Just... the utter stress, frustration, and inner turmoil I am going through right now is simply indescribable. Awake at 6:12 AM on a Monday morning, class in three hours, with unfinished assignments; it truly never ceases to amaze me. These tears literally pouring down my face, I cannot even attempt to describe these emotions that a thousand "fuck's" could not even suffice. And all this frustration for this? For school? For my Microeconomics class? Those tears that I spilled months ago, so foolish, so childish. I am literally in tears over my frustration for Microeconomics. Really, I am really breathing and living in my textbook. Taking notes, outlining chapters, researching online; but why do I fail to understand these assignments? I would go through my poisonous memories a thousand times over than have to deal with this confusion, frustration, and anger upon my stupidity.
I know being a business major isn't for me. Let alone an Economics major. I knew this from the very beginning. I have no passion for supply and demand graphs and marginal tax rates. But it's honestly everything I wish and want to be. Why a Business major? Because it's money. It's true though, there are other options, a doctor perhaps, so why must it be business? Because business majors are independent, strong, smart, and undeniably successful. Business majors are suave and have an irresistible swag. They understand and have an unending knowledge. Business majors succeed with language, with mathematics, with economics, with current events, with communications... Business majors create a whole company, corporation, building entirely on their own.
People ask me why The Social Network is my favorite movie. Why? Because the characters in the movie are exactly the type of person I would like to be. Like Mark Zuckerberg, a know it all, stuck up, genius. A person who creates the biggest social networking site and the youngest billionaire in the world. Like Sean Parker, a young entrepreneur, a founder of companies at such a young age. And most importantly and especially, like Eduardo Saverin; a man who memorized the formula at the top of his and recites it with such swag. Loaded with cash, understands business, wears suits, and ever so coolly calls himself an Economic major. Eduardo Saverin the exact person I wish to be. I long to be the female version of him. I dream of one day being like him and simply worship the ground he walks.
And here I am at GCC, literally in tears because of Microeconomics. 6:33 AM and I have just realized that I will never be like Eduardo Saverin. I have literally worshiped his knowledge and I am here in complete frustration. I will never be able to attend Harvard University for my graduate school, as I always wished for. Nor will I even be able to attend University of Pennsylvania, Wharton School of Business for my Undergrad. Nor will I be able to attempt to achieve a PhD degree at USC for some mathematical branch like my dad. I told myself last night that I will get through this, get through Economics, but here I am Monday morning... Unable to comprehend my assignment.
I have never felt so frustrated in a class in my entire life. I'm not simply crying over my frustration in Economics. I'm crying because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I read my Economics textbook, no matter how much time I spend on Economics, I can't seem to understand. I'm crying because I am literally consuming my life into Economics and letting every one of my other classes slip away from me. I'm crying because I really think it's time for me to let go. Let go of wanting to be a successful, independent, business/economics major.
And I cry because, I wonder, how many more dreams must I give up in the future?
20110322
I'm Fine. Just Not Happy.
There are a few things that people don't know about me. And at times like these, I don't know what to feel and I don't know whose there and whose not.
The thing is... I care too much. I just care too fucking much. And as much as I'd like to tell myself and others that I don't give a fuck; my mind is on a roll, racing to find out the why's, what's, and how's. And as much as I keep a front, I'm a very, very, very timid person. I think too much and way too hard of things that shouldn't matter. I'm afraid of words. I want to feel safe and I want to surround myself with walls. I want to be able to let go and begin to care less of things that shouldn't matter. I want somebody to understand, to be able to break these barricades around me and to somehow find a light inside of me. I just don't really think I know how to allow a person to break these walls down.
Yet, how can I be so terribly naive? Yes, this is only momentary. I understand that, I understand myself enough to know this, but why do I allow myself to delve deep into thoughts and find meaning in the smallest of things? I'm really sick of myself. I want to believe in something, knowing the lies I'm feeding myself. I don't know what's worse. That I'm allowing myself to, as it brings me momentary happiness, or continuing to be happy over these lies. I hate how girls have the tendency to believe things are "meant to be," or somehow twist fabricated words into reality.
But either way, I still am a hundred percent sure of one thing: This doesn't come up to par as the other. Pathetic and apathetic, it doesn't really matter. I don't mind, I'm simply stating the facts.
