Times are Tough for Dreamers.

I blog way too much this month, I blame the thirty day challenge(even though I'm definitely not up to date with it) and the time I spend awake when I should be sleeping.

So it's currently 4:03AM and I am horking down a box of cookies while watching 500 Days of Summer. Except for the fact I must wait a few more minutes for it to load. I can't say I'm enjoying the movie. It's too lovey-dovey for my taste and I'm not enjoying all those kiss scenes. My innocent eyes are being tainted with these love scenes. And I think I'll stop writing about it because I'm about to puke. Let me just say, I'm only watching this cheesy, chick-flick because after watching Inception, Joseph Gordon-Levitt was extremely charismatic, I found he was the main character for this girly movie. Joy.

Well anyway, I came across something interesting and I couldn't pass it up. I found two things actually:

"There will always be

a 'lie' in believe,

an 'over' in lover,

an 'end' in friends,

and an 'if' in life."

This made me sad to no end. The one that stuck with me the most was the end in friends. This summer made me realize how much I am in love with my friends and reading it made my heart drop a trillion feet. Everyone will be separating in two months and some in weeks, and I don't think I have the heart to let this summer and it's people go. All this summer will leave me are memories and them taunting me of how powerless they are.

I think I like my friends too much. And a lot more than they like me.

This is my second "interesting" topic that I couldn't pass up.

How inspiring is this project? To see life through different perspectives and to be able to experience it just amazes me. Technology is amazing and how people are using it is inspirational. I just can't get over this project!

I don't know what it is about film that inspires me so much, but I've realized that the most inspiration anything can bring out of me are two things: music and film. And when music and film are put together, what do we get? A mind boggling, life changing experience. It sounds corny in so many levels, but whenever I come across a short with music to match, my mind completely melts into a wonderland.

Despite all the stress about college and friends moving on, I can't say I'm not excited for college. Junior college or not.

I'm completely lost. I have no idea what to do with my life and I don't even know if I'll be able to get all the classes I want.

But I'm excited, despite it all.

And I don't quite dread the idea of a community college anymore. I've decided to take a various amount of classes and broaden my views and take classes I've never thought of taking, take something interesting, take classes that will help me find not just a path, but my path.

Have you ever came across a blog where a girl, maybe a boy, is ranting on her life or attempting to write deep and analytical?

You have no idea how much I hate reading them. They sound tacky and immature.

I think I blog like these days, and it annoys me to no end.

I want to blog like I did before. But I can't seem to find myself to.
Maybe I need to get my heart broken or put myself through an unending obstacle again.

Maybe my life is too easy.

Playground shenanigans.

"Walking in the rain, pocket full of change,

about to get a bottle for the pain, to wash it all away, I'll try,

if only I could stay this high, I wouldn't be concerned whether I live or die.

Soaking in the rain, hoping for a change.

But for now I'm rolling up a J, to smoke it all away, and flyyyyy,

if I could only stay this high, I wouldn't be concerned with whether I live or die."

Let me start by saying how much I love the rain. I love, love, love the rain. And I absolutely love lightening and thunder storms. You know what would make my summer much more enjoyable?

A little summer rain here and there.

With a little bit of thunder and lightening storms every once in a while.

I love every single kind of rain. Sprinkles, drizzles, during the winter, during the summer, on a random day. The rain makes me happy and sad all at the same time and I don't know why. But I love every emotion in it. And, one day, I will definitely move myself and Momo to Seattle and enjoy every moment of the rain.

But this wasn't the real reason to why I decided to blog today. My apology for the random babble about rain for I have not slept in over twenty eight hours and my brain is half fried and half baked. And I must apologize beforehand for this post might not even be relevant but in my fried mind, makes perfect sense. So, as I sit squinting and blinking constantly with my blood shot eyes due to an unknown infection on, I will carry on. And I think I will stop blogging like this and blog about my day.

Lately, I've been stressing. Mainly about college and if I'd be able to register in time for all the credible classes. However today, felt different. I don't know what it was about today but today was stress free and what I'd like to call a summer loving, summer night. My brain half fried, half baked seemed to function a lot more hyperactive and upbeat due to my insomnia.

