diary of an ugly vain girl

I really don't like people - i guess i'm stuck with cats for the long run.
the holidays are coming up
and every year i just feel all the more dead.
and i can feel the deterioration of my soul rotting all the more grotesquely as each year goes by.
the day i enter the damned inferno looms closer than ever, i suppose.

sometimes i feel like i'm not taken seriously enough.
and people can just shit on me all they want because my feelings don't matter and i'm not someone with valid enough thoughts or ideas.
i don't really get it, to be honest.
but i've given up fighting for myself long time ago

then again,
i've also come into the realization that i have huge self-destructive tendencies
and i manage to sabotage every. single. one of my relationships.
i'm an utterly sickening person to be around. i honestly get that.
but like
why am i always pouring out all these feelings and emotions and thoughts unto people who won't even give me the time of day?
i get that i am a dripping drag to be around all the time, but i try
and i always end up getting fucked over because of that.
whether it be me losing face, losing emotions, losing something of fucking monetary value.
like what the fuck do i get in the end? nothing.
and i turn into this great empty mess. just completely barren and broken.

i shouldn't let people matter to me this much
people are toxic.

i stopped giving fucks about propriety

was plagued by an existential crisis earlier today.
but forgot what the fuck i was thinking about five seconds onward cus i was too high.
is it the weather?
it's november. when time seems to slow down and speed up all at the same time, and there's this dark perpetual replay of disguised memories and emotions, and a sort of impending realization of something.
christmas is corporate.
 bye!!!

i will eat your babies, bitch.

sooo... going off with the gun thing... i really wish i had one. 

as i was walking to class the other day i came across a bunch of weirdos i wish i could've shot- they were being way too fucking loud for me. like if someone were to ever mess with me all i need to do is pull the gun out and be like "how the FUCK ya like me now, bitch???!" and all would work out.

Like I was watching it's always sunny and there's this one episode on season nine where sweet dee's fantasy is played out and she gets her hands on a gun, turns to the gang, and goes "I'll see you all in hell, boners" and shoots them all in the fucking head!!! 

god. 

imagine all that power.