I don't know how it happened, but my questions were answered.
And I mean they were truly answered. As I was sitting and reveling back into forbidden thoughts, I began to pray to God, begging for answers, and there they were. Just as I was beginning to cry, once again. The answers just came to my head and I really didn't need to cry anymore.
I guess I'm over it. I'm really over it and I really mean it this time.
And I feel empty inside.
And I don't know if I'm happy or sad.
All I know is I feel empty and there is nothing I can do about it. There's nothing inside of me and I guess there really is nothing other than getting over it. I guess I truly am over it.

I feel empty inside.

Sing Me to Sleep.

"Maybe it's sad that these are now memories. And maybe it's not sad."
I want to feel infinite.
I want to explain to you what the feeling of infinite is but I don't think it's quite possible. I feel like I've felt it before. Felt being infinite. But no matter how deep my words can be, no matter how vividly I can show you, I really can't explain to you how feeling infinite is like. I think it's different for everybody. I can't remember the last time I felt infinite., though.
Asleep by The Smith's.
Please, listen to it.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
Please, read it.
I feel really stupid. This song makes me cry. And I don't really know what I cry about. I cry about Charlie, myself, memories, and simply everything. But I don't cry about Charlie, myself, memories, and simply everything. I cry about nothing at all, yet I cry for everything.
I've been thinking too much lately. And you know, even though I hate school so much, I really wish it would start again. Because I need to get these thoughts out of my mind. I want to keep my mind busy and my mind on simply trying to get out of here. I'm thinking about everything and nothing and I don't really know how to stop. I really need to stop all this thinking.
No matter how much I think about it, it never will matter.
How can I think so much on something that never will acknowledge me?

Epiphany? I don't know.

Dear friends,
I'm currently reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky and currently obsessed with it. Its a short book but I'm trying to savor the reading as much as I can. And the reason I'm writing my blog as a letter to a friend, is exactly because of Charlie. So, bear with me as I get through this phase. And I know I'm blogging quite often these past couple of days. I have quite a lot of time on my hand as I am on break and all I must attend to is work, gym, and playing. I guess I'm having a decent time. Thinking quite a lot.
A peculiar memory came across my mind a few hours ago.
Today is one of my bestest friend's birthday. So, happy birthday to her! And to celebrate, we decided to go eat gogi. I was having a fairly good time and horking down as much meat as possible. Until I got a terrible stomach ache. Indigestion, ate too fast, ate too much, I don't know, all I know is, the worst type of stomachache possible. So I began to sweat bullets and I really thought I was going to die. I don't know if you know this about me but, I am deathly afraid of stomachaches and I hate them more than anything. I don't think I have enough time to revel into those memories tonight, though. Anyway, so after my stomachache calmed down, we were just about ready to leave. And on the drive back, we were all fairly quiet and while I was thinking about my stomachache and how much it hurt, this peculiar memory ran across my mind.
After we got back, I decided to drive myself home and try to get myself feel better. Well, the drive wasn't as graceful as I had to stop my car for a bit because my stomachache came back. But after a few minutes, I decided to suck it up and get home as soon as possible.
This part is quite funny actually because I didn't really understand it myself.
As I was on the drive back home, that one memory scurried across my mind, once more. And I couldn't really get it out of my mind. This is where it gets really funny because at that moment I began to cry. I really began to cry. Tears began to pour down my face and I was choking on my words as I was speaking out loud. I was talking to myself, to God, to no one at all. I'm not a very religious person, but I really began to question God. I was asking him his reasons to his motives, I began to ask myself what I was even talking about, I began to yell at nobody at all. All in about five minutes, I was going through a meltdown and crying my eyes out in my car, when I was simply just trying to get home. I don't know who I was talking to, to be honest. I was really just pouring my heart out to the rain, to my car, to the radio, to God, to myself, to nobody at all.
I don't know how to explain this memory. It wasn't really special anyway. It just added onto the obvious, I don't know why it made me cry so much. I don't want to talk about it tonight, though. Maybe later.
Well, I got home alright and pulled myself together just fine. It was as if nothing even happened and everything was as normal as could be. I don't know why I decided to blog about this. It was just a turn of events, I guess.

Love always,
Yoorin

Once More.

Do you want to read a pathetic story?
I used to fit into size zero pants when I was a freshman in high school.
And there's this one pair of size zero shorts that I used to absolutely adore. I bought them for around seventy bucks. Mind you, they were shorts for seventy bucks. They were my absolute favorite. Perfect color, perfect length, just my style.
Guess where those shorts are?
Sitting in the back of my closet collecting dust and waiting for me to be able to wear them again.
Dieting sucks. I've probably done every single diet in history. I diet, lose a ton of weight, gain it all back.
But this time, I think it'll be different.
This time, I know it'll be different.

