Hi, I am an owl.

Yeeeah, it's 6:50 AM and I can't sleep. Usually I end up falling asleep while listening to my iPod at around 5am, but today I had to write my optional essay. But I'm an ADD so I couldn't focus so it's all crap and random chatter about who I am, when I don't even know who I am and finished about thirty minutes ago. Actually, I didn't even finish and hoping my good friend Michel will be able to think of some brilliant ideas. Then I laid on my bed for a few minutes and my mind told me I wasn't sleepy. And at the moment my mind is all wired from too much brainstorming and thinking of like a hundred different things at the same time. I am supposed to wake up in about an hour to go do my bizznass but since I can't seem to fall asleep I have just opted to stay awake.
So, little tidbits of my life as of now.
1. I just stubbed my freaking toe on the marble fireplace shit and it hurts like a mother.
2. I couldn't find Momo until I just found out it slept in my mom's closest. Twas a lonely night without my love. I am indeed a cranky cat lady.
3. My new dog pisses the hell out of me. I bet it's because my freaking mom decided to name him Marley. Like the movie, he's annoying and a rascal and eats Momo's cat food. And unfortunately, not as loyal. I hate it and I should have just kept calling it Halbee.
... Except I like how it gets happy when it sees me.
4. And I like how cats and dogs are so different, like how cats are a lot more independent than dogs and don't need as much lovin'
5. I'm pissed off at my essay because it's not as good as I hoped, but every time I try to fix it my mind just won't let. Die, ADD.
6. Winter break could be better. SHOULD be better. I'm a failure at life. Winter break is almost over and I haven't accomplished anything. Time is going by too fast.
7. Speaking of time, it's going by way too freaking fast. I had no idea 2010 was just two days away. Where the heck did all the time go? 2009 was the gayest year of my life and 2010 better be the best year of my life. Except to make that happen I have to start the year off on a good note and accomplish my 2009 New Year Resolution. Oh, eff my life. Will be back to talk about 2009 and 2010 in a more sentimental note layturrrrr.
8. I noticed I'm always wanting to turn back time, always missing something. Like how I'm missing summer when I just wanted to die during the summer. I miss running to Econ every morning because I was late, I miss falling asleep in Gov and getting a mofucking 89.9% at the end cus the teacher's a fucker and hated me cus I talked to much, and I miss going to Hillside and actually having fun with Chemistry, I miss coming home at like eight and having to outline a whole chapter of Econ listening to the. most. beautiful. voices. ever. I miss crying like every fucking night because I wanted 2010 summer to come and everything was how it should be. I miss after summer school ended when I used to be so determined and everything seemed so unfair when everything is so much worse off now. How during around January to early July, I missed 2008's winter break. What a waste of my time, I think too much it should have been nothing! And how I'm always missing my wonderful sophomore year when I just wanted to fast forward time to senior year, when senior year sucks balls. I miss old friends, my fob days, recording ourselves dancing to Tell Me, eating pho every Friday night, taking the bus every we go, playing with F4 (waaay before Ggotnam came out, sucka.), and all that fobby, cute stuff we did. Funny how I miss all the times when I just wanted to die at the time. It's weird how we always end up missing the memories that brought us a lot more grief that needed. Oh, how I wish I had a time turner. :(
9. Today... or yesterday, I guess. I realized how much I wanted to do something. If my life were a dream everything would be almost perfect. Almost, becomes perfect is just disgusting. You need a right amount of flaws and mistakes that make something perfect. But anyway, if my life were my way, everything would be perfect in a non-perfect way. Too bad it's only my dream and it'd never happen. But yeah, today I realized how much I wanted to do something. Oh, how I wish I had my way. Ha, why am I talking about this?
10. Like the beginning of the year, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yet at the same time, out of sight, out of mind. Beginning of the year, I wanted to die except now, when I think about it I want to die because I wasted my thoughts on something so stupid. But if you think about it, this situation is a lot more stupider than before. A lot more stupid. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. How huge the absence had impacted the heart. And how much fonder the heart has become. So fond that it makes a person crazy. You make empty promises to yourself. You promise that you'll lose sight, to lose mind. Your heart is too fond. Yet, out of sight, out of mind takes it's place. With little bits of "sights," shaken, but all in all, out of sight, out of mind. Good, this is is what you wanted, no? Yes, but no. Empty and now wishing you can, yet again, turn back time. Indecisive, always. Typical, you. Fuck you.
11. Marley just ate Momo's left over food that she saved and Momo is pissed. Cute.
12. I have OCD, I have to finish on an multiplicative number. Or whatever the word is.
13. I ate like half a box of Blue Jay tangerines. I like Cutie's, though.
14. I'm stupid. I hate myself.
15. I'm an idiot for not sleeping. Today is going to be hell.

