Once Upon A Time.

"I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our most melancholy properties: for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away, to loathe one's very being and yet to hold it fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?"

Voltaire, Candide

If I could explain to you just how relevant that quote is to my life... How many times has it crossed my mind; Whether or not I should just kill myself? The questions to my sanity and to my life... But I'm just realizing just how dark this place really is.

I've read all these wonderful books of characters fighting through their battles, I've watched all these wonderful movies of people conquering their problems, and I've always sort of gotten a bit of hope unto it. Hope and inspiration that, one day, it will be me: My story and my happy ending. That maybe, soon enough, I will win this battle and I will be forever happy. That, one day, I will become undeniably successful and I will be able to tell others of my stories and to inspire others to keep going. But this story is never ending. My story never seems to end and I continue to strive for nothing and I've only realized just how utterly pointless everything is. Attending school only to transfer to a prestigious university. Strive for perfect scores only to find a well-paid job. Work until the rest of my life only to die.
And I'm sitting here, patiently waiting for my happy ending and my story to end, and it hasn't come. Because I have just realized, and how ironic that I have known this all along; happy endings don't exist.

And this story of mine will never end until the day I die. And a peculiar thought hit me through the head, who has the power to end this story?

I do.

Ignite it.

It's funny how many times I have said this in my life: I don't really know.
My mind has been all a bit empty or all a bit full. I can't figure it out and it's not like I have ever figured it out. I have either been feeling too much or much too little.

For the past few weeks I have been walking around with nothing and I don't know what to make of it. Or maybe, I have no choice but to watch myself slowly become duller and duller. This scares me more than ever.

I used to have this fire. This burning and unrelenting fire that would blaze through me and just not let me be. Wide awake during long nights, thinking and reveling into my futuristic bliss. I was excited, anxious, happy, yet sad. I had this burning fire in me with a five year, flawless plan. I'd tell excitedly to those who'd listen, what a wonderful life, what a wonderful plan I had for myself. I'd revel into these visions during the dark hours of the night, oh just the possibilities of my future were endless and so, so beautiful.
I would try to explain to those who did not seem to have this fire burning in them how wonderful it felt, how alive. I'd try to inspire some life into them, show them how clear it felt having dreams and having goals. Pitying them for being so ignorant and so blind to the possibilities of the future and what it had to offer.

But, how ironic.

I can't seem to find this fire anymore. As if someone had thrown a bucket of ice water unto this fire, I have lost it and all I am left with is a burnt, charcoal scar in me. And I wonder, what has put out the fire? And it scares me, maybe I have deliberately poured water unto myself.

Someone pointed out something that sounded very funny to me:

my walls are so high up that even I can't see them.

Tea for Me.

My mind is in a cloudy mess and I wonder where else my fucked up mind is headed. All the while, I am here to greet the month of November and beg for it to do me well. I don't hope for well, though. I can see the utter remorse of it's capabilities. But you know what? I just don't really give a fuck.
But I will be back in a few days or so with a decision and a plan.

I don't reckon it will be a smart one. You already knew that, though. I'm stupid, fucked up, and too hard to handle. And just like everybody else, I'm quite sick of myself, too.

All in all, though, I really feel like this is my last cry for help. And to be honest? I don't think I'll find what I'm looking for and I'm so scared for myself and how I'll react.

"I talk to God but the sky is empty."

When you yelled and told me you were done with me, the funny thing was that I had already been done with myself. You said you were sick of me and tired of my inability to keep my life together, I didn't deny it. I'm sick of myself, too. I am truly a sickening person. I didn't deny that. I really am unable to keep my life intact. I can't. I mean how can I? When I'm constantly in a battle whether or not I should just simply blow my brains out.

Well, doesn't that make you laugh? That I had given up on myself before anybody had realized that I truly am worth nothing. I will always be that whining girl, so desperately wanting change. Because really, I am done. I've been done. I am sick of myself and I'm done with myself.