To keep the day short at the end of the day, Emma and the boys all agreed to go to the Grove at 9PM. With not much to shop for and a belly full of gogi; treated out by Kenny, we all decided to go play at Pan Pacific Park right across from the Grove. Trying to steal the swings from all the babies and failing, we all decided to play Hide-and-Seek.

9PM with 78degree weather, the night was perfect.

The game felt so exhilarating and I felt like a kid again. Screaming my head off from being caught, sweating like a pig trying to tag someone, finding unique hiding spots. I forgot all about my problems and all I was thinking about was not getting found.

And let me ask you, why did we always insist on wanting to be older?

It's been less than four hours and I just want to go back to the park and lay on the slide cooling off from all that running.

I already miss high school but I'm too much in love with summer to trade back.

Yeah, I guess you figured I'm not doing the thirty day challenge today. :)

And I must get too sleep because my mind has seriously sh-sh-sh-sh-uh-uh-uh-uh-utda-da-da-awn.

I just saw 4:44, fuck you, haters.

Laid in bed for around thirty minutes trying to fall asleep. Utter fail, I can't sleep while it's still dark out.
Came onto blogspot with a sudden feeling of inspiration and attempted to write a deep post on my thoughts on life and it's predicaments. Because quite frankly that was what my mind was dwelling on for the past thirty minutes.

I couldn't find myself to thoroughly express myself and the words jumbled and just ended up deleting it.

I kind of miss how I wrote my older blogs back in 2009. Brutally honest and straight from the soul.

I don't know why I can't write like that anymore.

I need some inspiration in my life.

Somebody just get me out of here!

Flipped schedule.

Treat everyone you meet with dignity and respect,

but always have a plan to kill them.

Days 5-13. I know, I suck.

Oh my, I am so bad at this. This thirty day challenge is killing me, I'm so behind!

Okay, here we go!

Day 5 - Your Dreams

Dear dreams,

All you are is a dark, vast pool of emptiness.

I hope I find you real soon because you've been missing for quite a long time.

I miss having you in my thoughts and imagining myself in different perspectives.

Please, come back.

Yours truly, Stella.

Day 6 - A stranger

Dear Stranger,

First off, you are no stranger; just a friend I haven't met yet.

So friend-to-be,

I hope you aren't having too tough of a time. I hope you can wake up in the morning being able to be thankful for something, big or small. And if things are a little too tough for you to handle, I hope you have the strength to keep going because there are people who actually do care. Me included. Even if we don't know each other at all, I still hope you can find the strength to fight through any turbulence.

Love, Stella.

Day 7 - Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Haha, these thoughts running across my head were unexpected. But here goes...

Hi.

...

I actually wrote kind of a long letter to you. Changed my mind, erased it and decided to keep it short.

I've already written too much blogs about you, I've already had enough psychotic rants about you, and quite frankly, I need my sleep!

You changed. I changed. I don't know you. You don't know me.
We're two very different people and I don't think we'll ever be able to be friends again.

I don't mind. I've learned a lot and I don't regret putting myself through that mountain.

Although we ended on a very bad note, I still hope the best for you and I trust that you have a bright future ahead of you. Just keep your priorities straight and I hope you weren't lying when you said you knew your way of life. And if we ever happen to cross paths in the future, I hope we'll be able to smile to each other and go on with no negative feelings.

Best of luck, Stella.

Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend

An internet friend as in someone I don't personally know?

Yeah, don't have one so I guess I'll write to anyone who reads my blog that I don't know about or personally know. Don't think there's any though. This is pretty private... But anyway

Dear "internet friend,"

Thank you for reading my blog. I know I complain and whine a lot but thank you for reading it. I hope you don't hate me or have any negative feelings toward me because of what I write about or say. Because this is a pretty private blog but yeah, I know. There's nothing analytical or philosophical about so thank you for reading it, if you do!

Thanks, Stella.

Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet

Omgaaaa... I don't want to sound like a freak, but...

