Pretty Things

This is completely and utterly irrelevant to my life:
First things first, once you begin to over think; Game over.
Everything is mind over matter, if you mind then it matters; You lose.
The beauty in this is not what you feel, it's what you do.
The whole point in this is to see not who wins, but who loses.
There is no such thing as a tie, you win or lose, you chose these rules.

Anyway, back to my life:
I'm really keen on this certain chase but I'm not really too sure. I know I'm really nit-picky with these kind of things so I'm sure nothing really will come out from this but it was just a thought. I realized I'm a really skeptical and timid person when it comes to these kind of things and almost always, from the beginning, I am at a lower end. Just that in the end of it all, there's not really any point.
But as of right now, this is what I want. I just don't really know where to start.
How can I be so jaded? How can everything in this world be so jaded?

I want to go back in time. Time scares me so much. It is already April and I have yet felt accomplished. I remember when I was younger, quite possibly even last year, I used to have such dreams. Vivid, impossible, and courageous dreams. Dreams that can take my mind anywhere and wherever it wanted to go; whatever I saw fit, it was possible. And I look back unto those dreams, those pure and innocent, almost childlike dreams, I don't really know what to feel. It's like the society is so keen on teaching kids that anything is possible, but they never really do teach you the realities of the society. I look at these dreams somewhat angered over reality and how cruel it can be. How I want to leave everything behind and leave for somewhere far, far away from here. How naive and foolish is it to believe that I have the ability to find something whilst leaving everything here? Like the movies?

I watched my cousin leave for Korea once again, leaving everything behind. Her future, her schoolwork, her priorities. Why? Because she's depressed. I am not at all bitter by this, I envy this. Because isn't everybody?

I don't have guts though. I value my future too much. Which makes me laugh a disgusting and bitter laugh because my future means nothing to me. I hold dreams of useless wonder and impossible thoughts trapped in my mind.

People are always telling you everything is possible. People are always telling you hard work will pay off in the future while others tell you to live in the moments. You see, the problem with this is there is no such thing as being part of the two. You either live for tomorrow or today. I could live for today, worrying for my tomorrow or live for tomorrow, crying today. Then there's the case of living your day as if it's your last, which means you live for today not giving a care for tomorrow. But what happens if it isn't your last day? Your tomorrow, you cry. What if you decide not to live like it's your last, and strive for the better tomorrow? Then you waste your today, crying and find your day really was the last. How is there a possible balance between this?

I don't know where I stand. These steaming tears can't do shit for me yet I still cry for an impossible answer. I'm scared for my future and my present.

Update

I have this unexplainable fear of endings. Whether it be goodbye's, departures, or a simple ending to a book. I also don't really enjoy watching movies. Wait no, scratch that, I love watching movies; but what I mean to say is, I have this uncanny love for movie trailers. I always seem to enjoy movie trailers a lot more than I do the actual movies, and it quite almost breaks my heart whenever I finish watching the movie. Whereas if I had watched the movie trailer and kept it at that, the ending is open for my alternate ending.
I'm just having a horrible time letting go of this book and movie; Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. It took me quite a while to finish the novel and let alone get myself to watch the movie. I felt that if I had watched the movie then it would be mean I was forever and done with the story line. I wouldn't be able anticipate anymore because there would be nothing more to look forward to. All the while, I cried like a baby in both the novel and the movie and the ending both killed me and enlightened me. Yup, no sappy, unrealistic happy endings here.

Anyway, I've nocturnally an insomniac and I've got this idea... Hm...

Also, I'm looking for a few changes in my life. I just don't really know where to start...

Whatever, let's see where this idea takes me and how long it takes me start these changes...