I don't really know why I began to cry as I walked out. I don't know why I sat in my car, crying for god knows how long. Because I am entirely apathetic. Like I said, I'm done with myself and I've been done. I guess it just scared me, that I really am over everything and accepting the facts that I will continue to seek for change and never get it.

As I was driving home, I began to think of my options. Or maybe some fucking solution to this mess that I have, once again, created on my own. Really, there isn't that many. And it is quite a battle, whether or not I should just fuck it or wait and see if there really is some sort of fucking god out there. Oh, but for fuck's sakes, would people stop asking me to seek church or whatnot because quite frankly, I'm done with putting my hopes up for someone else, too. I'm done with myself and I'm done believing that somebody actually gives a fuck.

All I really want is to lay in bed all day and sleep. All I really want is to sleep for a couple of days and quite possibly wake up to something different, if not someone different. All I really want is to listen to music all day and smoke too many cigarettes. All I really want is to smoke some weed or quite possibly pop too many pills. All I really want is for somebody to blow my brains out. All I really want is to drive myself off some cliff. All I really want is to ask somebody if they'd kill me.

But it's funny. That in all this mess, what I truly, truly ask for is somebody, any-fucking-body, to ask me how I'm doing. And for them to truly mean it. For them to actually understand or at least, try to understand what the fuck is going on in my head. To listen to me without judging or without asking condescending questions that I would rather not answer. Just somebody to fucking listen, for something to be able to fucking see what the fuck is up.

But like I said, there weren't many options and absolutely no solution to this.

I don't know. I don't know what's going on in my head. Somebody please tell me what is happening inside me. I mean, is it normal? Is it normal for a person to constantly want to shoot their brains out? Because really, these lurking thoughts are so unrelenting and familiar that I can't be sure. I'm not sure if this may be my normality and my happiness. But I hope to God or whatever that is out there that there is something much bigger and better than this.
I feel like shooting my brains out and everybody else's and I don't know how to fix these familiar feelings. I tried. I really, really tried to get over these feelings and to learn to grow up but I'm afraid that I don't know how. I say it over and over again, because it does, it just happens. How am I supposed to stop something when I don't even know when it will decide to come and go? It just happens! As much as I try to hide it or get rid of it, I can't. I don't know what it is. I just wish I could somehow tell this to somebody who would understand. I don't know who to turn to and I don't even know exactly what I need. I don't even know what I'm so fessed up about, these thoughts, these unrelenting and unforgiving thoughts. I don't know what to make of them and I don't know what they are! I want them out and I tried to forget them, but how can I forget something I don't even know?
I want somebody to understand. How can I tell this to anybody? That there is a constant thought that lingers and refuses to leave? How do I explain this to anybody? How can I explain something that I don't even know? How can I explain this to somebody without having them think I am crazy? How do I tell somebody that I would like to shoot my brains out and die?

I don't really know what... But I miss something. I don't know if its a person I miss or if its a thing I miss, but I miss it. It might not even be anything in particular, I just may be missing everything that used to be. In any case, I miss something and I want it back dearly.

I can slowly feel everything tumbling down. I don't know what it is or how it happens, it just happens. I feel suffocated and tired. Just tired and apathetic about everything. All I want to do is sleep and not have to have any commitments. I can't explain it, it just happens. There's nothing wrong, but why does everything feel so wrong? I don't know why, I don't have much to complain about but everything just feels so mean and unrelenting. I feel like I'm walking on a very narrow path and everything is just crowding around me. I have nothing to complain about but it just happens. How do I explain something that I don't even know myself? The smallest things trigger my biggest down falls and I don't know why. I really thought I had gotten over this, but I feel tired and afraid again. I don't know what it is. I just feel alone and I want somebody to understand me but how can they, when I can't even understand my own feelings? I just want to sleep and sleep and wake up to a different world because I feel like somebody is choking me and not letting me go. It just feels like something or somebody out there just does not want me to be happy and will do anything in their power to bring me down. How do I say it, how many times do I have to repeat myself? It just happens. I can't control it because it comes and goes when it pleases and all I can do is wait for it to pass.

