Caffeine addicted!?

I just want to get outttttt.
And I don't mean it like a drama queen, I mean it just as it sounds. I'm just sick of school, La Crescenta, CV, and the people. I'm glad I'm a senior and I just can't wait to get it over and done with it. Second semester, prom, grad night, all that "senior" stuff I'd gladly speed through just for it all to be over. Four years of high school is just way too much and long of a time.
I can't wait to get out and live. Throughout my high school career, I haven't really opened up and had the opportunity to express myself. Yet, I'm kind of glad I didn't. I think I've learned quite a lot in high school. Maybe not so much in the academics like I should have, but I think I've learned a lot about people, relationships, and myself. And recently, I've come to realize, I don't really regret much. There are things that have held me back and still do, but I think I'll be able to get over it as I end my high school life.
I can't wait to get out and finally be able to be the person I want to be. I'm excited of what's to come and I can't wait to see what college has in store for me. I'm excited to be able to meet new people and what they will teach me. I'm excited for finally being able to go out on my own, with nobody but myself. Whether I apply to college or not, today I've decided to not dread the idea of going to a CC and somehow embrace it. Who knows? Maybe a CC will be better for me, and most definitely for my future.
It's either the addicting caffeine that's getting to me or it's just me learning to accept reality (Probably the caffeine -_-).
Yes, I still want to go to that one college. But with completely new ideas and a different outlook on it. But if I end up not applying/getting rejected? Yeah, I'll probably cry over it for about a week, but I think I'll be able to get over it. I'm going to be okay.

(In the spirit of the lovely cold weather slowly creeping in and my crazy addiction to coffee.)

Oh, it's definitely the caffeine getting to me.

All in all though, I'm excited for what post-high school will bring me.
Oh, my disgustingly hot summer, I pray for you to hurry.
And just to add, I think I just might try going back to church. Since God is always the first thing, person, er, spirit? to come into mind in ever decision I make. No lie.

"No matter what happens. Even if the sky is falling down, I will promise you. That I'll never let you go."

This is my favorite song as of now. How ironic.

I think I've decided to accept reality.
I broke another promise but I don't think I need to apologize for it. Because, I'm not breaking it because I want to or for my benefit, but for the other.

It's like

a never ending cycle.

This is not reality. This is Real.

Everything is kind of unrealistic. Now, I mean. How, in a few months, everyone will be going off into different directions, making their own form of mark onto this world. Maybe I'm getting too ahead of myself, but everything is so... unreal and so fast paced. Imagining myself one year later, is like a whole new chapter in my life. Whether these people made even the smallest difference in my life, the people I've seen every day, awkwardly saying hello or tackling them down with a bear hug. Then there's the people who have made bigger impacts, girls who I've had memories with, who I have held actual conversations with. And then, there are my unappreciative, ugly, mean, bratty, inconsistent, slutty, artistic friends ...People, most, if not all, I won't be able to see, contact, and one day, even care about.
(JES Requirements: Once a week letters that come from the mail, once a month packages filled with cute college, NYC/RISD!!! stuff, daily emails, and weekly phone calls, visitations during vacations, ABSOLUTELY NO replacing for more 'artisitic' people. Freaking hate you, uglies..)





I noticed how unrealistic of a person I am. I hate reality and I've continued to constantly refuse to accept it. Yes, I'm a dreamer. I like to fantasize my life and block out reality's crap.I don't care about more than half the things that matter and I like to doze off while listening to all the important things in life. My goals are so unrealistic. My mom thinks I don't know, but I do. I know my dreams are unrealistic, my goals are unrealistic, my reasons are ridiculously unrealistic.
Everybody's moving at such a fast pace. It's like everybody's moving forward and I'm just standing, looking lost. It's like everybody knows what they want to be these days, what they want to major in, where they see themselves in five years.
It's like every little thought I've had regarding my future, it's all so unrealistic.
As I had a meal with a friend today, we began to talk about our future. As usual, but we came onto the topic of our goals. That one goal, that we've always been able to escape to. How we'd live the life and be on top of everything. Then talking on the real, how real could this dream be if money was never an issue? How would this dream gain momentum? How would we get ourselves on top?

This is not reality, this is fucking real.



I really wish I could get these fantasies out of my head and rid myself of my dreams.
I want my obsessions to get the hell away from me and I want to forget all my hopes that I had for college.

KoreAm.

I am back, people.
But I can't say I've got that motivation rush I've been hoping for. But all in all, I am back, yet again to G-RAL over my useless crap. As usual.


It's funny how something so small has impacted me so greatly.
Five years, I waited for something. And I am just a year, no no, months away from actually being able to reach it. Five years, it was considered my 'dream,' my escape to 'happiness,' never ending 'happy chemicals,' a must.
But it's ironic that whenever I find myself thinking of that one dream, I find myself disgusted by it. I find myself angered by it and annoyed of it's lack of ability to understand. I find myself completely in shock with it's brutality and like my mom said, "That's ____ for you, that's how it is, that's how it always will be, and that is who we are."

Nonetheless, whether I am disgusted by it, whether I still find myself irked with the thought of it, it will always stay as my 'dream.'

Because that is not who we are.

That is not who I am.