I feel like I'm losing myself.
The days have been great. Free and fun loving. I've been on top of things and finding happiness in the smallest of things. I find myself in small meltdowns, but get over it in a few minutes. I smile at the sky and breathe with ease.
But I feel like I've lost myself. I feel detached from my emotions and I feel as if I've lost a part of myself and I'm not so sure why I'm feeling this emptiness. At times when I'm alone, I have this empty feeling and I can see myself standing far away when I'm right there.
I don't think it's been with me too long. It's already assimilated into me and it wasn't just a point in my life, but it's a part of me. It's part of my identity and part of who I am. It's me. It's my strength, but a waste of energy. And no matter what, it'll always define me. It will slowly kill me, but it doesn't matter, because it's me. It'll end up killing me, but save me.
I have nothing more to say and I'm tired. Tomorrow is a new day and another happy one.
20110126
20110115
You Think You See Me.
Panic attack, panic attack, panic attack. If anybody knows me, I'm the most paranoid, skeptical person alive.
Last night was a good night. Maybe a little too good of a night. I had a little too much fun and need to learn to tone it down a couple of notches. Yesterday was a eventful, crazy, emotional, blurry mess. And I want to emphasis on the mess.
And before I begin to even revel back into my night, I just had a mini panic attack. Because my blog is open to the public. Free for anybody to read. People I don't know, people who don't care, people who I do know. Which worries me because the people that may know me, might begin to speculate of exactly what, who, where, and exactly what era I blog about. But I just want to say, if you think I'm talking about you, it probably isn't you. Not at all in a mean, snobbish way! I just mean that these people that I discuss about are the least expected people of all. But maybe that's what makes everything so much more predictable.
But anyway,
last night was a blurry mess and a roller coaster of emotions. In the beginning, everything was just dandy as I was socializing with various people. Until a nerve hit me. Such a mess, I can tell you that. I began to speak loudly of absolutely everything. Everything I've tried so hard to keep inside. I began to spill my whole life story to random people that I met a few hours back. Yelling, crying, creating such an embarrassing scene. Still intoxicated, left the house and walked a long distance to a friend's dorm. And as we were walking back to the dorm, my mind rambled out loud once more. Talking, talking, talking. I really just couldn't stop. Yelled the same word over and over again. Talked, talked, talked. Exposed my whole insane mind to these people that I barely even know. The thing is, as I was telling these people absolutely everything, I kept telling myself 'I'm going to regret this tomorrow morning, I'm going to regret this tomorrow morning.' But I just couldn't stop, it just kept coming out. And as expected, I woke up this morning in full regret. How could I let myself talk so much? How vulnerable was I? What in the heck did I drink? How much did I exactly say? Too much, too everything.
So, as I came back home, I thought of all the regretful words that came out of my mouth and was in utter disappointment in myself. But a couple of hours ago, as I was sipping on my orange juice, I began to laugh. And not that sick, twisted laugh that I laugh so often on this dilemma. But it was a good, hearty laugh. A laugh for the utter silliness and pointlessness of it all! I laughed of just how much I didn't care anymore, just how much I'm over it. I felt so relieved! All the words that I kept bottled up for so long were gone, gone, gone. All gone! And what's done is done. I felt so free and really everything was about letting go. I let go and I feel fresh and anew. I guess I don't regret last night's rambles, but I really am over it. Even though I always say it. But today, I truly am over it. Not because it's the only choice but because I have just realized how stupid and dumb everything all was.
Even though I told myself I would stop cussing. And not for you, this is for myself.
But here's a big Fuck You to you.
I really hope, pray, and wish that you'll regret your choices. And as much as I wish for your success and don't hold any hard feelings, I really do wish you'll always have that regret in your mind. I wish for you to be happy, I truly do, but I also wish for you to always have that one thought in the back of your mind. And on certain nights, I want it to eat you alive only to spit you back out in the morning. You'll feel sleepless, tired, and numb. I wish for you to think, but you wouldn't understand exactly what you're thinking about. I hope you'll revel back, just like I did for too long, and you'll be so confused about exactly what went wrong. And as happy as you are, there will always be that in the back of your mind. Everything that I felt, I hope you feel it ten times more.