I just want to sleep my life away. I really need somebody to help me fix this problem and understand what the hell is going on in my head.

I just want to be happy.

I wonder how long it'll take for me to become happy with where I stand in life. I feel like I'm always waiting for a certain period of my life to come when I'm not supposed to be waiting for anything, rather I should be striving towards it. I just don't really know exactly where I stand in life and I have so many different goals for myself that I don't really know where to begin.
I want to find some sort of solidarity in my life. I thought I had it, but I'm not too sure anymore. I want to get out of California because if I don't get out now, I feel like I'll always be stuck here. But I didn't want to leave without any anchors, and I really thought that I did have some... But somewhere along the road, I don't know how, but I've lost them. I'm not so broken by this, though. I don't think I really care either. Because I really am done worrying about meddlesome shit.
I just don't really know where my life lies as of now.

I want to start my life.
I wonder when that will come...

La Musique Française

I don't reckon I understand what my mind has been dwelling with lately. Nor do I really care much...
I think I've quite possibly murdered my future goals. And I don't really know what to do about it because I'm not really sure if there is a solution to this. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Now, does everything really happen for a reason? Must I find another dream to pursue, must I find a different goal to chase after? Because I am getting no where.
I keep telling myself that I need an Idea. Which is true. I do need an idea. I just don't know where I'll find this idea. I don't know where to start and I don't how to start.
But this idea must be powerful. An idea inspired by the utmost original. I need an idea that will have the ability to build cities, to change the world.
I just can't seem to find any sort of inspiration or direction. I'm working on nothing, hoping for a city.

I just want to get out. To London, to Paris, to Seoul, to Prague, to Rome, to Tokyo. Just away from here and into an unknown city. Whether it be the city that never sleeps or the city where everybody wants to be somebody else. I need to get out of here.

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?
We make tools for these kinds of people.
While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

-Apple Inc

Echo

How I miss last year's summer and its spontaneity. The same question remains in utter darkness, I wonder, when I will ever be able to get out of this bubble I call home. I sit here, just like I did the last, and the time before the last, and before the time before the last, asking myself the same old question.

Here come the tears and the feelings I thought I've grown out of. The familiarity of it all scares me and I wonder if this is some sort of annual meltdown that I'll always feel.

I just wish I could be away from here and living a life different from what I call my life.
I need to get out of here.

And how long will I be telling myself this?

Where is the answer to this?

A one way ticket out of here, please.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_hdmt4vpBo

I have a newfound love. My utter need and desire to get out of this place is reflected upon my hobbies and interests. My favorite place in Barnes and Nobles is the travel section. All these books and articles of so many different places amaze me. There are so many places I would like to see. How am I so entirely limited? How can I live and limit myself to one place when there are so many different places and attractions?

I need to see things and get out of this place I am stuck in.
I wish to see so many things, to meet so many people, and to be so many people and I am so limited and bound by impeccable subjects I don't care about.

Who I am-- To you, the world, to myself.