I cried last night.
As pathetic as it sounds, yeah, I cried.
Because I've finally realized and accepted just how important something was to me. And I'm not going to lie, I still find it important.
There was this one thing that I've always brushed to the back of my mind. I tried so hard to keep it out of my life and in many ways, it worked. I found different distractions to rid these thoughts, but little did I know it was only momentarily. And suddenly, its as if all these thoughts came rushing back. There was no distractions and I was stuck in a trance, reveling back into these worn out, dusty, abused thoughts.
So, I cried.
I didn't cry because I was angry at the memories returning and having to think back to them.
I cried because I came across my past words. I looked unto those words and I looked at last night's words.
I don't really know the connection to the two. Last night's words were the same as usual. Telling myself that it isn't, it wasn't, it isn't important. But looking back to the past words, all it said was it is, it was, it is important. These past words were words that were written without much thought. Written in the midst of the moment, written with no thoughts at all. But last night's words were thought out, organized, and planned.
I cried at my past words and last night's words. Because no matter how much I write and read last night's words, these past words are the truth.
These past words meant so much to me and its sad to see just how much I was in love with this thing and just how important it was to me. Never in my life have I ever wanted anything more and its sad to see that I've never got it, and never will.
I cried because I knew just how important this was to me and just how important it still is to me.
I accept it. I accept that it wasn't a mere obsession. It was so much more than that. It still is. I'm not going to say that I didn't and I don't, because if I did, it'd be a lie. And how long have I been lying to myself for? For too long. So, I accept how important this is to me and I'm ready to accept that this just might be with me for forever. There's no turning back and I accept that I might possibly still be in love with it in the future.
That's why I know it'll be different this time.
There will be no more failures and no more giving myself second chances.
I'm going to change. And I'm going to become the person that I've always wanted to be. And the person I've always wanted to be is the same person as the other person wanted. Because I've always wanted to be the person as the other person wanted. Because that person, is me.
Since I have accepted that it might possibly be with me forever, why not?
Why not become the person that I've always wanted to be, be the person the other person always wanted?


I really hope nobody understands this post.
But I don't worry too much, because I don't understand it myself.

L'ESPIRIT DE L'ESCALIER

There are currently four drafts written from just this day.
I don't know how to correctly express my words.

There are people that we can't live without, but we have to learn to let them go.
It really is scary when you realize how important a person is to you in your life. Its scary that one person, a person that was once so insignificant, becomes the only thing you can think about. Its scary how a person, once a stranger, becomes the only person you care about. Its scary how that person, the person you didn't even care about, has the power to control your emotions. Its scary how one person can make the biggest impact unto your life. Its scary that this person, the person who is almost consuming your life, doesn't even stop to think about you. Its scary how this person, you're worried that you'll never be able to forget him, has already forgotten.
Its insane how these memories, that you've so carefully stored into your mind, these memories, that you've so carefully thought about over and over, can mean nothing to the other person.
Its sad how these memories, that once made you smile and giggle, begin to melt into an acidic poison. These memories begin to taint your mind with horrid thoughts, of the why's, what if's, and if only's. These memories that once meant so much to you, begin to hurt you because they remind you.
They remind you of the unfinished ending. They remind you of the ending that will never be finished by anybody but yourself. These memories will stay with you forever until you learn how to forget.
But isn't it scary? That there is no answer to this.
There is no guide to forget memories. Memories that mean everything to you.
Will I ever forget? Will I ever brush these memories off and laugh over my silliness?
L'espirit de l'escalier.
There are so many things I would have said if I knew it would have ended there.
The sad thing is though,
we don't understand the calmness of love so we tend to shout.

Someone teach me.

Salute Your Solutions.

Currently in a trance.
Its the weather. This weather always seems to get to me. This cold, chilly weather always seems to put me into a reverie that I never can get out of.
I thought a lot last night. I wrote a lot last night.
I sat myself down and began to write. Not of my future or any of the things that have been bugging me lately.
I thought of the one thing that always seemed to creep into my mind. I thought of the one thing that continued to bug me, that I constantly tried to keep at the back of my mind.
I wrote. I finally wrote it down. Because there was no way in hell would I ever had been able to speak it out.
You see, there's so much I would like to say. So much I would like to yell out. So much I'd do to allow the fates to clash once more.
But no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I push out these thoughts; there really is nothing that I could to do to allow anything to happen.
So I thought, and wrote. I wrote everything. And that way, I would be able to rip everything out into the open.
I didn't find anything interesting. I didn't find an answer.
Just everything was out in the open and bare for my eyes to see.
I stared into the paper, long and deep. I didn't find an answer. Because I already knew the answer. And I've already known this answer, long, long ago. There was no answer.
I stared into my messy scrawl. And found nothing.
And I slept and slept, and I woke up feeling nothing.
Because there really is nothing to feel. And despite just how many times I've told myself this;
I truly am over it. Because there is no other way out.
Because if I kept myself, allowed myself to hide these thoughts away, I'd never be able to find myself.
I look at that paper once more. Cringe of its sad, empty ending. Smile and walk away.
Because that is all I can do.
Because all I am getting over is nothing.
Because everything was nothing at all.