I truly, utterly, with all my heart wish for your happiness. I do, I really do. But you see, the thing is, for me to be happy is for you to feel what I have felt for years. It would make me happy for year's on end and you would want me to be happy, too. Because during those years, despite my problems, I still only wished for your happiness. Don't get me wrong though, I still want you to be happy. Just unable to forget because all I wanted from you was to understand. So, this is what I wish for. Every day. Why, though? Why can't I cleanly just let it go? Because it truly would make me happy. I'm not living for your happiness any longer because from this day on, I'm living for myself.
Please, be happy. But you won't ever forget.
And I'm really fucking fine with that, here's my last smile to ya' :)
Last night was a good night. Maybe a little too good of a night. I had a little too much fun and need to learn to tone it down a couple of notches. Yesterday was a eventful, crazy, emotional, blurry mess. And I want to emphasis on the mess.
And before I begin to even revel back into my night, I just had a mini panic attack. Because my blog is open to the public. Free for anybody to read. People I don't know, people who don't care, people who I do know. Which worries me because the people that may know me, might begin to speculate of exactly what, who, where, and exactly what era I blog about. But I just want to say, if you think I'm talking about you, it probably isn't you. Not at all in a mean, snobbish way! I just mean that these people that I discuss about are the least expected people of all. But maybe that's what makes everything so much more predictable.
But anyway,
last night was a blurry mess and a roller coaster of emotions. In the beginning, everything was just dandy as I was socializing with various people. Until a nerve hit me. Such a mess, I can tell you that. I began to speak loudly of absolutely everything. Everything I've tried so hard to keep inside. I began to spill my whole life story to random people that I met a few hours back. Yelling, crying, creating such an embarrassing scene. Still intoxicated, left the house and walked a long distance to a friend's dorm. And as we were walking back to the dorm, my mind rambled out loud once more. Talking, talking, talking. I really just couldn't stop. Yelled the same word over and over again. Talked, talked, talked. Exposed my whole insane mind to these people that I barely even know. The thing is, as I was telling these people absolutely everything, I kept telling myself 'I'm going to regret this tomorrow morning, I'm going to regret this tomorrow morning.' But I just couldn't stop, it just kept coming out. And as expected, I woke up this morning in full regret. How could I let myself talk so much? How vulnerable was I? What in the heck did I drink? How much did I exactly say? Too much, too everything.
So, as I came back home, I thought of all the regretful words that came out of my mouth and was in utter disappointment in myself. But a couple of hours ago, as I was sipping on my orange juice, I began to laugh. And not that sick, twisted laugh that I laugh so often on this dilemma. But it was a good, hearty laugh. A laugh for the utter silliness and pointlessness of it all! I laughed of just how much I didn't care anymore, just how much I'm over it. I felt so relieved! All the words that I kept bottled up for so long were gone, gone, gone. All gone! And what's done is done. I felt so free and really everything was about letting go. I let go and I feel fresh and anew. I guess I don't regret last night's rambles, but I really am over it. Even though I always say it. But today, I truly am over it. Not because it's the only choice but because I have just realized how stupid and dumb everything all was.
Even though I told myself I would stop cussing. And not for you, this is for myself.
But here's a big Fuck You to you.
I really hope, pray, and wish that you'll regret your choices. And as much as I wish for your success and don't hold any hard feelings, I really do wish you'll always have that regret in your mind. I wish for you to be happy, I truly do, but I also wish for you to always have that one thought in the back of your mind. And on certain nights, I want it to eat you alive only to spit you back out in the morning. You'll feel sleepless, tired, and numb. I wish for you to think, but you wouldn't understand exactly what you're thinking about. I hope you'll revel back, just like I did for too long, and you'll be so confused about exactly what went wrong. And as happy as you are, there will always be that in the back of your mind. Everything that I felt, I hope you feel it ten times more.
