Fiend Queen

I'm leaving for San Francisco today!
Too bad I wish I had spent my money on a bag of coke than fucking transportation payments.
At least I'm supplied with 8 grams of weed for three days.
Hopefully I don't become so self-absorbed in my self-loathing spells of insane highs, and end up jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.

Girl can dream.

diary of an ugly vain girl

I really don't like people - i guess i'm stuck with cats for the long run.
the holidays are coming up
and every year i just feel all the more dead.
and i can feel the deterioration of my soul rotting all the more grotesquely as each year goes by.
the day i enter the damned inferno looms closer than ever, i suppose.

sometimes i feel like i'm not taken seriously enough.
and people can just shit on me all they want because my feelings don't matter and i'm not someone with valid enough thoughts or ideas.
i don't really get it, to be honest.
but i've given up fighting for myself long time ago

then again,
i've also come into the realization that i have huge self-destructive tendencies
and i manage to sabotage every. single. one of my relationships.
i'm an utterly sickening person to be around. i honestly get that.
but like
why am i always pouring out all these feelings and emotions and thoughts unto people who won't even give me the time of day?
i get that i am a dripping drag to be around all the time, but i try
and i always end up getting fucked over because of that.
whether it be me losing face, losing emotions, losing something of fucking monetary value.
like what the fuck do i get in the end? nothing.
and i turn into this great empty mess. just completely barren and broken.

i shouldn't let people matter to me this much
people are toxic.

i stopped giving fucks about propriety

was plagued by an existential crisis earlier today.
but forgot what the fuck i was thinking about five seconds onward cus i was too high.
is it the weather?
it's november. when time seems to slow down and speed up all at the same time, and there's this dark perpetual replay of disguised memories and emotions, and a sort of impending realization of something.
christmas is corporate.
 bye!!!

i will eat your babies, bitch.

sooo... going off with the gun thing... i really wish i had one. 

as i was walking to class the other day i came across a bunch of weirdos i wish i could've shot- they were being way too fucking loud for me. like if someone were to ever mess with me all i need to do is pull the gun out and be like "how the FUCK ya like me now, bitch???!" and all would work out.

Like I was watching it's always sunny and there's this one episode on season nine where sweet dee's fantasy is played out and she gets her hands on a gun, turns to the gang, and goes "I'll see you all in hell, boners" and shoots them all in the fucking head!!! 

god. 

imagine all that power. 

Momo

Oh no no no no no no no.
I have made a huge mistake.
My cat, Momo, is currently at the veterinary office and scheduled for a declawing operation. And I hadn't realized how horrible and painful of a procedure that was and I think this is one of the worst decisions I have ever made in my life.
I am the worst cat owner in all of history.

I am so, so sorry and I love you so much. And I don't mean to be a sap but I'm just so sad that I let that happen.

Aren't you a little too old for this?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and fucking blah.
I've come to the realization that I talk too fucking much and I have much too much to say about everything. I know, how did it take me so long to realize this? How incredibly foolish and vain of me. I've been too fucking busy thinking about all the shit my mouth runs about that I hadn't realized how completely and utterly stupid I sound.

I suppose I'll be taking a "hiatus" and I'd like to say I'm off on some new project trying to get my fucking life together, but let's be real. 

Fuck you all, bye.

I think I'm the fucking shit

God, if only I could get my hands on a gun. The whole world would be in the palm of my fucking hands for about an hour and just how much pleasure I would find in that. And then I would be able to blow my fucking brains out. Happy ending for all. 

& This is the only test I would probably easily pass. 

Mötley Crüe - Girls, Girls, Girls

La Dispute - Andria

Guess what drug I got into again?

Juuuuuuust kidding. Came up on bars, though. 

My random panic attacks have been better though. Big whoop.

But THC will always be in my heart.

(Finally actual pictures of my life have resurfaced)

"I wanted the whole world or nothing."

-Charles Bukowski 

You have been on my mind quite a bit lately.

I talk too fucking much and I think it's a problem. If only there were some sort of drug to shut me the fuck up. No one wants to hear about my goddamn sob story and neither do I. 

I'm learning to tune myself out and maybe everybody else should too; if they already fucking haven't. 

You have a serious problem of distorting reality. You could sleep with the entire planet and still feel rejected.

