Weather for the Lonely.

"I wanted to be untouchable and beautiful and completely dead inside."

“Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would.”

December.
I can't understand this year. It still hasn't hit me that it is already December and the whole year of 2012 blew by without me accomplishing anything I've hoped for. Half my year has been forgotten as I flirted with different substances. It's like I've been stoned on the same spot for the entirety of this year.
Regardless, I can't seem to get my mind out of Korea lately. How much I've been wanting to go back. Does this make me a coward? I can't answer this questions because I'm not even quite sure if I'm running away or not. I tell myself that it must be the weather; simple answers. People tell me the weather shouldn't be a factor because I've felt the same months ago.
And it's funny because I asked myself this question- if I woke up to a different place at a different time, would I wake up as a different person? I woke up with a disheartening answer: no. Because you can't get away from yourself. I remember telling myself how I could have been so stupid, thinking it would be possible to runaway from my own self.
But I can't help but wanting a break from everybody. And I think, this time, indefinitely. To start anew and fresh. To wake up as a completely different person and to look into the mirror and see a person I've never seen before.
They say I have low self-esteem and I know it. Someone once told me that mirrors deform the actuality of my reality. And I hoped to god that it was the truth. I hoped that what I saw in the mirror was a lie and tried my hardest to believe it. But it's sad because as much as I wished it were the truth, it wasn't. The mirror told the truth and it's a sudden realization that every single problem I have and dealt with roots within myself. And just how morbidly disgusting I am.
I don't know how to fix that.

Nonetheless, I seem to be missing quite a few people lately-people that I have let go despite my will, people who have left, and people that I had no power over. It scares me, but the same question seems to float by me to each one of you: if I could take back our last conversation, what would be different?

Is this healthy?

I need a drink

It's been too long since my last update. I don't even know where to begin; what's changed, and what's new.
I can confidently say that things are much better than how I had left off. Miserable, but not suicidal. Which is good. Right?
My last update was dated sometime in June- three months. Which doesn't seem too long of a time, but I can't remember anything that had gone on in my life at that time. I'm not even sure what I did three weeks ago.
But I've started to openly write. Currently taking a Creative Writing class and hoping something will magically spill ink across my paper.
I don't really know why I decided to sign back unto Blogspot, but I've missed it. And I've decided to share my first, ever-written poem here.
As for any updates, I don't have any.

Suddenly Summer

Happy June.
It surely has been a while since my last update, and I don't know if you know, but I'm back. I've been back in sunny Southern California for a little over a month and I can't decide whether much has happened or not.
Nonetheless, I've been nothing but blank for the past two weeks. In utter nothingness with no sense of happiness and, most importantly, no sense of sadness. And I think I'm okay with that.
Sometimes I think back to much "simpler" times- times when I would rarely be out and about, times where I would find comfort in the white walls of my room, confided by book bindings and sentimental thoughts. The more I look back unto myself, the better I always seem to have been. This makes me sad.
I also seem to find myself thinking back unto Korea and questioning whether I had actually spent my time there or not. Whether Korea had been a dream or not- I can't remember what is what lately and I seem to be living in a haze.
Either way, I've learned to accept that times have changed, people have changed, and I have, most of all, have changed the most.
To be honest, my life is currently in lost tracks and unable to be found. I'm not in any rush to find it, though. As I said, blank.
I don't really have much to say. I just thought that an update was much delayed.
Wherever I have gone, I hope to be back soon?

A La Folie

To Insanity

Headache.

How has a whole month gone by without me even realizing it? It is already mid-April and I feel sick. Sick to my stomach that I have allowed myself to completely waste away my life here in Seoul, Korea. Panic stricken at four in the morning, self-loathing at two in the afternoon, and a cup of tea with my suicidal thoughts. Maybe I'm being dramatic, maybe I'm being ridiculous- I still can't help myself.

I've been told to relax and ease my mind. That this was the time for me to finally get the vacation I've always been asking for.

I really wanted to, too.

I had hoped for so much out of Korea.
Korea had always been a sort of unremitting hope. I had always dreamt of running away to Korea and escaping the blunders of my life.
But here I am, sickened by the utter nothingness in life. 

Layaway Options

Just smoked a cigarette at five in the morning- 5:29 AM in Seoul city to be exact.

Not yet asleep and not planning to anytime soon.
And the thoughts are back- as if they ever left.