I truly, utterly, with all my heart wish for your happiness. I do, I really do. But you see, the thing is, for me to be happy is for you to feel what I have felt for years. It would make me happy for year's on end and you would want me to be happy, too. Because during those years, despite my problems, I still only wished for your happiness. Don't get me wrong though, I still want you to be happy. Just unable to forget because all I wanted from you was to understand. So, this is what I wish for. Every day. Why, though? Why can't I cleanly just let it go? Because it truly would make me happy. I'm not living for your happiness any longer because from this day on, I'm living for myself.
Please, be happy. But you won't ever forget.
And I'm really fucking fine with that, here's my last smile to ya' :)
20110112
But for now, pathetic.
This week, last week, this month, haven't been the brightest. They could be better, should be better.
Lately, I've been in some sort of a slump and can't seem to get out of it. I don't know what it is. But when do I ever know what it is? I can't really seem to understand it all. I can't seem to sleep, yet all I do is sleep. I've been taking hours on end to fall asleep and taking forever to arise. Uncomfortable slumbers. And I don't really know the cause of it. Just compulsively trying to understand Economics and wondering if Business is really the way for me. Because, is it really? It surely isn't my passion. If anything, I'd excel in communications, compassionate jobs, I don't know, surely not Business, though. But I guess I'm money hungry and determined to throw my middle finger up at everybody who told me I couldn't. This isn't really my motives for blogging. I just don't really know what to do. With school, major, life, everything. I've been talking. Excessively. To myself. In my car. It helps, I guess. I don't really know what I ramble and mumble about. Sometimes I'm whispering, sometimes I'm yelling, sometimes I'm simply talking. I'm not really talking to myself, though. I don't really know who I talk to. I tell them undoubtedly everything. I wish they really were there to listen, though. Listen to not judge me. But I guess I really am talking to myself. I don't know what it is I'm happy and sad about. I can't distinguish what's right and wrong. I can't figure what's real and what's not. I'm not sure if I'm in a dilemma or not. Maybe I'm not even in a slump, maybe I am at my peak. When will my life start? I always tell myself after this my life will start, after that my life will start, 2011 will be when my life starts, all this bullshit is when my life starts. I'm wasting away, waiting for the moment of my life to start. And it's so pathetic that I'm always waiting for the start of my life when it won't start until I make it start. I'm just so sick of it all and I feel like giving up. And I think about exactly what I feel like giving up and the sad truth is, almost nothing. My life almost means nothing to me, yet I value so much of it. I can't seem to get out of this mess and I just wish I'd find the willpower to try. To try with all of my heart and soul for one last time. Because I feel if not now, it truly is the end of everything. Everything is all speed and I seem to be left alone watching everything pass by me. With no feelings at all. Happiness, for the sickest reasons possible and sadness, that I am left behind. And I'm worried. I'm worried for my mind and for my life. If I can't seem to get certain memories and thoughts out of my life, I don't think I'll have the faith to open new doors. I'm so stuck up on the past, present, and future that I'm lost in the middle of nowhere. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anything. Ever. I wish I'd understand all this. I want to erase you and I mean completely. I don't want to simply be able to look back smiling and laughing, but I wish I'd be able to look back in confusion. Because I wish there would be nothing to look back to. Forget that, though. I just need to find my way. I need to learn to pick myself up after I've fallen and I think in this case, to pick myself up after years of being on the floor. This truly is the start of it all. I hope to find hope and find enough faith to try once more. Slowly, but surely, I will be back. Better than ever and changed.
