met before, is probably one of the biggest person who've shaped me into, 'me.' I sound like a freak, well, I know I am. But this person has left one of the biggest impacts on my life and I can't help but thank and apologize to this person. From all the tears I've shed because of stupid performances, endless laughs from variety programs, to the heart beats pounding from concerts and performances. He'd always give me that motivation to work just a little harder and help me to dream a little something out of the ordinary.
Big Bang, Gdragon, Thank you.

2. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BLOGSPOT!
It is exactly one year since I have made my blogspot, and I thought this anniversary was pretty important. It's kind of scary how it's already one year since I've made this and how much I've changed throughout the year. To think one year has already passed, it sounds so close yet so far away. This year I think I've changed probably the most than I ever had. For better or for worse, I don't know. This year, I learned the meaning of friendship, people, highschool, and just a bit of reality. I've built better relationships with some and I've lost some. I found myself on the floor so much more than I've expected, yet I've learned to pick myself up. I found how much reality can suck, although I still refuse to accept it, I know.
Though, I'm a little afraid for the next year. Would I still even be using blogspot?
Next year everything would be different. I'd be eighteen years old, fresh out of highschool, finding my way. And I'm a little afraid to see how far one year will take me. How much would I have changed? Where would I be standing, what path would I be taking?
All the while, I must thank blogspot for always being the open ear, or book to type in. I thank blogspot for always being open for me at two in the morning trying to cram a bunch of apush.

And just for the record, I'm also going to thank a friend.
Friend,
It's a little disgusting thinking we're already entering our senior year and it's even more dusgusting that it's been one year already since we've made this blogspot. One year ago, we were reaching for that one goal, this year, it's stil that one goal. And I think it's so great that we're able to keep some things unchanged. Ha, and as we enter our last year of highschool, I just got to tell you. We'll always be on a good road to friendship, my friend. No matter what this year brings us and the years to come, we're always still 'Seokyo.' Even though I met you in highschool, even if we haven't known eachother since we were in diapers, we've probably got a million more memories. After highschool, after college, after marraige, after babies, after hsuband's dying, it's always going to be Seokyo. I'm always going to be here for you, you introverted freak. Call me sometime, slut. So, SEN10R YEAR, Class of 2010, last year of mother fucking highschool, let's rock it. Because after that? It's nothing but Seokyo. It's SEOKYO OR DIE!!!

3. BLANK.
I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy or sad.
I asked myself again and again, if I wanted to get myself into the mess. From the beginning, I didn't know if it was a good or a bad thing, Yet, I've already gotten myself into that mess again. Almost willingly. I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing.
Like I said, I have that one obsession issue.
Yet again, I have placed myself across the impossible. Yet again, I have put myself in the position of obsessing over the unreachable.
I can't tell which one's worse, this or back in the Gdragon phase? Honestly, I can't because they're so much more different in so many different levels. Both the same, unreachable, impossibility, yet, they have so much more differences.
I've gotten myself into the mess again. And no matter how hard I think about it, I just can't figure out if this is a positive or a negative. I've gotten into the cycle of crying my eyes out, yet at the same time laughing until my sides hurt because of it.
Everyday, everything I do, everything I see, everything in my life, it's always the same thing. Everytime I look at the time, I glance over at Seoul's time and I wonder. Everytime I make a mistake, I worry. Every decision I make, I think. It doesn't even end there, every single night, I dream. Everywhere I go, it follows me and I can't figure it out.
I don't even know, I don't know if it's because I'm so much more closer to finally getting out on my own, I don't know if it's because I'm just a little bit older, I don't know if it's because I know just a little bit more.

But, unfortunately, this isn't even the real problem. There's so much more to it, and it bugs the crap out of me.

You see, the real problem is...

Shutup.

(Tomorrow is August 18, and I am going to post the LONGEST blog in the entire universe.)
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I don't know what to do.
I don't know where to start.

I take it back, I don't want time to fast forward.
I want to hit pause and rewind back to the days when I didn't need to make such "grown-up" decisions.
How can I make such a big decision when I'm still so young?
17, it seems young, yet it's just a little too old for me.

I don't know what to do, I don't know where to start.
Time isn't even flying, it's just switching over to the future without being able to feel the rush.

Yeah, okay, I admit it.
I'm still immature, I'm still too much of a baby to make big decisions regarding my future and my life.
No, not even that, I'm still immature to the point where I can't accept reality. I'm still immature to the point where I still dream of happy endings, and dream of little fantasies of happiness. I'm so immature that I believe that somehow, I'll make it.

I don't know what the fuck to do and I don't know where the fuck to start.
I am a talentless, obsessive, stupid, lazy, unable to follow through type of person.