Fuck You Very Much, Please.

Annoyed, angry, disappointed, saddened.
You know, you really can't please everybody.
And maybe, you can't even please anybody.
I'm so sick of people and yeah, I really am in a hating everybody moment. But I'm not going to lie, I hate every single bitch and bastard living right now. There is nobody that I can think of that doesn't get a little bit of hate in me right now.
I want to get out and I don't know why life makes it so hard for me to get out of here.
I want to go somewhere far, far away where nobody will know me. Not even know my name. Not know anything about me. Nothing at all, that I can even create a whole new identity for myself that they wouldn't know.
Right now I would just like to scream at the top of my lungs, yell curse words as loud as possible, hit each and everybody with all my might, and maybe, just maybe, wrap myself in my blanket and cry.
How much do people know me?
Do you know me or do you know my name and past whispers around my name? Do you know my name or my story? Do you know presently me or do you know my past, present, and future me?
What the fuck do you know about me?

I'm really done trying.
I really can't keep trying on something that will keep tripping me.
My walls are up and I'm finished with trying.

This isn't your business.

I have a massive, massive, massive headache right now.
And it is currently 2:38AM, whereas I have to be awake at 6:30AM to make it on time to my music class. Where I will be receiving a grade no higher than a B, due to my constant lateness and absences.
But I can't fall asleep because I am freaking the fuck out.
This community college ordeal isn't working out too well for me. In so many ways.
Half having to do with my laziness and inability to focus on my school work.
Like right now, instead of wasting my time complaining and worrying about my lack of work drive, I should attempt to memorize Hirigana or start my English essay. Why have I dropped Sociology? I'm not even a Sociology major and it really doesn't matter if I get a C or not. Do I really want to be a business major? Am I really not going to focus on my school work?
This is all starting to rush into my head. Because I've only just realized that, this is it.
There are no more second chances. If you screw up now, then you'll be making eight dollars an hour for the rest of your life.
That W you just received for dropping Sociology, will stay on your transcript for the rest of your life.
Is Business your passion? Are you willing to work in the business field for the rest of your life?
This is all freaking me out.
Is everybody else so sure of themselves? I'm only eighteen!
Isn't it the time for me to not give a fuck and party all I want? Or am I too old for it?
How am I supposed to make these life changing decisions at such a young age?
Am I not young?

2 Year Winter

I shouldn't even be on here, tumblr, or twitter. I have so much to do in so little time. And I really would like to sleep or start Harry Potter 7 so I can be ready for the movie Thursday night.
But I have so much to say and so many thoughts that I can't seem to comprehend.
I don't understand myself.
How can I still be thinking these thoughts? Wasn't I over this?
How am I still thinking of you? Blissfully, yet overbearingly, wishing for change. Wishing for our fates to clash once more. Telling myself that the second time, surely will be different. How can I still be thinking of you? How can I still miss you?
Am I even really missing you? Am I missing you or am I missing those feelings?
But why can't I seem to allow myself the same feelings? Someone once told me that I might have just been imagining you. Because, maybe, I just exaggerated you and you really aren't that great.
Do you know what I responded? I answered flatly, no, you are.
I don't understand how I can still be thinking these thoughts.
I was over this. I've been over this.
This is starting to scare me. I don't understand what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. How? Someone answer me. How am I still thinking these thoughts? Have I ever even truly been over this?
I'm telling myself that I only miss the feelings but inside I know it's not. Because if it were just feelings, I would be moving happily along. Because if it were just feelings, I would have allowed myself happiness a few months ago. But I know it's not.
I'm missing you. In the flesh. And I don't understand how this could be possible.
It's been way too long for me to still be pondering over useless thoughts and powerless memories. Memories so old that I can't even seem to fully remember what happened.
Time has changed so many things. It has changed me, you, us. It has changed me, but how can I still be waiting for our fates to clash once more? How is it that, I wouldn't give up the world to erase these memories? These powerless memories?
I am admitting this in ink, and never once have I fully admitted this to myself;
I'm not over it. Even if it's been years, I'm not over it.
I miss you so much that I pray to somehow see you. Even if its just for a few seconds.
What in the actual fuck is wrong with me?

No Love.

At it again.
I'm sick of everything and I just want to disappear.

Fuck this life and fuck this place.
I want to get out. How long, how loud, how much do I have to say it.
I want to get the fuck out of here. I need to get out of here.

Why can't I just get out and go somewhere where nobody knows me.

Fuck this.

You Know My Name. Not My Story.