I think I'm trying too hard to try to be someone I'm not. Maybe a part of me wishes to be that kind of person, but I don't think I ever truly will be. It's just not me and it's making me lose myself as I try so hard to be somebody I'm not. I try to be this person who doesn't care about anything at all and I try so hard to be mean. I try to be this unwelcoming and dark person, but it simply isn't me.
I'm complicating and hard to please. I'm a nuisance and I care. I'm constantly running around freaking out about something, trying to find something out of nothing. I over think every little detail and will never forget an insult or criticism that hurts my pride. I like to watch movies, with or without people. My imagination will reach the stars and I've got hundreds of dreams that may or may not be possible. My mind is never at a stop and constantly running around on one thought or another. I like to sit and talk about nothing for hours on end and making up stories in my mind. I'm in love with my imagination and I fall in love with figments of people that I know. I'm a people-person and will always care for them whether I want to or not. I stay awake during the night thinking about every little detail of my day and try to find where I went wrong. As much as I have a "fuck it" attitude, I will obsess over it and try to fix the problem. I'm terrible at letting go and saying goodbye. I'm independent but I am also dependent. I like people too much but I'm afraid that maybe, I like them a lot more than they like me. I have problems with trust and I value honesty more than anything. I have pride issues and can't admit my feelings to people. And by the end of the day I think I know myself, but I don't.
I expect too much from people, maybe? Because how can I expect anybody to understand me and where I come from when I can't even understand myself. How can I expect people to love me when I can barely even like myself? How would I be able to expect somebody to accept me when I'm afraid of acceptance?

I don't know why I can't just accept myself for who I am. I don't think anybody can. Maybe everybody else is like this, too; they try to be somebody they're not.
It's scary, though. Because by the end of the day, you're still "you" and no matter how much you try to alter yourself and your personality, you lie deep inside the facade you put up. No matter how much I act like I'm an uncaring bitch and somebody who just doesn't give a fuck, I care too much and I just want to be accepted.

But this is what confuses me, I don't enjoy acceptance. It takes me back a few steps because, who would ever tolerate a person like me? I question their sanity and what has made them so terribly jaded that they would accept me? I begin to feel scared, incompetent, and inferior. It overwhelms me and I feel guilty that I have somehow tricked them into thinking that I am somebody that I am not.
I think this is where the problem lies. I wonder when I'll ever be able to accept myself? If I ever even will? Because I can never expect somebody to accept me for who I am if I can't even tolerate myself.
I will never be that girl. I will never be that girl I'm in love with and will never succeed in it because it simply isn't who I am. Is this normal to not be able to accept yourself?

Presidential Nostalgia:

I don't think I have ever once got what I really wanted. And I don't mean materialistically speaking. I can't explain it but I just feel like this is another one of my missed chances simply because of who I am and how I've grown to be this kind of person.
Timid and complex, yet simply self-conscious. It almost makes me want to shout and scream the why's and what if's that I've already gone through enough but really, it doesn't help.
Despite my reluctance to religion, I always wonder if I was placed in this kind of position for a reason. That maybe, because of these imperfections and flaws, I am better off. I just don't really understand the simple complexity of it all.
I feel like I live my present, living through the future. And I wait, and wait for the future to come when it never will. Yes, yes, this too will pass. It always does. It's a simple phase that I am going through and will probably go through again, but for now, I can't understand just why. Where is the fairness of it all? Life isn't fair, yeah, but to what extent?
I don't know where I'm going with this because in the end, I've lost again. I've lost and will continue losing because I am making nothing out of my life.
I don't plan on studying nor doing any homework this week.
Good night, all.

Pretty Things

This is completely and utterly irrelevant to my life:
First things first, once you begin to over think; Game over.
Everything is mind over matter, if you mind then it matters; You lose.
The beauty in this is not what you feel, it's what you do.
The whole point in this is to see not who wins, but who loses.
There is no such thing as a tie, you win or lose, you chose these rules.

Anyway, back to my life:
I'm really keen on this certain chase but I'm not really too sure. I know I'm really nit-picky with these kind of things so I'm sure nothing really will come out from this but it was just a thought. I realized I'm a really skeptical and timid person when it comes to these kind of things and almost always, from the beginning, I am at a lower end. Just that in the end of it all, there's not really any point.
But as of right now, this is what I want. I just don't really know where to start.
How can I be so jaded? How can everything in this world be so jaded?

