Happy Endings.

"The joy of happiness doesn’t rid you of sadness and pain, it just simply hides it for you momentarily."
Pinpoints my point exactly. Like I said, us, we aren't happy people. Our laughs, smiles, are mere distractions. Let's just get up and get out, and fly away from everyone and everything. Yes?

God, I'm so pathetic. Haha, I'm up until like 4 in the morning reading stories posted on the internet. Needless to say, I've already read them. Probably more than five times.
But... the author is so amazing. I love how her stories are so cynical and jumps out at you in every single way possible. She's deep and always has a way with words making you sit on your damn computer for 10 hours, thinking, reading, laughing, and yes, maybe even crying. But, what strikes me the most is how her stories never end in those "happily ever after," happy endings. And, I'm starting to realize, there really is no such thing as happy endings.
The Joy of Being Happy. What is my joy of being happy? And your's? Huh, I don't know, you tell me.
Kinda' makes you look at happiness in a different angle, doesn't it?

"Happy Chemicals"

So, I've noticed these past couple of days, all my good happy memories that used to bring me fits of laughters and a smile to my face have turned into bad memories I wish I've never had. Whenever I think about those memories, I get into a huge tantrum and start to scream. The things that once brought a smile to my face have rotted to a frown. I'm still trying to figure out if it's a good thing, or if it's a bad thing. My controversy was so bad that I had to twist all my memories into things I don't even want to look back into. It's good, I guess. A way to end everything much quicker. It sounds bad, that I've got to twist everything negative to try to make things better, and maybe I am "trying to make myself the last resort." But, I'd rather blame this all on myself, and I'm pretty sure this really is all my fault.

I think I've used up all my "Happy Chemicals." One thing I've noticed is whenever I'm super happy throughout the day and I'm full of smiles, after a while all the happiness fades. It's as if, I can't be happy anymore because I've used it all up.
But, not that I think of it, all my happy chemicals are all gone. And the more I think about it, I'm not a happy person. We're not happy people. Like I told her, we're both depressed people. Just the laughter and enjoyments we encounter throughout the day are distractions to our depressions. I don't know about her, but I believe I can't be happy without achieving my goals. Because when I'm happy, after all those "chemicals" run out, I'm back thinking why the grass can't be greener. Maybe it's because I'm greedy and it's just not enough.
Or, maybe, my "happy chemicals" for my utter happiness have just not yet begun. Not until I've reached my goal. I'm narrow minded. Like how my SAT homework asked if success can be destructive. By having my one main goal, it does make me crazed over only wanting to achieve it, it's not good, but I'm still striving for it. So maybe, our "happy chemicals" have just not yet bubbled, not used up. We haven't even begun our "good life," so how could it all be used up, gorjiess? We've just gotta make our "good life" happen and then we can tell whether or not our chemicals have started to bubble up.

Not to end everything on a negative note...
but I think mine & somebody's "happy chemicals" have already been used up. Or, I'm going to say it has. Unless we both make the effort to make the "happy chemicals" return, it's not going to come back. Since I'm not making any effort whatsoever, it won't come back. Neither is the other person, so it's pretty much all used up.
But you know, as two people, the "happy chemicals" ran out, but as one person, I'm still making myself those "happy chemicals."
I think my bad judgment has turned into experience. For the future, good judgment comes from experience.
I'm hoping, everything's finally have ended.

Meant to be, to not. Controversies, fates.

I can't distingusih if I'm high on caffine or just extremely happy these days.

I've finally, let go. I've finally got over myself and gave up my craziness. I pretty much gave up. I know it sounds pathetic, I mean, who gives up nowadays? I'm taught to fight for what I want, work for what I want, to never give up. But, I can't help think that there are certain things that aren't meant to be. I shouldn't force something to work, I should wait for everything to just slowly fall together. I shouldn't mess with my fate and force it, if it wasn't meant to be, then it wasn't mean to be. I begged, cried, screamed, and maybe even prayed for something to actually happen, but it just... wasn't mean to be. Like, that's all I have to pretty much say, it wasn't and that's that. I tried too hard to make it meant to be. I should have just let the pieces fall together, then maybe, something would have worked out.
You see, I used to think I was the one who made everything happen. I got to choose my fate, my future, I just had to work for everything. But, I don't think that's entirely the case. Now, I think, there are certain things you can make happen, but others that just don't work that way. Some things, we just have to wait and see where the pieces fall. I mean, you can't force someone to stay in your life. Or can you have the power to meet someone. It just happens. In some way, the people in your life are in there not just because we breathe the same air, but maybe even the smallest people in your life are in it for a reason.
The people in your life. Whether they've caused you great amounts of pain, happiness, and every possible emotion, they're in there for some small reason. Maybe not the greatest reason, but a small bit.

I know, this is so unlike me. I'm back on the my religious issues. I just can't help ignoring the Christian ways when I was born with it. But anyways..
I think God put this person in my life for a reason. In the beginning for a totally different reason, but even though it's not the way I wish/hope for, but this person is still in my life for a reason. I was put in front of temptations, and okay, I lost. I got tempted into it, and maybe because of that, the reason for this person to be in my life has changed. If I hadn't made that mistake, maybe I wouldn't be in such regret & it'd be as great as it was before. Okay, it doesn't really make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. If I hadn't taken that chance and messed it up, that person would be in my life for the same reason as the beginning. But, because of my mistake, this person's in my life for a totally different reason.
In the beginning, it was me teaching. Now? I'm learning. I'm learning from this mistake that I've regretted so much these past couple of months. It's kind of funny, I know it sounds weird that I was teaching. But, you wouldn't understand, Haha.
I'm learning to learn from my mistakes, that some morals that I've kept for myself can sometimes be broken. By making mistakes, I'm able to learn.
Even though, I've been regretting everything that's happened for such a few months, I think I'm able to accept it. Even if it's hard. I can't just keep replaying my memories. Because, memories are just mere memories. They've got no power, they don't have the strength to bring something back. Just nostalgia. I can't live in the past. I think for the few months, I was some sort of frozen clock. Haha, not being able to move on and just begging for everything to go back to normal. I took nothing out of what happened and didn't even think Maybe this happened for a reason. But, I think I know a little bit better now.
I guess I can understand why this person wasn't able to stay in my life the way I've hoped. Even if I don't want to, I accept it. It's my fault for falling under these temptations that I've taught to not do (in both mine & person's way). I've got no choice, anyways. I guess it's the price that I have to pay.
Anyway, if this person was meant to stay in my life, then something would've worked out no matter what. This person's just not able to make my future, like I've hoped.
It's kind of equal & maybe a little fair, in some sorta sick way. LOL.

So, my controversy ends here. I've given up hoping for something that I've lost on my own doings.

My,
annoying, mind consuming, crazy tantrum, constant sighing, insomnia, anxiety attack, depressing, almost life consuming controversy ends here.
I've got to let go. And maybe, something much better will come out of this.