Dear Dumbfoundead,

(Oh my god, sigh, I know, I'm sorry... T_T)

I'll TRY to keep this short and simple.

Hehe, hello, you are simply amazing.

Yes, I am an avid fangirl and I am so sorry about that. If I ever see you at your shows or around LA, I will try to compose myself and not freak out and scream in your face.

Simple as that, you are absolutely amazing.

Start freestyling for me, just don't put me down. Serenade me with tunes, write a rap for me. Rap to me about morning cereal, I don't even know.

Just begin to talk because just the way you talk makes me happy.

I like your tattoos and they make you a hundred times cooler than you already are.

You are just the most charismatic person ever. Hands down.

I don't want to keep writing this pointless letter and make me sound more of a freak than I already sound, so... You'rehotandIloveyou,let'smarry. kthnxbye.

Haha, SIKE! No way am I ending a letter like that.

I don't need to wish you luck because you've already got it.

Love, love, love, love, Stella.

Hehe.

Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to

Dear someone who I don't talk to as much as I'd like,

I couldn't think of anybody at the moment but it's most likely because I'm afraid I'll either annoy you or I don't know what to say. I guess it's kind of my fault that I don't talk to you, but I hope one day, I'll either stop being so annoying or find something to say.

Stella

(Lame letter, lame fucking topic!!!)

Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to today

Dear harabugee,

Hello, it's me, Stella!

I wish I had known you better. I don't have much to say just that I wish you would have been able to stay longer to keep halmi company and to watch me grow. I wish I had gotten to know you as much as I know halmi and I wish you would be around for me to complain to. I wish I could see you and halmi as a team. As terrible as it sounds, all I can remember is the day of your funeral. I don't even remember myself crying, just playing around with the other babies. Although I do have an old video of us swimming in a pool and I was a tiny, little baby!
If you were alive today I would have asked you questions about your past and how my mom was when she was a teenage. Haha, I wonder how different my life would have been if you were around.

And although I'm not much of a religious person, I hope you are happy up in the Heaven's.

Love, Stella.

Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Oh wow, do I honestly want to get into this?

Funny how this person isn't a boy like most usual girls would write about.

Dear _____,

I don't hate you at all. Trust me, I've forgiven just haven't forgotten. And as sad as it sounds, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget. Just know, you'll never gain my trust back and my walls will always be up around you. And also know that, you lost it a long time ago.

I'm truly sorry about our friendship. I'm sorry you'll never be able to know the real reason why I've drifted from you. But for all those memories, thanks. They will surely be cherished and I'll still look back and laugh about over our silly-ness and I hope you will be able to as well. I'd also thank you for teaching me so much about people and friendship, I've learned a lot more than I have in high school.

Please get your definition of "a friend" checked. And I don't mean it to sound mean, I really hope you find what a friend truly means because I think you've got the wrong definition in your head.

I still wish you the best of luck and know your hardworking personality will payoff in the end.

Take care, Stella

Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you

Dear Someone who can't forgive me,

I don't really give two fuck's about you not being able to forgive me.

Get the fuck over it and find something else to do with your life other than holding grudges.

Go fuck yourself, biatch!

Stella.

Whew! Thinking too much about different people all in two hours!

Day 4: Dear Sarah and Simon Park.

I've been a bit of a blogbug lately, haven't I?

Today...

Today, I don't feel like writing letters. I feel like... I don't know what I feel.
But do I honestly ever know what I feel?

Today, I don't feel anything. I don't know what I want today.

It's practically five in the morning and I don't feel anything.

I don't feel tired, sad, happy, nor do I feel awake.

Well, I guess I feel anxious. Nervous for no reason and I've got a weird feeling in my tummy and sweaty palms.

I don't know time anymore. I don't know what the days are nor do I know the date. I guess this is what you can call this summer.

Oh, don't mind me bloggers, I'm just babbling on my blog because I've got nothing else to do at five in the morning.

Might as well write those damn letters.

Day 4 - Your Sibling

Well, I have two.