I'd also like to add, I don't entirely hate the "happily ever after's." I just don't believe in them, and as much as I'd like to, I just don't really enjoy them. I might not hate them, but I don't like them. Yes, I believe in the happy middle's. In fact, I'm in love with them. They're my favorite part of the story. I just don't particularly believe that the ending should be happy as well. Why are we so obsessed with happy endings? Everything that comes together, must fall apart. I'm not a cynic, I just think the terrible endings are much more enjoyable. A happy ending, ends with a happy ending, the end. But an open ending leaves space for a person to grow, to find happiness in something else, I don't know. Just don't talk to me about happy endings, they kind of make me sick.
Did you know, though? I live my life through my mind. I live my mind in the future, rotting my present. However, I must tell you something, I'm losing my mind.
I don't really know what I'm saying, to be honest. I don't really know anything, ever at all, actually. I just know I'd rather be anywhere but here. School is utterly sucking the soul out of me, yet I still don't really mind. I wish I could black myself out with life's alcohol and escape this. This, that, who, what, where, when, how, I don't know and I don't really give a fuck. My mind is anywhere but here.
The thing is... I care too much. I just care too fucking much. And as much as I'd like to tell myself and others that I don't give a fuck; my mind is on a roll, racing to find out the why's, what's, and how's. And as much as I keep a front, I'm a very, very, very timid person. I think too much and way too hard of things that shouldn't matter. I'm afraid of words. I want to feel safe and I want to surround myself with walls. I want to be able to let go and begin to care less of things that shouldn't matter. I want somebody to understand, to be able to break these barricades around me and to somehow find a light inside of me. I just don't really think I know how to allow a person to break these walls down.
Yet, how can I be so terribly naive? Yes, this is only momentary. I understand that, I understand myself enough to know this, but why do I allow myself to delve deep into thoughts and find meaning in the smallest of things? I'm really sick of myself. I want to believe in something, knowing the lies I'm feeding myself. I don't know what's worse. That I'm allowing myself to, as it brings me momentary happiness, or continuing to be happy over these lies. I hate how girls have the tendency to believe things are "meant to be," or somehow twist fabricated words into reality.
But either way, I still am a hundred percent sure of one thing: This doesn't come up to par as the other. Pathetic and apathetic, it doesn't really matter. I don't mind, I'm simply stating the facts.
I'd also like to add, I don't entirely hate the "happily ever after's." I just don't believe in them, and as much as I'd like to, I just don't really enjoy them. I might not hate them, but I don't like them. Yes, I believe in the happy middle's. In fact, I'm in love with them. They're my favorite part of the story. I just don't particularly believe that the ending should be happy as well. Why are we so obsessed with happy endings? Everything that comes together, must fall apart. I'm not a cynic, I just think the terrible endings are much more enjoyable. A happy ending, ends with a happy ending, the end. But an open ending leaves space for a person to grow, to find happiness in something else, I don't know. Just don't talk to me about happy endings, they kind of make me sick.
Did you know, though? I live my life through my mind. I live my mind in the future, rotting my present. However, I must tell you something, I'm losing my mind.
I don't really know what I'm saying, to be honest. I don't really know anything, ever at all, actually. I just know I'd rather be anywhere but here. School is utterly sucking the soul out of me, yet I still don't really mind. I wish I could black myself out with life's alcohol and escape this. This, that, who, what, where, when, how, I don't know and I don't really give a fuck. My mind is anywhere but here.
20110313
Things Fall Apart.
So I came across this book, Looking for Alaska, by John Green. In the beginning I thought not much of it; just another hipster novel with sentiments of wallflowers and unique people, but I came across this quote:
“Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. … You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”
I can't even explain how much this quote scares me and how much truth lies in it. It's true, we are almost stuck in a labyrinth of suffering and it's almost impossible to get out. How long have I been waiting for this future to come?
I'm simply living in the present with my mind in the future, but honestly, when will the future come? I don't even notice how much time has gone by, how much time I have lost by simply waiting for this future.
I just want to live. To simply, truly live. To feel alive, invincible, and free.
I really need to get myself out of this labyrinth.
“Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. … You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”
I can't even explain how much this quote scares me and how much truth lies in it. It's true, we are almost stuck in a labyrinth of suffering and it's almost impossible to get out. How long have I been waiting for this future to come?
I'm simply living in the present with my mind in the future, but honestly, when will the future come? I don't even notice how much time has gone by, how much time I have lost by simply waiting for this future.
I just want to live. To simply, truly live. To feel alive, invincible, and free.
I really need to get myself out of this labyrinth.
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