Sometimes I think I need to just
SHUT UP.

Super long, my apologies.

Hrm, there's only two more weeks of summer and I'm not sure if that's enough time to actually make a difference. How is my summer going? I'm not sure, I've got my schedule all wrong and I think I'm lagging just a bit too much. It doesn't really seem like summer, just a really long weekend. I can't get over how I'm already a senior. I think, I kind of, miss my junior year.
Sometimes I think I consider some friends a lot more than I should. I think I consider a lot of my friends my 'priorities,' while they simply consider me an 'option.' Which really sucks, but I'd like to think they do it unknowingly. Not true.
I think I take friendship a lot more seriously than I had before. I'm not here to sound bitter or talk about past feelings. But I think I've got to thank someone for making me feel this way towards acquaintances to actual friendships.
You see, I would have given my life for this person. Now, I'm not so sure.
I don't hold grudges, and I don't hold onto past fights, drama, etc. After I've forgiven, it's all pretty much forgotten.
I'm really not being bitter, but after considering how much I've cared and gave time to a certain friendship, while the other only considering it to be an option, is something to think about.
Honestly, I'm over it. It's just not something I'm going to forget about. I can't get my point across enough, I'm really not bitter. I just feel that I'd never actually be able to trust the friendship again.
No, I wouldn't give my life up to save this friendship, because I'd more count it as an acquaintance. It's a little harsh, but to think of how long I've considered it to be a friendship, it makes sense... to me.
Considering how much I've learned and how much the 'friendship,' taught me, I'm very thankful to that person.

There was once a time when I asked someone if I should consider my pride or a friendship, and that person gave me one of the greatest advice I've probably ever received. He said exactly this, "Pride in a friendship, is that even a question?!" He told me there should never be pride in a friendship.
Huh, who knew?
But all the while, I still think I hold some strong friendships. Yeah, only about a handful. Possibly even less, but I think that's enough. Like I always tell them, 'we're on a good road to friendship.' Because, I, from the bottom of my heart, believe we are on a good road together.

There's this one friend I've seen everyday this month, except today, er, yesterday? (Tuesday) I don't think she knows how much I consider her a friend. And I might as well tell her here, since I'm too much of a pussy to tell her in person. From our serious talks about friends, college, opportunities, life, to our silly talks about people wearing orange t-shirts, tall beanpoles, losing an earring, and just laughing until our stomach's hurt. I honestly think I'm able to tell you a lot more than I am with others. I've actually confided a lot in you than you probable even know. I've got to thank you for all the good and bad times, and the future goods & bad's, and forever more. If that makes sense. We are on a good road to friendship, my friend.

Random is my name.

Kaskade - 4AM (Adam K & Soha remix)

Just a random thought... I have no idea why I'm so obsessed with sleepless cities. I don't know why I love looking at pictures of city lights, or even better, actually being able to witness a city's lights during the night. I think it's because with a sleepless city, you've got pretty much all the time you want. I don't know if that makes sense, but it just gives me the sense of freedom. An overcrowded population, a twenty-four hour supermarket, twenty-four hour restaraunts, people actually awake with me at 4 in the morning, it goes on and on. I can't explain it, it just makes me free.

It took me about an hour trying to recap my weekend at some beach resort, but it's actually really hard. I don't think I've ever recapped anything about my day/weekend on my blog, so I just ended up erasing it all.
Attempting to reecap just a bit of my weekend:
My stay at the beach place was actually quite cold. Barely any sun out and lots and lots of wind. On my first night, I went out to the beach in the freezing weather, and guess what I saw? City lights. Maybe not city lights, but lights that were lit during night. It was probably the most prettiest thing I've seen in a while. A dark purple sky, "city" lights on the side, and a beach. I can't even explain it. At that time, I was actually quite happy. I began to jump up and down like a little kid and scream at the top of the lungs with my cousin and was letting out a spazim of happiness. I was screaming and yelling, jumping up and down, yelling how I was that much closer to 'something,' and on the other side of the ocean was that 'something,' just waiting for me. Yeah, so basically, seeing the city lights at a beach brought out a crazy burst of happiness.
Unfortunately for me, after a few minutes, all my happy chemicals were used up. Making me start to think of how pathetic I looked and how impossible I was acting. I was not any closer to that certain something, than I am here blogging this pathetic post.

I'll probably be blogging a lot more often than I usually do.
Since summer means more time, and more time means working on that one goal, and working on that one goal means keeping myself away from certain things and certain people, meaning more blogging! -_-
Tomorrow is my D-Day, waking up at 630am. ):
Byebye.