I want to go back in time. Time scares me so much. It is already April and I have yet felt accomplished. I remember when I was younger, quite possibly even last year, I used to have such dreams. Vivid, impossible, and courageous dreams. Dreams that can take my mind anywhere and wherever it wanted to go; whatever I saw fit, it was possible. And I look back unto those dreams, those pure and innocent, almost childlike dreams, I don't really know what to feel. It's like the society is so keen on teaching kids that anything is possible, but they never really do teach you the realities of the society. I look at these dreams somewhat angered over reality and how cruel it can be. How I want to leave everything behind and leave for somewhere far, far away from here. How naive and foolish is it to believe that I have the ability to find something whilst leaving everything here? Like the movies?

I watched my cousin leave for Korea once again, leaving everything behind. Her future, her schoolwork, her priorities. Why? Because she's depressed. I am not at all bitter by this, I envy this. Because isn't everybody?

I don't have guts though. I value my future too much. Which makes me laugh a disgusting and bitter laugh because my future means nothing to me. I hold dreams of useless wonder and impossible thoughts trapped in my mind.

People are always telling you everything is possible. People are always telling you hard work will pay off in the future while others tell you to live in the moments. You see, the problem with this is there is no such thing as being part of the two. You either live for tomorrow or today. I could live for today, worrying for my tomorrow or live for tomorrow, crying today. Then there's the case of living your day as if it's your last, which means you live for today not giving a care for tomorrow. But what happens if it isn't your last day? Your tomorrow, you cry. What if you decide not to live like it's your last, and strive for the better tomorrow? Then you waste your today, crying and find your day really was the last. How is there a possible balance between this?

I don't know where I stand. These steaming tears can't do shit for me yet I still cry for an impossible answer. I'm scared for my future and my present.

Update

I have this unexplainable fear of endings. Whether it be goodbye's, departures, or a simple ending to a book. I also don't really enjoy watching movies. Wait no, scratch that, I love watching movies; but what I mean to say is, I have this uncanny love for movie trailers. I always seem to enjoy movie trailers a lot more than I do the actual movies, and it quite almost breaks my heart whenever I finish watching the movie. Whereas if I had watched the movie trailer and kept it at that, the ending is open for my alternate ending.
I'm just having a horrible time letting go of this book and movie; Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. It took me quite a while to finish the novel and let alone get myself to watch the movie. I felt that if I had watched the movie then it would be mean I was forever and done with the story line. I wouldn't be able anticipate anymore because there would be nothing more to look forward to. All the while, I cried like a baby in both the novel and the movie and the ending both killed me and enlightened me. Yup, no sappy, unrealistic happy endings here.

Anyway, I've nocturnally an insomniac and I've got this idea... Hm...

Also, I'm looking for a few changes in my life. I just don't really know where to start...

Whatever, let's see where this idea takes me and how long it takes me start these changes...

Don't Ever Listen to Anybody Who Tells You that Anything is Possible.