Dear Baby Brother,

Suuuuuuuuuuup. (-_-v)

1. Don't ask me for rides anymore; I hate driving.

2. Don't ever wake me up when I'm taking a tiger snooze; I'm a beast when someone wakes me up.

Just kidding, you already know this and I've already lashed out my temper at you about this billions of time. But it's only because you don't ever learn. Anyway, I think our relationship is okay? I remember I used to be so mean to you but I think over time, we've gotten a lot better. Sure, we aren't close and we don't talk much, but I guess it's better than us fighting all the time.

Now on to more interesting topics:

I really hope you do a lot better in high school than I did. I really do. I hope you get into some Ivy League college and make bank off something you love doing. Because honestly, I'm probably going to need a lot of your help in the future. Haha, I'm kidding but I hope you do pursue your talents in music and especially in piano. I know I rage on you when you start to play piano in the living room; but it's only because you begin to play when I'm asleep or when I'm listening to my music. But I honestly believe you have an extraordinary talent in piano and I have faith that with your passion you can become successful in the future. You have a very dedicated personality. Unlike me, you keep your eyes set and you don't know how much I wish I had that trait in me. Your ability to stay set on one goal and follow through will take you places. Your dedication to tennis is truly inspiring and your passion for piano will get you far.

Best of luck, Stella.

Dear Sarah,

Hello. We're definitely not close.

We never seem to have any deep end talks a lot sisters usually have. Probably not with your friends, but you're a very awkward person and very introverted. Ha, yeah, I read your diary once. Okay, I've read them numerous times. And different ones too and I still do when I get the chance.

BUT, it's only because I'm trying to get inside your head. And it's actually benefits you that I'm nosy and like to snoop around when I'm cooped up at home. Because, to tell you the truth, I kind of hated you. Well, never really hated you to the point where I wanted to kill you, but I've always had this sort of dislike towards you. Don't get me wrong, everyone in the family knows I completely love you and look up to you, but it's only because you're my older sister and it's pretty much a given.

I always thought you had it all and I kind of still do.

You think I'm crazy and a bitch. I won't lie, I am crazy and a bit of a bitch.

But it's only because I'm always comparing my life to your's.

You don't know this, but I'm jealous of you. I always thought you had it so easy. And even though you're only my half sister and umma isn't your actual mom, I always think it benefits you in so many better ways.

And I'm sorry I sound like an ignorant bitch but I think you're so lucky that you have parents who are separated. I don't know if you see it but you have no idea how easy the parents are on you. You don't know how much the parents fuss over you and shower you with almost everything you need. And as greedy and selfish as it sounds I was jealous that your real mother showered you with gifts Appa couldn't, I was jealous of how nice and patient dad was with you. Because you have no idea how Appa is to me. I was jealous of how halmoni always obsesses over you and puts you first over everything. I was jealous of how Umma never yells or gives you shit for anything.

You don't even know, Sarah. You got a car for your senior year. What the hell am I driving around? You got to go to Spain this summer. With three thousand dollars to spend. Do you know how much and how long I've waited to go to Korea? Do you know what Appa told me? He told me we had no money for me to go Korea; but he sends you money and buys himself a new porche. Do you get it?

Yeah, I sound like an ignorant bitch, I know. But I'm middle child and in a strange way, I'm also sort of like the first born.

I honestly thought your life was so easy. I mean, the way I saw it, I saw you showered with everything you wanted and needed with barely any problems. But as I read your diary(hehe), I found out that you had problems. And I mean a lot of problems.

I'm not that jealous anymore but I just think you should just try to understand my perspective.

I don't think I need to wish you luck with anything because I'm pretty sure I need the luck a lot more than you do and you're already on your road to success.

Always, Stella.

Wow. Aha, I'm glad I wrote those letters actually.

And even though my siblings will never read them nor will I ever show them; I'm glad I got that off my shoulders.

I'm spilling my whole life onto blogspot because of this damn 30 day challenge. Typing away for hours and freeing my babbling mind.

Yep, welcome to my life, blogspot.

I want the fast life.

Someone buy me a one way ticket to Korea.

I want to be on the twelve hour airplane ride with my travel bag.