Lately, I've been in some sort of a slump and can't seem to get out of it. I don't know what it is. But when do I ever know what it is? I can't really seem to understand it all. I can't seem to sleep, yet all I do is sleep. I've been taking hours on end to fall asleep and taking forever to arise. Uncomfortable slumbers. And I don't really know the cause of it. Just compulsively trying to understand Economics and wondering if Business is really the way for me. Because, is it really? It surely isn't my passion. If anything, I'd excel in communications, compassionate jobs, I don't know, surely not Business, though. But I guess I'm money hungry and determined to throw my middle finger up at everybody who told me I couldn't. This isn't really my motives for blogging. I just don't really know what to do. With school, major, life, everything. I've been talking. Excessively. To myself. In my car. It helps, I guess. I don't really know what I ramble and mumble about. Sometimes I'm whispering, sometimes I'm yelling, sometimes I'm simply talking. I'm not really talking to myself, though. I don't really know who I talk to. I tell them undoubtedly everything. I wish they really were there to listen, though. Listen to not judge me. But I guess I really am talking to myself. I don't know what it is I'm happy and sad about. I can't distinguish what's right and wrong. I can't figure what's real and what's not. I'm not sure if I'm in a dilemma or not. Maybe I'm not even in a slump, maybe I am at my peak. When will my life start? I always tell myself after this my life will start, after that my life will start, 2011 will be when my life starts, all this bullshit is when my life starts. I'm wasting away, waiting for the moment of my life to start. And it's so pathetic that I'm always waiting for the start of my life when it won't start until I make it start. I'm just so sick of it all and I feel like giving up. And I think about exactly what I feel like giving up and the sad truth is, almost nothing. My life almost means nothing to me, yet I value so much of it. I can't seem to get out of this mess and I just wish I'd find the willpower to try. To try with all of my heart and soul for one last time. Because I feel if not now, it truly is the end of everything. Everything is all speed and I seem to be left alone watching everything pass by me. With no feelings at all. Happiness, for the sickest reasons possible and sadness, that I am left behind. And I'm worried. I'm worried for my mind and for my life. If I can't seem to get certain memories and thoughts out of my life, I don't think I'll have the faith to open new doors. I'm so stuck up on the past, present, and future that I'm lost in the middle of nowhere. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anything. Ever. I wish I'd understand all this. I want to erase you and I mean completely. I don't want to simply be able to look back smiling and laughing, but I wish I'd be able to look back in confusion. Because I wish there would be nothing to look back to. Forget that, though. I just need to find my way. I need to learn to pick myself up after I've fallen and I think in this case, to pick myself up after years of being on the floor. This truly is the start of it all. I hope to find hope and find enough faith to try once more. Slowly, but surely, I will be back. Better than ever and changed.
20110103
Bass Down Low.
It hasn't really hit me yet that it's already 2011 and I don't think it really will. I've come to realize that a new year really is nothing special. Maybe it is, but I wouldn't know. My new year resolutions are always the same as any other year, month, week, and days. Always on my mind and always hoping for myself to actually achieve them. Well, it doesn't mean that I haven't set some resolutions for this year.What I'm definitely hoping for is a much better year than 2009 and 2010. But I'm not so sure if it would happen because I'm hoping to truly consume myself in school and getting myself out of here and GCC. But with it all, I'm really hoping for a better year. At least, a good year for me to set my life on track and finding my path in life. I don't even mean by having a year fill with adventures and pure fun, I just hope I'll lead my life a lot better than I have before. I guess I hope for 2011 to be a year filled with change from myself.
I'd revert back into 2009 and 2010, but why should I dwell on the past? Let's just say, 2009 was stressful. Too many mind-boggling, regretful controversies. 2010 was simply, boring and a fail of a year. Sure, it had it's few adventurous, unforgettable memories, but , I'm sure it could have been better. Yes, they were all brought upon myself, but I don't mind at all! Because at those moments, they were exactly what I wanted. I don't need to waste my thoughts on the past and I'm really ready to forget everything and start anew.
So 2011? Let's do it. Let's really do it, this year. I don't expect much from you and I don't expect everything to fall into place. I just expect myself to truly try this year and to change myself for the better and for the person I've always wanted to be.
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