Just as I have predicted, I'm neglecting my blogspot. I'm too busy on tumblr; but I know it'll only be temporary. As I know for a fact, my blogspot is my best friend.
Anyway, I just wanted to write a quick update.
I'm just kidding, I have to finish an essay before class today and I just came across a quote in the Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, and I just thought I'd like to share it with everyone.
"I would sometimes say to them, I wished I could be as free as the would be when they got to be mean. 'You will be free as soon as you are twenty-one, but I am a slave for life! Have not I as good a right to be free as you have?"
This makes me so sad.
Even though this history has been done and over with, it makes me so sad to think of how people were judged based on skin color. In fact how it is still going on.
I learned in Sociology today that Harvard and Yale continue to do studies on racial differences and the saddest part is that, people continue to judge through race.
It makes me sad to think people are called white, black, green, red, blue, yellow, orange. We are not people of color.
I don't know.
I just thought I'd like to get that out.

Damn This Weekend.

Can I look like this.

YOU ARE ALL NOT LIVING.

I can't decipher what the problem is.
Whether it is this heat wave. Whether it is this schedule of life.
Whatever the problem is, it's getting to me.
I've been sitting on my dining table for nearly six hours and I've gotten nothing done.
I can't seem to focus and my mind is on a slump.
I have been lulling around like life is a joke.
But you know what? Maybe it is a joke.
I'm sitting here thinking, what's the point? What is the honest point of this?
All this studying, homework, tests, writing essays on things I don't give two fucks about. What is the mother fucking point of doing things you don't find purpose in? What is the mother fucking point of doing things you don't give a shit about?
If it were all up to me, I'd say, fuck it.
Why can't we all live rather than simply get by?
How many times, how loud do I have to scream it?
I want to live. I don't want to simply get by, I want to live.
I want to live, I want to live, I want to live, I want to live, I want to live, I want to live, I want to live, I want to live, I want to live, I want to live, I want to live!
I don't want to get by anymore. I'd rather die than get by like this.
I want to live.
Out of the norm.


Somebody please just get me out of here.

Rules Were Meant to be Broken.

Just one of those days.
Damned if we do,
bored if we don't.
How loud do I have to scream it?
I want to live!
I don't want to simply survive, I want to live!








"This is our decision to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision now let's
have some fun."

Let it Be Known

That all we are, are just a bunch of backstabbing bitches.

Someone once told me that they didn't believe in friendships.

Naive, I thought that the person was sad and didn't understand the true meaning of friendship.

I rest my case,

all we are, are a bunch of backstabbing bitches.

How do I know this?

Because I am a, the, one, backstabbing bitch.

But you are, too.

Don't point fingers and point at yourself.

2AM in Cali

On repeat for the last three days.

Where did all the summer-loving go?
Officially starting college tomorrow, wait, technically today. I can't say I'm dreading it but I can't say I'll be enjoying it.
It's funny how many times in life you will be climbing up to the top, and life will place you back onto the bottom. Hello freshmen year.
Change is coming at me so fast. I can't bear myself to keep up with it.
Why is it that when we're young, all we want to be is older? Why is it that when we think it's the end of the world, it is only the beginning?
As everyone is preparing to start a new life and write a new chapter unto their lives, I'm here standing watching all this change unwind.
But I just want everyone to know, I'm ready to take on this new challenge. Whether I like it or not, I'm ready.
I'm ready to take on college, I'm ready to accept the change to come, and I'm ready for any negative feelings I'm bound to feel.
And to my friends I have spent with throughout the most wonderful summer, I will see you soon rather than later, because sooner is better. And good-bye's are not part of our vocabulary. I will see you all on Friday night and will be ready to say my see-you-soon's.
I've got my pen in hand and I'm ready to write the next chapter of my life.
College? Bring it on.

I Have Over 20 Drafts For the Month of August.

I have a lot to say. I always have a lot to say. There are so many topics I wish to talk about; my thoughts, predicaments, and wonders on life. I just don't really know how to express myself. We'll see how this goes.
The summer is coming to a close and I don't know whether I am happy or sad about it. I've been feeling quite a lot lately and I don't know if it's good or bad. Is knowing somebody too much always a good thing? Then again, whoever said it was a good thing. For all we know, it may unknowingly take a negative toll.
I wish I could understand. I'd really just like to understand.
I don't think I understand the meaning of anything anymore.
You know what? I don't really want to talk about gut feelings anymore.

What’s the most resilient parasite? An idea.A single idea from the human mind can build cities. An idea can transform the world and rewrite all the rules.

Pistanthrophobia.

Do you know what I just realized?
I have no friend to tell this to.

Supreme Team, You and I.

I've got a lot on my mind today. Half that absolutely needs to be said over blogspot.

However, I'm in quite a dilemma and unfortunately, I think I must put my thoughts on hold for another day.

Why? Because I have no music to listen to while I'm typing away. Momo has chewed on my earphones and ripped away my music time as well. Sure, I can put my ipod on my speakers but I wouldn't want to wake the family.

Just kidding, I don't care if I wake them.

But I'm picky. And I like to listen to my music on earphones. No speakers, no headphones. Earphones or nothing.

When I'm typing that is.

So until I find some time (mostly money), hold that thought!

Haunted by Phantoms.

It's the beginning of the month and how I have found myself in another meltdown amazes me. Quite frankly I have been finding myself in many "meltdowns" quite often. Has it been days, weeks, months?

