If there's another ridiculous fact about me, it's how much I'm afraid of failure. I never seem to make an effort to try and succeed, because I'm afraid if I give it my all, I'll end up failing. And in my mind, it's a scar on my pride, it's a lot more to stress about, and it feels much better knowing I didn't try and failed rather than giving my all and failing. But you know, failure is part of life. Just like how I'm afraid of entering a new door of happiness because of the fear it'll end up slamming right in my face again. I've been through multiple fails. It makes me absolutely miserable, but I've yet to realize failing teaches so much more than actually succeeding. I'm still a bit afraid of trying. I'm always telling others and mainly myself, 'Oh, I don't care,' 'Doesn't matter.' 'I didn't try.' But it's honestly all bull.
I've seriously got to learn to dust myself off after I've fallen. I've got to get over the fact I'm always going to find myself on the ground. I've got to learn that there's nobody whose going to pick me up, but myself. I've got to teach myself to get over my failures, losses, goals. I've got to keep reminding myself, failure can teach me so much more, and it can only make me stronger.
Today, I accidentally slipped out how much I wish I could changed the past. Why can't I just get over it. Why is it that I'm still holding on. It's obvious there is absolutely no more opening. I don't get why I'm still on this. Why can't I just enter the new door of happiness and chances. I'm still looking at the freaking door hoping maybe, someone on the other side will open it for me.
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I don't know what it is about my obsession with classical music, but it helps. I wish I never quit piano and violin.
Helen Keller once said, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."
Huh, I honestly can't say I'm over that closed door just yet. I don't know if I've let myself step into the new door or happiness. Is it wrong to still look back and hope? Is it wrong to still look back and replay all those memories and wish? Blah, I don't know. I just wish I'd stop. I don't know why I won't give myself the opportunity to find something much better. I say I've let go, but have I really? I don't know, I think I'm more telling myself that. I don't get why my thoughts are still lingering with it though. What is it with me and letting go.
I think I have a hard time trusting people. I don't know how to open up to people. I'm always dying to truly say everything, but I always get kind of stuck. I think I'm scared of the possibility of making myself so much more vulnerable. I think I'm afraid of letting a person enter my life, only to leave. Kind of like how I'm afraid to enter a new door of happiness because it might one day just end up slamming itself closed. Blah, I don't know.
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