Just... the utter stress, frustration, and inner turmoil I am going through right now is simply indescribable. Awake at 6:12 AM on a Monday morning, class in three hours, with unfinished assignments; it truly never ceases to amaze me. These tears literally pouring down my face, I cannot even attempt to describe these emotions that a thousand "fuck's" could not even suffice. And all this frustration for this? For school? For my Microeconomics class? Those tears that I spilled months ago, so foolish, so childish. I am literally in tears over my frustration for Microeconomics. Really, I am really breathing and living in my textbook. Taking notes, outlining chapters, researching online; but why do I fail to understand these assignments? I would go through my poisonous memories a thousand times over than have to deal with this confusion, frustration, and anger upon my stupidity.
I know being a business major isn't for me. Let alone an Economics major. I knew this from the very beginning. I have no passion for supply and demand graphs and marginal tax rates. But it's honestly everything I wish and want to be. Why a Business major? Because it's money. It's true though, there are other options, a doctor perhaps, so why must it be business? Because business majors are independent, strong, smart, and undeniably successful. Business majors are suave and have an irresistible swag. They understand and have an unending knowledge. Business majors succeed with language, with mathematics, with economics, with current events, with communications... Business majors create a whole company, corporation, building entirely on their own.
People ask me why The Social Network is my favorite movie. Why? Because the characters in the movie are exactly the type of person I would like to be. Like Mark Zuckerberg, a know it all, stuck up, genius. A person who creates the biggest social networking site and the youngest billionaire in the world. Like Sean Parker, a young entrepreneur, a founder of companies at such a young age. And most importantly and especially, like Eduardo Saverin; a man who memorized the formula at the top of his and recites it with such swag. Loaded with cash, understands business, wears suits, and ever so coolly calls himself an Economic major. Eduardo Saverin the exact person I wish to be. I long to be the female version of him. I dream of one day being like him and simply worship the ground he walks.
And here I am at GCC, literally in tears because of Microeconomics. 6:33 AM and I have just realized that I will never be like Eduardo Saverin. I have literally worshiped his knowledge and I am here in complete frustration. I will never be able to attend Harvard University for my graduate school, as I always wished for. Nor will I even be able to attend University of Pennsylvania, Wharton School of Business for my Undergrad. Nor will I be able to attempt to achieve a PhD degree at USC for some mathematical branch like my dad. I told myself last night that I will get through this, get through Economics, but here I am Monday morning... Unable to comprehend my assignment.
I have never felt so frustrated in a class in my entire life. I'm not simply crying over my frustration in Economics. I'm crying because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I read my Economics textbook, no matter how much time I spend on Economics, I can't seem to understand. I'm crying because I am literally consuming my life into Economics and letting every one of my other classes slip away from me. I'm crying because I really think it's time for me to let go. Let go of wanting to be a successful, independent, business/economics major.
And I cry because, I wonder, how many more dreams must I give up in the future?

I'm Fine. Just Not Happy.

There are a few things that people don't know about me. And at times like these, I don't know what to feel and I don't know whose there and whose not.
The thing is... I care too much. I just care too fucking much. And as much as I'd like to tell myself and others that I don't give a fuck; my mind is on a roll, racing to find out the why's, what's, and how's. And as much as I keep a front, I'm a very, very, very timid person. I think too much and way too hard of things that shouldn't matter. I'm afraid of words. I want to feel safe and I want to surround myself with walls. I want to be able to let go and begin to care less of things that shouldn't matter. I want somebody to understand, to be able to break these barricades around me and to somehow find a light inside of me. I just don't really think I know how to allow a person to break these walls down.
Yet, how can I be so terribly naive? Yes, this is only momentary. I understand that, I understand myself enough to know this, but why do I allow myself to delve deep into thoughts and find meaning in the smallest of things? I'm really sick of myself. I want to believe in something, knowing the lies I'm feeding myself. I don't know what's worse. That I'm allowing myself to, as it brings me momentary happiness, or continuing to be happy over these lies. I hate how girls have the tendency to believe things are "meant to be," or somehow twist fabricated words into reality.
But either way, I still am a hundred percent sure of one thing: This doesn't come up to par as the other. Pathetic and apathetic, it doesn't really matter. I don't mind, I'm simply stating the facts.
I'd also like to add, I don't entirely hate the "happily ever after's." I just don't believe in them, and as much as I'd like to, I just don't really enjoy them. I might not hate them, but I don't like them. Yes, I believe in the happy middle's. In fact, I'm in love with them. They're my favorite part of the story. I just don't particularly believe that the ending should be happy as well. Why are we so obsessed with happy endings? Everything that comes together, must fall apart. I'm not a cynic, I just think the terrible endings are much more enjoyable. A happy ending, ends with a happy ending, the end. But an open ending leaves space for a person to grow, to find happiness in something else, I don't know. Just don't talk to me about happy endings, they kind of make me sick.
Did you know, though? I live my life through my mind. I live my mind in the future, rotting my present. However, I must tell you something, I'm losing my mind.
I don't really know what I'm saying, to be honest. I don't really know anything, ever at all, actually. I just know I'd rather be anywhere but here. School is utterly sucking the soul out of me, yet I still don't really mind. I wish I could black myself out with life's alcohol and escape this. This, that, who, what, where, when, how, I don't know and I don't really give a fuck. My mind is anywhere but here.

