I'm just like fuck it

Seven in the morning on this fine Easter Sunday and I'm here, reading all of my posts back in 2011. And just how much I regret not having the guts to off myself.
You know, I actually thought my life was getting better- more stable and certainly not meddling with the thoughts of the after-life. And just how much I wish I still was.
It's been two years and I'm still stuck in a puddle of emptiness. Just a different time and an altered state of mind. Two years and everything remains the same inside. Deep inside, it's still there. I don't think it ever goes away. But it's different now- I've lost the gutsy romanticism in dying.
Two years and it wasn't worth it. Meeting you, losing you, feeling you, understanding you, reading you, experimenting you. It meant nothing and it continues to mean nothing.
I should have done it when I had the guts.
One of the biggest regrets of my life is probably not fucking ripping myself when I had the chance.
Because this is really not fucking worth it.

Let Go

"Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say 'so what'. That's one of my favorite things to say."

Andy Warhol

"I found that every single successful person I’ve ever spoken to had a turning point and the turning point was where they made a clear, specific, unequivocal decision that they were not going to live like this anymore. Some people make that decision at 15 and some people make it at 50 and most never make it at all."

Brian Tracy

I had a rough night sometime last week. I was awake for hours thinking of everything that had gone wrong in my life. I couldn't keep count. Laying on my bed with such a heavy heart; My heart felt dark and broken. And my mind really couldn't stop- it was on a roll. Rolling on and on about all the mistakes that I have made, the words I should have said, and the what-if's my mind had painted pictures of. It was hopeless, really. I cried and cried asking for someone out there to turn back time- to allow me one more chance to make everything better again.
And just how many times have I asked empty air this question? I can't even count how many times that I've asked thin air to turn back time; just this once, oh please, turn back the clocks just this once for me.
Three hours into this little meltdown of mine, I was utterly fucking sick of myself. Just how pathetic it is of me to always be crying about the wrong turns in my life and all the shit I once should have said.
But, you know what?
Time won't turn back for me- it won't turn back for anybody.
And I really need to learn and accept this.
Because life is not as romantic as I would love it to be.
And I'm just learning this now.
I used to believe that I was always at rock bottom and I think I subconsciously wished, hoped, and thought that somebody out there would come and save me. From me.
Isn't it ridiculous? I've romanticized my problems into believing that someone will come in their knight and shining armor only to rescue me from my own sanity. It's ironic just how much hope I had into believing somebody would find something in me when I look and carry myself in such utter disgust.
I shouldn't be waiting around for somebody to come and save me. I should be saving myself and becoming the best possible "me" I can ever be. I admit that I've made mistakes. And I've made many regretful decisions, but what good does it do for me if all I do is cry for weeks about it?
Twenty years and moping around hasn't gotten me anywhere.
So, this is it.
I'm done waiting around for someone or something that will never come. I'm done with allowing people to walk all over me. I'm done with dealing with people I'm tired of. And, most of all, I'm done with my constant crying and self-destructive habits.
I need to learn to grab life by the horns and let it know who's boss.
And I'm not saying it's going to be easy. Because I woke up this morning wanting to cry over the asymmetrical way our minds think- like how it didn't matter how much I thought of you because you wouldn't reciprocate mine.
It's not going to be easy because I can't get the thought of you out of my head, but I won't let it drown me like it once did. It's not going to be easy because I've built relationships out of habitual moments, but I don't need many people around me.
Just me.
Because this is about me.
I am the protagonist of my own story. I'm the main character in this life and I won't believe otherwise.

"It's your life. If you don't make it so that you get what you want, nobody else will."

The Popularity Rules, Abby Mcdonald

you are allowed to terminate toxic relationships

you are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you

you are allowed to be angry and selfish and unforgiving

you don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself

Today, I fell in love.
I fell in love with someone I'd normally never fall in love with- a person wearing hipster TOMS, hair sleeked sideways, skinny jeans, and a badass vocabulary.
I didn't know why, but I took one look and told myself that this was important.
My mind digressed and decided to stick to the general theme of "love". I sure as hell didn't enjoy it. Because I could only think of one person and I didn't know what the fuck it meant. But it sure as hell fucking hurt. Whether it be reality or fantasy, I had made out the person everything it needed to be. It was the epitome of my life and it was the best-worst thing.
Did you know letting go is the only way to be happy?
Well. It is.
I can't let go of certain aspects of my life and it kills me. They tell you to never regret a moment in your life and I can only say that the only thing I can ever do and actually quite good at is- regretting.
I am stuck in the past when past should be past.
I can't understand how to let go; I simply can't let go.
And it's just the worst because I can't let go of how the happiness had shriveled away. How can something so genuine and pure completely burn such a hole in your heart?
Maybe I'm just having a nervous breakdown, but why do certain things have to happen for me to feel so empty and heartbroken. I'm really beginning to believe that happiness doesn't exist and it makes me so sad. Or if there were certain things that forcefully wouldn't allow you happiness- there would be no questions asked and no possible way to make it stop, but you will always be unhappy. And those worry me to the highest extent.
Because I need to be happy. I really, really need to be happy.
Which always brings me back to the topic of certain people.
I couldn't stop thinking of the tone of their voice, their shoes, vulgarity, and streams of confidence. It was something that I couldn't explain- my existence had decided that this was the most important thing in my life now. Nothing else would make me happier. And it scared me and I needed a distraction to react my mind.
So, no. I did not fall in love.
I just needed to distract myself long enough until I'd numb myself cold, but it was the saddest thought I've ever had in my life. To engage myself in different things only to distract and numb my thoughts.
So. That was that.
I don't want to imagine a life waking up in the mornings reminding myself to forgot what had happened. I don't want to regret.
And I finally realized that running away wouldn't help. Just like how it never had helped you. It just couldn't understand what anything meant.
This is one of the scariest feelings in the world. That I will always have unanswered questions and be filled with regret.
I really don't know how what this is and I don't fucking know how to figure this out. And it will fucking kill me if I have to live my life trying to understand any of this.
I'm stuck.

“A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once. It seems to me most strange that men should fear, seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.”

-Julius Ceaser, William Shakespeare

"There is always one person who you love who becomes the definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unkowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities a self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

-Chuck Klosterman

I think I'm stuck and struck and it is so goddamn sticky.
And I'm too scared to try to get myself out of the puddle.

You Give Me The Creeps.

It's crazy just how drawn I am towards someone. And it's a surprise just how blatantly I'm admitting this, but it drives me insane. Just being so drawn towards another person.
I don't even know what it is - this overwhelming feeling of e v e r y t h i n g . My mind stops and starts, worlds fail me, A simple stuck.
It's an overflow of emotions that I'm so deeply into yet so scared of. It's a feeling I'd love to figure out solving, but afraid to do alone. And I really don't want to keep it unsolved. It's a very scary feeling.
Regardless, it strikes me just how much I've written about you. Just how much I read and labeled your "life". If I even knew, but you were written so eloquently that I couldn't let that go.
Today, though. I saw you as YOU. Or I tried. But, I couldn't help but realize you have your own problems and just how different your's and my perspectives are. It scares me that you have certain girls you're drawn towards. Like me to you. And I think of just how different those girls must be from me.
But you're a person and you have certain people you are automatically drawn towards. And I really would want you to be happy. And I'd want for you to be with them because the feeling you get from being ignored is painful. I wouldn't want that for you, even if it's you doing it to me.
Why is it like that, though? It's fucking relentless; just how unfair it is. I don't like it one bit.

"Cupid is fucking irresponsible. And I'm tired of him using me for target practice."
////how obsession plays in my life.