Lately I've been feeling utterly disgusted with myself. I feel as if I've grown into a remorseful person. I'm in a constant battle with myself and it's almost as if I am not, who I really am. Strangely, I don't feel like myself. It's as if I'm watching myself go about through the day and shaking my head in disapproval. It's as if my inner demons have come out and I have no control over myself.

In all honesty, I'm deathly afraid.

But what scares me more is I don't seem to know what I'm afraid of.

I'm scared of the future, my sleeping schedule, my tattoos that I wish to etch out of my own flesh, my random desire to simply disappear. I'm scared because I am afraid. And I'm scared of myself.

I don't know what else to say.

I just want to get myself out of whatever the hell I'm feeling and in. I want to change as a person.

I feel hate, evil, dirty, disgust, remorse.

I want this to all end.

Times are Tough for Dreamers.

I blog way too much this month, I blame the thirty day challenge(even though I'm definitely not up to date with it) and the time I spend awake when I should be sleeping.

So it's currently 4:03AM and I am horking down a box of cookies while watching 500 Days of Summer. Except for the fact I must wait a few more minutes for it to load. I can't say I'm enjoying the movie. It's too lovey-dovey for my taste and I'm not enjoying all those kiss scenes. My innocent eyes are being tainted with these love scenes. And I think I'll stop writing about it because I'm about to puke. Let me just say, I'm only watching this cheesy, chick-flick because after watching Inception, Joseph Gordon-Levitt was extremely charismatic, I found he was the main character for this girly movie. Joy.

Well anyway, I came across something interesting and I couldn't pass it up. I found two things actually:

"There will always be

a 'lie' in believe,

an 'over' in lover,

an 'end' in friends,

and an 'if' in life."

This made me sad to no end. The one that stuck with me the most was the end in friends. This summer made me realize how much I am in love with my friends and reading it made my heart drop a trillion feet. Everyone will be separating in two months and some in weeks, and I don't think I have the heart to let this summer and it's people go. All this summer will leave me are memories and them taunting me of how powerless they are.

I think I like my friends too much. And a lot more than they like me.

This is my second "interesting" topic that I couldn't pass up.

How inspiring is this project? To see life through different perspectives and to be able to experience it just amazes me. Technology is amazing and how people are using it is inspirational. I just can't get over this project!

I don't know what it is about film that inspires me so much, but I've realized that the most inspiration anything can bring out of me are two things: music and film. And when music and film are put together, what do we get? A mind boggling, life changing experience. It sounds corny in so many levels, but whenever I come across a short with music to match, my mind completely melts into a wonderland.

Despite all the stress about college and friends moving on, I can't say I'm not excited for college. Junior college or not.

I'm completely lost. I have no idea what to do with my life and I don't even know if I'll be able to get all the classes I want.

But I'm excited, despite it all.

And I don't quite dread the idea of a community college anymore. I've decided to take a various amount of classes and broaden my views and take classes I've never thought of taking, take something interesting, take classes that will help me find not just a path, but my path.

Have you ever came across a blog where a girl, maybe a boy, is ranting on her life or attempting to write deep and analytical?

You have no idea how much I hate reading them. They sound tacky and immature.

I think I blog like these days, and it annoys me to no end.

I want to blog like I did before. But I can't seem to find myself to.
Maybe I need to get my heart broken or put myself through an unending obstacle again.

Maybe my life is too easy.

Playground shenanigans.

"Walking in the rain, pocket full of change,

about to get a bottle for the pain, to wash it all away, I'll try,

if only I could stay this high, I wouldn't be concerned whether I live or die.

Soaking in the rain, hoping for a change.

But for now I'm rolling up a J, to smoke it all away, and flyyyyy,

if I could only stay this high, I wouldn't be concerned with whether I live or die."

Let me start by saying how much I love the rain. I love, love, love the rain. And I absolutely love lightening and thunder storms. You know what would make my summer much more enjoyable?

A little summer rain here and there.

With a little bit of thunder and lightening storms every once in a while.

I love every single kind of rain. Sprinkles, drizzles, during the winter, during the summer, on a random day. The rain makes me happy and sad all at the same time and I don't know why. But I love every emotion in it. And, one day, I will definitely move myself and Momo to Seattle and enjoy every moment of the rain.

But this wasn't the real reason to why I decided to blog today. My apology for the random babble about rain for I have not slept in over twenty eight hours and my brain is half fried and half baked. And I must apologize beforehand for this post might not even be relevant but in my fried mind, makes perfect sense. So, as I sit squinting and blinking constantly with my blood shot eyes due to an unknown infection on, I will carry on. And I think I will stop blogging like this and blog about my day.

Lately, I've been stressing. Mainly about college and if I'd be able to register in time for all the credible classes. However today, felt different. I don't know what it was about today but today was stress free and what I'd like to call a summer loving, summer night. My brain half fried, half baked seemed to function a lot more hyperactive and upbeat due to my insomnia.