7:58 AM, gotta gotta gotta gotta go in like 10 minutes. Will be back, loves.

Yoorin Eats World.

"Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart.
But the very next day, you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears,
I'll give it to someone special."

Or none at all.

Merry Christmas!
Now that I am finished worrying about how to get enough money for people's birthday presents, I feel a lot more relieved! Except for the fact that I gave my brother an IOU card and haven't gotten one other gift yet. But I've got the cash to manage.
Now that everyone is out of the way, I think I will save up for my wonderful DSLR camera! Maybe get a job in February... Save ten dollars every week... Don't use my New Year's money on useless things...
Much, much, much to do in so little time! Now is not the time to lag! Let's gogogo!!

All the while,

I don't care.

Whatever happens, happens.
I, alone, won't be able to change anything, anyway.
Let's forget it. Let's just forget anything happened, because soon, everything will go back to normal.
Don't think about it, don't imagine it, don't talk about it.
Maybe, one day, something better will happen, maybe it will happen, maybe after a while...
I just won't care.
잊자.

Bomb.

Until you learn to get over it, you're stuck.
Get over it and learn to grow the fuck up.
Your whining, complaining, crying, and bullshit needs to stop.
Cus I'm fucking fed up and I don't want to deal with you anymore.
Everything about you pisses me off.
Get the hell out of my face, you're stupid.
You're destructive and you're impossible.
Learn to grow up, no, fucking learn to wake up from your bullshit dreams.
Learn to do something with your life and do shit that isn't so useless.
I hate having to deal with you every.single.fucking.day. of my life. I'm sick of you're impossible personality. I hate having to look at you every.fucking.day. I'm sick of that same fucking expression you give me every time I see you. I hate hearing you cry about the same fucking thing every time.
Just give up and let's end it here.
It's over and done.
We're finished.

Let's see here...

Last year, December 19, 2009 at 12:40AM I posted a blog.
Today is December 19, 2009 and approximately 1:28AM.
Similar times, yet different. SO VERY DIFFERENT.
Good and bad all the same. And I thought today deserved a post, because it's winter break!
In many ways I miss last year's winter break a lot. But that's okay because I have a lot better things to think about and do this winter break. To add, it's my last and final year in high school! F.I.N.A.L.L.Y.
I'm a hater this year. Like get out of my face.

I want a camera really bad, one or two, maybe more.
I want a Fujifilm Instax Mini 7. I want an antique looking film camera. I want a DSLR camera, still deciding whether it be a Canon or Nikon. Maybe if I go to Best Buy and touch all the different SLR's, like in Harry Potter, the wand would choose me! Except it'd be a camera. And last but not least, I want a video recorder, just because I think I'll need it for the summer. Maybe I'll throw in a voice recording cassette just to record myself when I find myself talking to myself or when I'm too lazy to pick up a pen or turn on my laptop.
I'm all into pictures these days and what sort of meaning they can convey. I stare at each picture that create some sort of interest in me for five minutes and my imaginations run wild. Beauty.



I don't know why, but I miss summer a lot. August, to be more specific. I miss it all. I don't even think I did anything too adventurous. I miss Jane's wake up calls at way too early in the morning. I miss being grumpy to everything in my way because I was up too early. I miss walking into chlorine smelling gym every morning dreading my summer turnout. I miss listening to my IPOD, listening to the most beautiful voices I've ever heard, staring straight ahead dreaming of what's to come. I miss coming home to a sleepy Momo greeting me and taking a shower depending on my schedule. (Yes, I'm gross.) I miss eating baby carrots. I miss having to take nine extra hours of driving practice because I suck. I miss watching TV falling asleep on the couch, with carrots half-way chewed, and still nasty from the gym on days I had nothing to do. I miss doing God knows what I did after the gym, I seriously don't remember at all. I miss talking about 2010 summer plans with my lovers. I miss talking about orange shirts, bean poles, dropped earrings, snappy attitudes! I miss crying on some nights because I was impatient. I miss eating dinner with my lovers. I miss calling my Baby Mama on random days because I was bored and talking to her about random stuff.
What a reminiscent paragraph.
I wish I could still cry over what I was crying about.
I hate change. But I hate my change of heart even more.