-The Science of Sleep

"There is a certain clinical satisfaction in seeing just how bad things can get."

-Sylvia Plath

I don't know, Sylvia. How can you know so much more about my life than I do? You just may be my spirit animal.

"Blessed are the forgetful:

For they get the better even of their blunders." 

-Friedrich Nietzcsche

The quote goes, "How happy is the blameless vestel's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each prayer accepted, and each resigned." And here I am taking a bar by myself just to make myself feel better. And to forget, to forget, to forget. 

Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you for doing that to me. You are a repulsive human being and I will never understand how you were in the right fucking mind to do that to me. I don't care what you say. I don't care how fucked up we were. 

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. 

I can't seem to leave my house anymore because I don't want anyone to stare at my face. Maybe I should go anorexic. It's always been a life-long dream. After tomorrow's dinner. 

Rubbing alcohol makes things puff up. It's rad as fuck.

Twenty-one years of life and this is all I really have to say:

P.S. I promise to quit blogging about my bullshit life. I should start blogging about important things. If that even fucking matter.

I don't give fucks anymore

I will never really understand the concept of birthdays.
Why would I want to celebrate the day of my birth... I've been asking to crawl back into my mother's womb for the past twenty years and I don't see how a cake and balloons make up for the all the dumb shit life puts us through. It's such a mystery to me.
Fuck, though.
Twenty one and I still don't know who the fuck I am or what I'm even doing with my life.
Which brings me to my next order of thought- how are some of you so in sync with life? I don't understand how so many people are so sure of their goals and I'm sitting here wondering what the fuck I'm going to have for breakfast later today.
It's 5:32 AM. I guess I mean a late, late, late breakfast- when I wake up later.

Nonetheless, I've cut quite an important figure out of my life recently. And it's been over a month since I've heard any news of him. I'm not going to lie, I constantly meddled with the thought of rekindling our friendship. I mean, four years of prominent memories. I know this person so well that I can read the thoughts on his mind. How could I not question this decision? But I thought about it and realized I really didn't need his company anymore. Those memories can paint me perfect pictures, but it does me nothing.
There's a reason as to why I decided that I didn't need this person in my life anymore.
Often times, when looking in retrospect, we tend to only see what we want to see. We never remember the darker parts of our past and forget the reason why certain things don't seem to work out.
In short- stop romanticizing the past.
And that's what I'm working on right now.

People continue to play an interesting role in my life. As much as I fucking hate them- I need them more than anything else.
You people exhaust me. That's all I have to say about you all.

The Police - Roxanne

                                    Message in a Bottle

I found Seattle stuck in my heart, again.
And my brother tells me that marijuana is legalized over there.
You can find me there in a few years.
Green, I'm coming for ya.

I certainly hope you mean weed. But a cup of tea along with a bowl will do me just fine. I've been quite into drinking tea lately. Iced, because I was never a fan of hot drinks. 

And I never will not want to get high. It's beginning to scare me.

I have literally been smoking multiple grams at a time and my cash flow can't seem to be keep up. My no source of income continues to mess up my high life. 

Money is the mother fucking anthem.

*My perspective is perpetually changing and I will never keep up with my mind. Don't take anything I ever say too seriously because tomorrow, I might start believing the past is the home of my heart. 

I am a contradiction and, most times, a fucking phony. And you can't hold me accountable for it. As soon as I publish this blog post, realize that this version of Cat is dead and I am a completely different person from what you've just read about my thoughts. 

Fuck what you think and your opinion of me because it doesn't matter. I am no longer relevant. 

Oh my god

What the fuck is my head going off about?
Please, shut the fuck up.

Misery Loves Me

An inch towards progression. And a round of an applause to me!
Thank you, thank you very much.

*And I'm really not. I need to stop acting like I'm some bad punk ass bitch.

And I don't know when my blog turned into a personal tumblr.
Well. It turned into it today.

Who is this beautiful boy?!

And I'm pretty sure this is Cillian Murphy. Whom I've always been a fan of. He looks kind of... dark and mysterious, doesn't he? Just staring at this picture makes me melt a bit. He's just so alluring.

Nirvana - Lithium



And a special picture for those who can tolerate me. Cakes for all!
I'm just kidding. I don't really give a fuck if you can or can't. And you don't ever get cake.

I don't need any of ya'll.