To keep the day short at the end of the day, Emma and the boys all agreed to go to the Grove at 9PM. With not much to shop for and a belly full of gogi; treated out by Kenny, we all decided to go play at Pan Pacific Park right across from the Grove. Trying to steal the swings from all the babies and failing, we all decided to play Hide-and-Seek.

9PM with 78degree weather, the night was perfect.

The game felt so exhilarating and I felt like a kid again. Screaming my head off from being caught, sweating like a pig trying to tag someone, finding unique hiding spots. I forgot all about my problems and all I was thinking about was not getting found.

And let me ask you, why did we always insist on wanting to be older?

It's been less than four hours and I just want to go back to the park and lay on the slide cooling off from all that running.

I already miss high school but I'm too much in love with summer to trade back.

Yeah, I guess you figured I'm not doing the thirty day challenge today. :)

And I must get too sleep because my mind has seriously sh-sh-sh-sh-uh-uh-uh-uh-utda-da-da-awn.

I just saw 4:44, fuck you, haters.

Laid in bed for around thirty minutes trying to fall asleep. Utter fail, I can't sleep while it's still dark out.
Came onto blogspot with a sudden feeling of inspiration and attempted to write a deep post on my thoughts on life and it's predicaments. Because quite frankly that was what my mind was dwelling on for the past thirty minutes.

I couldn't find myself to thoroughly express myself and the words jumbled and just ended up deleting it.

I kind of miss how I wrote my older blogs back in 2009. Brutally honest and straight from the soul.

I don't know why I can't write like that anymore.

I need some inspiration in my life.

Somebody just get me out of here!

Flipped schedule.

Treat everyone you meet with dignity and respect,

but always have a plan to kill them.

Days 5-13. I know, I suck.

Oh my, I am so bad at this. This thirty day challenge is killing me, I'm so behind!

Okay, here we go!

Day 5 - Your Dreams

Dear dreams,

All you are is a dark, vast pool of emptiness.

I hope I find you real soon because you've been missing for quite a long time.

I miss having you in my thoughts and imagining myself in different perspectives.

Please, come back.

Yours truly, Stella.

Day 6 - A stranger

Dear Stranger,

First off, you are no stranger; just a friend I haven't met yet.

So friend-to-be,

I hope you aren't having too tough of a time. I hope you can wake up in the morning being able to be thankful for something, big or small. And if things are a little too tough for you to handle, I hope you have the strength to keep going because there are people who actually do care. Me included. Even if we don't know each other at all, I still hope you can find the strength to fight through any turbulence.

Love, Stella.

Day 7 - Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Haha, these thoughts running across my head were unexpected. But here goes...

Hi.

...

I actually wrote kind of a long letter to you. Changed my mind, erased it and decided to keep it short.

I've already written too much blogs about you, I've already had enough psychotic rants about you, and quite frankly, I need my sleep!

You changed. I changed. I don't know you. You don't know me.
We're two very different people and I don't think we'll ever be able to be friends again.

I don't mind. I've learned a lot and I don't regret putting myself through that mountain.

Although we ended on a very bad note, I still hope the best for you and I trust that you have a bright future ahead of you. Just keep your priorities straight and I hope you weren't lying when you said you knew your way of life. And if we ever happen to cross paths in the future, I hope we'll be able to smile to each other and go on with no negative feelings.

Best of luck, Stella.

Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend

An internet friend as in someone I don't personally know?

Yeah, don't have one so I guess I'll write to anyone who reads my blog that I don't know about or personally know. Don't think there's any though. This is pretty private... But anyway

Dear "internet friend,"

Thank you for reading my blog. I know I complain and whine a lot but thank you for reading it. I hope you don't hate me or have any negative feelings toward me because of what I write about or say. Because this is a pretty private blog but yeah, I know. There's nothing analytical or philosophical about so thank you for reading it, if you do!

Thanks, Stella.

Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet

Omgaaaa... I don't want to sound like a freak, but...

Dear Dumbfoundead,

(Oh my god, sigh, I know, I'm sorry... T_T)

I'll TRY to keep this short and simple.

Hehe, hello, you are simply amazing.

Yes, I am an avid fangirl and I am so sorry about that. If I ever see you at your shows or around LA, I will try to compose myself and not freak out and scream in your face.

Simple as that, you are absolutely amazing.

Start freestyling for me, just don't put me down. Serenade me with tunes, write a rap for me. Rap to me about morning cereal, I don't even know.

Just begin to talk because just the way you talk makes me happy.

I like your tattoos and they make you a hundred times cooler than you already are.

You are just the most charismatic person ever. Hands down.

I don't want to keep writing this pointless letter and make me sound more of a freak than I already sound, so... You'rehotandIloveyou,let'smarry. kthnxbye.

Haha, SIKE! No way am I ending a letter like that.

I don't need to wish you luck because you've already got it.

Love, love, love, love, Stella.

Hehe.

Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to

Dear someone who I don't talk to as much as I'd like,

I couldn't think of anybody at the moment but it's most likely because I'm afraid I'll either annoy you or I don't know what to say. I guess it's kind of my fault that I don't talk to you, but I hope one day, I'll either stop being so annoying or find something to say.

Stella

(Lame letter, lame fucking topic!!!)

Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to today

Dear harabugee,

Hello, it's me, Stella!

I wish I had known you better. I don't have much to say just that I wish you would have been able to stay longer to keep halmi company and to watch me grow. I wish I had gotten to know you as much as I know halmi and I wish you would be around for me to complain to. I wish I could see you and halmi as a team. As terrible as it sounds, all I can remember is the day of your funeral. I don't even remember myself crying, just playing around with the other babies. Although I do have an old video of us swimming in a pool and I was a tiny, little baby!
If you were alive today I would have asked you questions about your past and how my mom was when she was a teenage. Haha, I wonder how different my life would have been if you were around.

And although I'm not much of a religious person, I hope you are happy up in the Heaven's.

Love, Stella.

Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Oh wow, do I honestly want to get into this?

Funny how this person isn't a boy like most usual girls would write about.

Dear _____,

I don't hate you at all. Trust me, I've forgiven just haven't forgotten. And as sad as it sounds, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget. Just know, you'll never gain my trust back and my walls will always be up around you. And also know that, you lost it a long time ago.

I'm truly sorry about our friendship. I'm sorry you'll never be able to know the real reason why I've drifted from you. But for all those memories, thanks. They will surely be cherished and I'll still look back and laugh about over our silly-ness and I hope you will be able to as well. I'd also thank you for teaching me so much about people and friendship, I've learned a lot more than I have in high school.

Please get your definition of "a friend" checked. And I don't mean it to sound mean, I really hope you find what a friend truly means because I think you've got the wrong definition in your head.

I still wish you the best of luck and know your hardworking personality will payoff in the end.

Take care, Stella

Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you

Dear Someone who can't forgive me,

I don't really give two fuck's about you not being able to forgive me.

Get the fuck over it and find something else to do with your life other than holding grudges.

Go fuck yourself, biatch!

Stella.

Whew! Thinking too much about different people all in two hours!

Day 4: Dear Sarah and Simon Park.

I've been a bit of a blogbug lately, haven't I?

Today...

Today, I don't feel like writing letters. I feel like... I don't know what I feel.
But do I honestly ever know what I feel?

Today, I don't feel anything. I don't know what I want today.

It's practically five in the morning and I don't feel anything.

I don't feel tired, sad, happy, nor do I feel awake.

Well, I guess I feel anxious. Nervous for no reason and I've got a weird feeling in my tummy and sweaty palms.

I don't know time anymore. I don't know what the days are nor do I know the date. I guess this is what you can call this summer.

Oh, don't mind me bloggers, I'm just babbling on my blog because I've got nothing else to do at five in the morning.

Might as well write those damn letters.

Day 4 - Your Sibling

Well, I have two.

Dear Baby Brother,

Suuuuuuuuuuup. (-_-v)

1. Don't ask me for rides anymore; I hate driving.

2. Don't ever wake me up when I'm taking a tiger snooze; I'm a beast when someone wakes me up.

Just kidding, you already know this and I've already lashed out my temper at you about this billions of time. But it's only because you don't ever learn. Anyway, I think our relationship is okay? I remember I used to be so mean to you but I think over time, we've gotten a lot better. Sure, we aren't close and we don't talk much, but I guess it's better than us fighting all the time.

Now on to more interesting topics:

I really hope you do a lot better in high school than I did. I really do. I hope you get into some Ivy League college and make bank off something you love doing. Because honestly, I'm probably going to need a lot of your help in the future. Haha, I'm kidding but I hope you do pursue your talents in music and especially in piano. I know I rage on you when you start to play piano in the living room; but it's only because you begin to play when I'm asleep or when I'm listening to my music. But I honestly believe you have an extraordinary talent in piano and I have faith that with your passion you can become successful in the future. You have a very dedicated personality. Unlike me, you keep your eyes set and you don't know how much I wish I had that trait in me. Your ability to stay set on one goal and follow through will take you places. Your dedication to tennis is truly inspiring and your passion for piano will get you far.

Best of luck, Stella.

Dear Sarah,

Hello. We're definitely not close.

We never seem to have any deep end talks a lot sisters usually have. Probably not with your friends, but you're a very awkward person and very introverted. Ha, yeah, I read your diary once. Okay, I've read them numerous times. And different ones too and I still do when I get the chance.

BUT, it's only because I'm trying to get inside your head. And it's actually benefits you that I'm nosy and like to snoop around when I'm cooped up at home. Because, to tell you the truth, I kind of hated you. Well, never really hated you to the point where I wanted to kill you, but I've always had this sort of dislike towards you. Don't get me wrong, everyone in the family knows I completely love you and look up to you, but it's only because you're my older sister and it's pretty much a given.