I wish life had background music.

I think I like to make myself miserable. Like I purposely do things to make myself miserable. Maybe, I kind of like it. I don't know.
I don't know what I want anymore.
The spark is dying out. Please, don't.
Stay.
If this happens, then I really will be left in the dark.
I'm in a constant nervous wreck, I'm selfish.
Two is asking for too much. Still.
One is enough, I'm greedy.
Can you see me begging?
I've got nothing but my pride, I've lost it. You don't see?
I'm put in front of two paths, in a controversy once again.
Yet this seems, a billion times more important, impossible, and stupid.
So badly, I want them to emerge to one.
How, when,
Both roads right in front of me, a wall,
Blocks me from entering.
Not one, both.
To break down those walls, a miracle.
Please, don't go.

I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say.

Robert Frost has taken just one road, he did not ask for both.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

SAT Vocab & forever farewell!

I am taking my SAT's for the last and final time tomorrow. It's ironic how I'm pretty nervous but I'm not really making an effort to study just a little bit more. Actually, scratch that, I'm very very very nervous. This test determines my application to my college of choice. So, to mollify my indignant nervous feelings towards the test, I am blogging. And next week, I am taking the ACT's for the first and final time. Pretty ambivalent about the turn out of the test scores, for both actually. I always end up falling asleep during the test and filling in erroneous answers at the last minute. My already languid mind turns slower than usual and I end up bubbling in remissive answers. Bad habit, bad scores, bad mood, bad future.
Ahh, need to stop worrying!
I noticed I have been acting very churlish this week and acting pretty cantankerous towards a lot of people. Just been very tired lately, either not getting enough sleep or getting a little too much. I've really got to stop taking naps! I end up sleeping for the whole day and end up finishing up homework right before the class. Needless to say, I didn't go to fifth period when I had a test!
All the while, Emma and I have made an affidavit with each other to change our lifestyle for the better! I'm kind of excited for it, and hope to follow through. Go go go!!
I noticed I'm very implacable. If someone were to tell be to be quiet, I'd continue on talking. I'm impetuous, mercurial, loud, and my attention span is worse than Momo's. But you know what kind of person I want to be? I want to be phlegmatic and speak in laconic replies. But somehow an amalgam with a benevolent, kind person devoted to altruism. I want to be amiable and affable to everyone.
Writing my Personal Statements, yes, I'm still not done... is one of the hardest tasks I've ever had to do. I want to write an emphatic essay to the omnipotent people at my college of choice and leave some sort of mark. A lot of people told me to exaggerate and tell lies to make me look better, but you see, I want to get into the college without having to write a disingenuous essay. I want the college to honestly accept me because... because they think I will have some sort of potential.

The bold words are part of my vocabulary list. I'm not even sure if I used them correctly. I'm not even sure if it helped. This was a useless post but I thought I needed a place to ease my worry, but I think I just made it worse using crazy vocabulary words. Sigh.
How I hate vocabulary, long tests, tests in general, the SAT's, waking up early, and useless blogs. Will be back tomorrow, or soon to blog about more important topics!
Dear SAT's,
Please give me an easy essay topic! And add in a lot of easy vocabulary words and top it off with easy math questions! Be good to me, for this is my last and final test! I bid you farewell, SAT's! And hope to see a shocking improvement in my scores! Give me good scores and let us end on a positive note! Farewell!

---Interviewing myself after the test;
So Stella, how do you think you did?
Essay was crap, had to pee like 10000x, omitted like 8 questions on each section, got tired after the first half and didn't do much, got hungry, couldn't focus, got sleepy, doodled all over my packet, wrote random Korean words, wrote lyrics stuck in my head. Yep, sums up my whole SAT test.
Well, do you think you did better than before?
Maybe, I'd like to think so. But probably not, whenever I think I did alright, I do worse. Go figure.
Will you still apply to college?
Shut up.