I don't know what people want. Or maybe I do.
Either way, I don't plan on giving it to them because in the end, it's not what I want. I simply wanted to get out. Coming to a foreign country was supposed to be my second option and I got it. It just doesn't seem to suffice. All I wanted was to be somewhere different- wake up to something new. Whatever it may have been- I just wanted to be happy.
Back at home and here in Seoul, I can't seem to find it.

As much as I say I'm in love with my misery, it gets sickening.
Everything is just so utterly pointless and I can't help myself for being so damn jaded.

Happiness is an illusion and I suppose this is the reason as to why so many people commit suicide.

All I really wanted was to be happy but how can anybody be happy when happiness is not even a possibility. I don't understand why people simply can't seem to get it.

I'm not fucking depressed, I'm not fucking sad, I'm not fucking anything. This is me. This is me "happy," this is simply me. I just wanted to get out and wake up to something different- I just want to get out and wake up to something different.

It's not so much that I want to die. It's a fucking scary thought- that maybe I'd wake up to something worse, but it's a risk I'd take.
There's so much that I'd miss, but what the fuck is a person to do if it just isn't enough?

A Kind Hello From an Insomniac

"And I apologize for my awkward sadness"

I do, I really do.
I am currently in the motherland- reasons unbeknownst even to myself. But I'm here and I can't go back because my parents can't understand.

And since this blog is completely private and not anybody's business but my own, I'll just go right and say it: I got caught trying to kill myself.
It wasn't the first time and now, it certainly won't be the last time.

I don't really know why I ended up blowing up- maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the people, maybe I was really just sick of being so unhappy all the time. Nonetheless, I had a breakdown right in the middle of a party and I couldn't get out of my funk so at three in the morning, I took a cab home that cost me $120. I don't know why I did it and why I couldn't just have gotten a ride from a willing friend- I had to be alone and I really was done with myself. I don't understand what had triggered my neurotic behaviour.
But I got caught. And now I'm here.

Missing the shit out of my misery.
I'm in Korea. To get away from the people, the drugs, and the familiarity of my life. I'm away from everything and everyone that had "made" me miserable- I'm still miserable, but not enough. How naive was it to think that I could runaway from it? If I even want to be away from it.

I want to go back. I want to go home.

Back to my misery and back to the state of mind where I had the guts to press down on my wrist.

As I sit here with absolutely nothing to be miserable about- my mind tumbles and tumbles, creating more reasons to be miserable. I didn't runaway from my problems because my problem never leaves. I came to Korea in hopes to become better and get these thoughts away from me- but I'm sitting here, creating problems because that's what I do.

I don't know how to be happy.

And maybe that's because I don't want to be happy.

Tell Me Your Thoughts

"This momentary joy breeds months of pain;

This hot desire converts to cold disdain."

So much has happened in these slow, few months. I look back into my previous posts and wonder what had bugged me then because as of right now, I have officially hit rock bottom. You can't see shit from rock bottom.
I don't know what it is that triggered my emotions to spill out in front of every single being in my life. In the last couple of days, hours even, I have openly bled my soul unto people. I guess it can be deciphered as a cry for help, but here I sit at 3:10AM, openly naked and cut open. It's cold.
But I am here to tell you of my month and recent escapades:
I have made friends. With an extraordinary group of people who I love with all of my heart- even if some don't deserve it. And in just a few weeks, I feel as if I had known them all of my life and I wish with all of my heart for them to be a permanent part of my life. Because I don't think I have the strength to let another group of people leave.
But the funny thing is, I am leaving.
I have been saying over and over again, I have to go, I have to go, I have to go. And I am finally fucking going.
This is what I need the most: to leave. And I finally am.
But is it pathetic? To be scared. I'm so afraid to leave and to come back to a completely different environment.

All the while, I'm sitting here, wondering with my scarred arms and bloody face, what the hell I am going to do. What had caused this downfall and what had triggered my breakdown? Had it been the drugs or was this already coming?
Again, I'm so afraid for my future. So scared that everybody will be out and about, making ends, while I sulk and cry all day. I'm so scared for my dark canvas that I don't know if I had made the right decision. I wish I could say that I am leaving, in hopes of brightening my future, but I don't think I am. My painting is charred and burnt, will I ever have the power to color it with the songs and melodies it once held?

I'm leaving in tears and in absolute fear for my future. I'm leaving in hopes for finding a future, murdering my life here. I'm leaving everything that once meant so dear to me, will my feelings remain the same when I return? Will I even come back?

Someone, something, help me find myself. Whether I had lost it, whether I had ever found it, help me find me and never let it go.