One Year Later.

It's finally summer. Summer school is done and over with and I'm finally free. I very well could have passed summer school with A's, unfortunately for me, though, I found myself obsessed with a certain something I very well shouldn't be obsessed with. But I don't think today's the right day to blog about it. .............081809.

La Vie Est Belle,
La Vita Dolce,
La Vita Loca,

Freedom.

Summer has finally arrived and I can't say I'll be enjoying it like I've hoped. I've got this one goal that I'm determined to achieve.
But, I'm not too bummed out about it. Because I know this goal will pay off for next year's summer and I know next year's summer is going to be crazy.

The summer night's will carry three girlfriends away.
Three months unknown in a sleepless city, watching 500 different movies locked up in a condo, late night outings, biking at 2 o'clock in the morning, sightseeing, glamor, gorgeous, sunglasses, shorts, naked toes, dresses, designer's, sparklers, beaches, trillions of photographs, wasting money, opportunities, freedom, living.

The Pursuit of Happiness.

"Don't ever let somebody tell you, You can't do something. You've got a dream, you've gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it. Period."

People are always telling me to pursue my passions, my dreams, my goals. People are always encouraging me to always follow my dreams and to never lose sight of what I believe in. There's people who always tell me to live my life the way I want to live. There are others who tell me to always have the courage to step up and work for my dream, to never let anyone tell me I can't do it.
But, you know, reality sucks.
I'm a senior now, and before I even know it, I'll be entering college. This week, I've been thinking about how my life is flying by me and I'm still not mature enough to accept that some things in life are just... not possible.
Time is flying by me so fast and I'm panicking. Some people think I'm rushing into things and I don't know need to worry about my major and future just yet. But just the thought of looking at my dark, blank future is terrifying.
I used to have such ambitious dreams. They'd help me throughout the day and encourage me to pull through. Dreams that would bring me hope and make me smile with having such a bright future.
Dreams that make others laugh. Dreams that are just not made for "me."
Ambitious, impossible dreams.
Am I supposed to continue to persevere and blindly live my life believing that I've got a chance? Or am I supposed to wake up from my dreams and face reality?
What would bring more happiness? Continuing to live all my life pursuing something so unreachable? Or giving up my one dream and living a life that brings no interest in me whatsoever?
Should I stick to my one dream and wish or open up to a different possibility?

+081809

I have so much on mind right now and I've got so much stuff I want to type onto this blog.
But, I can't seem to get it straight and I don't know where or how to start.
How... Where should I begin?
I don't know whether to be happy or sad.
I don't know whether or not whatever I'm getting myself into, gotten myself into, is a good thing or a bad thing.

You see, I've got this problem...

Happy Virus

I am sososoooooo relieved!!
It's done, it's finally over. And by being over, I think I'm finally over it. I'm finished with looking back six/seven months ago and the countless nights I'd stay up and regret. I'm finally over that mountain I've been struggling to get over. And you know what? I don't regret ever putting myself through the climb, I'm almost glad I put myself through all that trouble. I learned so much about myself and people. And I'm still learning how to fully move on and get over it, but I think I've already learned. Yes, it took me six to seven months, but I've learned so much more than I would've if it ended sooner. You know what the best part is?
I can finally breathe again.
For the past months, I felt so trapped. I was drowning myself in regret and good memories that I twisted into bad ones. I lay awake on my bed for hours wishing for time to rewind. I'm so glad I'm over it all. I'm glad I was able to overcome the mountain and I promise, I will never ever put myself through anything like it again.
You know what emotion that I was able to feel again?
That sick happy feeling. The happy feeling that makes your heart jump and giggle by yourself at 7am. The happy feeling that makes your hands sweat (well, mine) and you can't help but keep smiling. The feeling where your heart just can't stop jumping. The happy feeling that makes you jittery and want to squeal with happiness. The happy feeling where you can't sit still and you just have to spazz about it to someone or something, and in my case, Momo. The happy feeling where you can't sleep and you stay up until 8am singing that one certain song. The happy feeling where you peacefully fall asleep after a whole night of a rush of happiness. And the happy feeling that even follows you to your dreams, and your dream ends up with a happy fairytale that makes people sick.
Yeah, I'm so relieved and happy it's even making me sick. I'll explain this weekend or something.

Fast forward

Makes me want to cry.
It's already the month of July and I'm still reminiscent and stuck up seven months ago. I'm absolutely dreading my birthday and I'm almost hoping I'd be able to fast forward my birthday. Summer's not much of a summer, excluding the disgusting heat. I'm practically a loner in summer school, and going deeper, I think I'm a loner in general. No friends that I'd ever be able to depend on. I've yet to recap my junior year and I'm hoping to get that out of my schedule soon. Just greeting the month of July and hoping it'd fly by me just like the rest of the six months I've grown used to.
Someone, either give me the opportunity to relive my past and fix my mistakes or let me fast forward my life one year later.
I'm so immature when it comes to expressing my feelings and emotions. I don't think I express them correctly. I hold them in for too long and after my time is up, I blow up so destructive, I begin to freak out thinking I'm crazy. Come to think of it, I'd much rather be stuck in one of those white rooms for crazy people.
I still need to figure out who I am, and I'm hoping I'd find myself soon. I want to find my place in life, and yet, I feel I was never meant to find a place to settle. I don't think I was meant to be brought unto this world, possibly a mistake from the Heaven's above. Throughout the school year, I found myself on the floor so much more than I've ever expected possible. But thinking about it, I think I was always on the floor. Time definitely does not heal everything.