I want to take Momo with me in her cat carrier.

Someone take me away and don't ever bring me back.

Day 2 and 3, I procrastinate.

Day 2 - Your Crush

Dear Vampire,

I don't really like calling you a crush because the word is immature and tacky, but since Emma and Jane both agree that you are in fact a crush, might as well.

You're hot and I'm sad I'll probably never see you ever again. But class with you was great and I think you're probably the hottest white guy I'll ever meet. Hope you become successful in whatever you do and if I see you in our high school reunion, I hope to see you rich and in a suit. Because, you sure as hell match it.

Much love, Stella

Day 3 - Your Parents

Dear Mom's and Pop's,

There are days I wish we'd get along better. I watch movies where kids have such good relationships with their parents and you don't know how jealous I get. You can't even imagine how I'd like to somehow be called "Daddy's little girl," or have little shopping dates with mom. But if I think, I know that'll never be possible.

Dear Momma,

Honestly, I think you're too weak for my taste. Haha, I'm not good with emotions and face to face talks and I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you've always dreamed of. I'm not a princess and I don't like talking about gut feelings and expressing myself in person. I know you want me to come to you with my problems and go to nail salons and all that, but I'm sorry, that's just not me. There are a lot of things I want to apologize to you for. Things that are mostly my fault but also for things that I can't do anything for. First and for most, I'm sorry for not being a good daughter. I know I'm mean and close myself in my room a lot and when I've got something to say all I do is yell my way into anything. I know you want to shower me with everything I want, and I also know you can't. And I'm sorry for never truly understanding. I'm sorry that all you do is try to make the family happy but it never really works out.

I don't know, but just know that I do know you try to side with me on everything. I just don't know how to accept it or appreciate it I guess.

Dear Pop's,

You and me are way to similar for me to like you.

Most days, if not all, I hate you.

Yeah there are days I wish we had a good relationship. There are days I tell myself that I'd be nice and try to make our relationship better, but it never happens and it probably never will. I remember back in the days I used to love you. You and me had the relationship you would call "Daddy's little girl," but I have no idea what happened.

I guess our similar personalities clash way too much.

Let me just let you know in advance, I've got way too much pride to try to fix our relationship first. And honestly, I don't think our relationship will ever get better and if anything, it'll probably get worse.

Sometimes Dad, I feel sorry for you. I really do. I feel sorry that you've never had a father to show you what a father is supposed to be.

And I guess I'm sorry I don't like to follow rules and listen to people.

I don't really know what to say to you. I don't think I have anything to apologize for in sincerity and I don't think I need to.

I guess, I think you should know that I'm too much like you to listen to anyone.

And if you keep pushing my limits, I don't think you know how fucked up and crazy my mind is.

Because if you do keep messing with my temper, I think I'll just end up killing you.

Stella.

My gorJES broskies!

It's July! (Already!?)

And I procrastinated my summer "homework" for this month. Hehe, forgive me.

So, my best friend. Or in my lucky case, best friends.

I think I've already blogged about them enough, but eh, what the hey.

Oh wow, lyrics go perfect for this post.

These two: Emma Kim and Jane Park.

I love them. Can I simply leave it at that?

Ah, okay, this might get mushy and we all know: we three, suck at it, receiving it, and hate it. But since you two have ended your blog rampage, I guess I'll give it a go.

You two... honestly, mean so much to me.

I know there are days when my short temper lashes out on you two and I become an annoying bitch, but it's honestly only because I know you two will stay with me either way. I know there are days when I get butthurt over the smallest things and become some jealous girlfriend, but it's honestly only because I don't want to be replaced.

It's funny how we're all friends actually. How our different, yet similar personalities don't seem to clash.

We haven't really gotten into many huge fights, have we? We've had our stupid up's and down's, but all in all, knowing we'd make up and get everything back to normal. We also haven't really very open to each other, like we don't ever seem to tell each other our gut feelings. But it's funny, we're still so close. Best friends, I can say. I know we don't open up a lot. We're all a bit of introverts, can you agree? Haha, my two best friends: One introverted freak and cold hearted emotionless. You two are both my onions. I've always got to peel you guys open, although mostly forcefully by me. :)

I want to thank you guys. And I know I won't ever thank you guys in person, nor do I think you two will accept it in person due to embarrassing emotional feelings, haha.

But, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you two for always being there for me.

Emma, you've always been there for me. It's funny how we've cliqued from our different yet very similar personalities. Meeting you in freshmen year, as cliche as it sounds, has completely changed my life. How we've always had similar dreams to be something a little more than normal, Seokyo. How we'd complain about being trapped and suffocating from everything surrounding us. You always listen to me complain and whine about the stupidest and smallest things, yet you listen. I always get angry with you over the smallest things, yet you forgive me. We always seem to be going through a certain turmoil together. And I just hope you know that I will always, always, be there for you. I know how introverted you can be, and there are times I get butthurt over how little you tell me, but it's okay. I won't push you anymore(yeah right). But I just want you to know how thankful I am for a friend like you. I love how our personalities balance so well and I hope it always will. You've always been there for me and I hope even though it'll get annoying, you always will. And I just have to add, thanks for always cooking for me. You and Jane mean so much to me that it's kind of disgusting. Haha, and I know I get jealous girlfriend on you a lot, but you know why, bra. Thank you so much for looking after me like my momma and listening to my useless shit.

Jane, you crazy girl, you have been there for me on one of my toughest times. I can still remember spring break so vividly, sleeping over your house and watching the sunrise at CV. I don't think you and Emma know how much that night meant to me. You've helped me through on probably one of the hardest times of my life by simply listening to me and accepting me with open arms. Every time I think of junior year, I hate myself on how gay I was and didn't see that you were in fact a true friend. Haha, this is weird talking like this to you but it's not like you'll read it. But I'm so thankful that through it all, you still accepted me and thought of me as a friend. I don't think you even know how thankful I am for that. Our random talks at Vons, eating like five bags of large fries, eating Mcdonald's ice cream and fries, Gringo's El Cheapo Tacos. We would always be eating. But haha, our personalities clash a lot, too. We're both hotheads. But in the end, our friendship is pretty wild. Sometimes I wonder if it's only me doing the laughing, but I think our relationship is very funny. Our crazy, top of the head, conversations and our random outbursts of... pretty much, nothing. You and me together, we're pretty unstoppable. Dynamic Duo and Supreme Team!! Thank you so much for being there for me when I needed a friend the most.

I don't want to lose you two as we all go on to college and go on and do our own things. It honestly worries me almost everyday when I think of being separated from you two next year. And I just hope you two will always keep in touch and keep me in your lives. You two mean so much to me that I can't even express it properly. I hope college won't pull us apart but pull us closer together. I don't know about you two, but I most definitely want you two in my life, FOR LIFE. I want you two in my life when I'm in some turmoil that probably doesn't mean much, I want you two in my life when I'm at my happiest. I want you two to buy me ice cream (haha) when I'm sad. I want you two to meet my future husband at a nice steak dinner; Emma don't embarrass me by ignoring me and Jane close your damn cat eyes. (>:o!!) I want you to tell me if he's not the one or whatnot. I want you two at my wedding as my maid of honors. I don't care if you can't have two, you two are my maid of honors! You get it? I want you two through it all.

You guys aren't even just best friends, you guys mean so much more than that. You two are like my sisters. My support system and family. And it's funny because I see you two more of a family to me than my own. You two are like my other halves. If that makes sense. Okay, Emma, you're like one fourth me and Jane, you're also like one fourth me. (Because I think I need to be at least half of me o_o)

And although sometimes, I think, I think of you two more than you two think of me.

I don't really care.

Because you two are my best friends. What more is there to say?

You don't know how proud and prideful I am that I was blessed with two amazing best friends.

And I know I always make up crazy scenarios where you two will ruin my life, but I only do it because it's funny and I know for a fact you two would never.

Mushy enough for you?

I think this is enough gut feelings for the next century. So I'll write about you two in 2020.

Through thick and thin, bro's.