I always thought you had it all and I kind of still do.

You think I'm crazy and a bitch. I won't lie, I am crazy and a bit of a bitch.

But it's only because I'm always comparing my life to your's.

You don't know this, but I'm jealous of you. I always thought you had it so easy. And even though you're only my half sister and umma isn't your actual mom, I always think it benefits you in so many better ways.

And I'm sorry I sound like an ignorant bitch but I think you're so lucky that you have parents who are separated. I don't know if you see it but you have no idea how easy the parents are on you. You don't know how much the parents fuss over you and shower you with almost everything you need. And as greedy and selfish as it sounds I was jealous that your real mother showered you with gifts Appa couldn't, I was jealous of how nice and patient dad was with you. Because you have no idea how Appa is to me. I was jealous of how halmoni always obsesses over you and puts you first over everything. I was jealous of how Umma never yells or gives you shit for anything.

You don't even know, Sarah. You got a car for your senior year. What the hell am I driving around? You got to go to Spain this summer. With three thousand dollars to spend. Do you know how much and how long I've waited to go to Korea? Do you know what Appa told me? He told me we had no money for me to go Korea; but he sends you money and buys himself a new porche. Do you get it?

Yeah, I sound like an ignorant bitch, I know. But I'm middle child and in a strange way, I'm also sort of like the first born.

I honestly thought your life was so easy. I mean, the way I saw it, I saw you showered with everything you wanted and needed with barely any problems. But as I read your diary(hehe), I found out that you had problems. And I mean a lot of problems.

I'm not that jealous anymore but I just think you should just try to understand my perspective.

I don't think I need to wish you luck with anything because I'm pretty sure I need the luck a lot more than you do and you're already on your road to success.

Always, Stella.

Wow. Aha, I'm glad I wrote those letters actually.

And even though my siblings will never read them nor will I ever show them; I'm glad I got that off my shoulders.

I'm spilling my whole life onto blogspot because of this damn 30 day challenge. Typing away for hours and freeing my babbling mind.

Yep, welcome to my life, blogspot.

I want the fast life.

Someone buy me a one way ticket to Korea.

I want to be on the twelve hour airplane ride with my travel bag.

I want to take Momo with me in her cat carrier.

Someone take me away and don't ever bring me back.

Day 2 and 3, I procrastinate.

Day 2 - Your Crush

Dear Vampire,

I don't really like calling you a crush because the word is immature and tacky, but since Emma and Jane both agree that you are in fact a crush, might as well.

You're hot and I'm sad I'll probably never see you ever again. But class with you was great and I think you're probably the hottest white guy I'll ever meet. Hope you become successful in whatever you do and if I see you in our high school reunion, I hope to see you rich and in a suit. Because, you sure as hell match it.

Much love, Stella

Day 3 - Your Parents

Dear Mom's and Pop's,

There are days I wish we'd get along better. I watch movies where kids have such good relationships with their parents and you don't know how jealous I get. You can't even imagine how I'd like to somehow be called "Daddy's little girl," or have little shopping dates with mom. But if I think, I know that'll never be possible.

Dear Momma,

Honestly, I think you're too weak for my taste. Haha, I'm not good with emotions and face to face talks and I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you've always dreamed of. I'm not a princess and I don't like talking about gut feelings and expressing myself in person. I know you want me to come to you with my problems and go to nail salons and all that, but I'm sorry, that's just not me. There are a lot of things I want to apologize to you for. Things that are mostly my fault but also for things that I can't do anything for. First and for most, I'm sorry for not being a good daughter. I know I'm mean and close myself in my room a lot and when I've got something to say all I do is yell my way into anything. I know you want to shower me with everything I want, and I also know you can't. And I'm sorry for never truly understanding. I'm sorry that all you do is try to make the family happy but it never really works out.

I don't know, but just know that I do know you try to side with me on everything. I just don't know how to accept it or appreciate it I guess.

Dear Pop's,

You and me are way to similar for me to like you.

Most days, if not all, I hate you.

Yeah there are days I wish we had a good relationship. There are days I tell myself that I'd be nice and try to make our relationship better, but it never happens and it probably never will. I remember back in the days I used to love you. You and me had the relationship you would call "Daddy's little girl," but I have no idea what happened.

I guess our similar personalities clash way too much.

Let me just let you know in advance, I've got way too much pride to try to fix our relationship first. And honestly, I don't think our relationship will ever get better and if anything, it'll probably get worse.

Sometimes Dad, I feel sorry for you. I really do. I feel sorry that you've never had a father to show you what a father is supposed to be.

And I guess I'm sorry I don't like to follow rules and listen to people.

I don't really know what to say to you. I don't think I have anything to apologize for in sincerity and I don't think I need to.

I guess, I think you should know that I'm too much like you to listen to anyone.

And if you keep pushing my limits, I don't think you know how fucked up and crazy my mind is.

Because if you do keep messing with my temper, I think I'll just end up killing you.

Stella.