Things Fall Apart.

So I came across this book, Looking for Alaska, by John Green. In the beginning I thought not much of it; just another hipster novel with sentiments of wallflowers and unique people, but I came across this quote:
“Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. … You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”
I can't even explain how much this quote scares me and how much truth lies in it. It's true, we are almost stuck in a labyrinth of suffering and it's almost impossible to get out. How long have I been waiting for this future to come?
I'm simply living in the present with my mind in the future, but honestly, when will the future come? I don't even notice how much time has gone by, how much time I have lost by simply waiting for this future.
I just want to live. To simply, truly live. To feel alive, invincible, and free.
I really need to get myself out of this labyrinth.

1, 2, 3, 20, 38, maybe 62.

I'm trapped.
Like a bird, able to fly but chained to the sky.
And I have just realized this is all nothing but a cycle and nobody is free.
Tears brim the eyes, but how familiar. Drip, drip, drip, drip down the familiarity of it all.
Look into the mirror and stare at the ugly, ugly thing. Don't you just want to shatter those empty eyes staring back? The audacity of it all.
Open your mouth and scream, listen to the shrill, piercing noise. Of no sound at all.
You are breathing, but you drown in the realness of it all.
Four in the morning to eternity.

"No one here knows the calm words of love, so we tend to shout."

It's only been one week of spring term, but I am already drained out of my mind. I have just learned that I am a naive, stupid, little girl who will never be the person I dream to be. Can you, can you, save me from me? This is all I ask, but all I get in return is naivety. I don't believe in happy endings and I do not enjoy them. I detest the typical Cinderella story, as it is utterly flawed. Nobody can save me.
I can fly when I'm dreaming, but I sink when awake.
We will fall.

DFD-Love Psycle

I feel like I'm losing myself.
The days have been great. Free and fun loving. I've been on top of things and finding happiness in the smallest of things. I find myself in small meltdowns, but get over it in a few minutes. I smile at the sky and breathe with ease.
But I feel like I've lost myself. I feel detached from my emotions and I feel as if I've lost a part of myself and I'm not so sure why I'm feeling this emptiness. At times when I'm alone, I have this empty feeling and I can see myself standing far away when I'm right there.
I don't think it's been with me too long. It's already assimilated into me and it wasn't just a point in my life, but it's a part of me. It's part of my identity and part of who I am. It's me. It's my strength, but a waste of energy. And no matter what, it'll always define me. It will slowly kill me, but it doesn't matter, because it's me. It'll end up killing me, but save me.
I have nothing more to say and I'm tired. Tomorrow is a new day and another happy one.

You Think You See Me.

Panic attack, panic attack, panic attack. If anybody knows me, I'm the most paranoid, skeptical person alive.
Last night was a good night. Maybe a little too good of a night. I had a little too much fun and need to learn to tone it down a couple of notches. Yesterday was a eventful, crazy, emotional, blurry mess. And I want to emphasis on the mess.
And before I begin to even revel back into my night, I just had a mini panic attack. Because my blog is open to the public. Free for anybody to read. People I don't know, people who don't care, people who I do know. Which worries me because the people that may know me, might begin to speculate of exactly what, who, where, and exactly what era I blog about. But I just want to say, if you think I'm talking about you, it probably isn't you. Not at all in a mean, snobbish way! I just mean that these people that I discuss about are the least expected people of all. But maybe that's what makes everything so much more predictable.
But anyway,
last night was a blurry mess and a roller coaster of emotions. In the beginning, everything was just dandy as I was socializing with various people. Until a nerve hit me. Such a mess, I can tell you that. I began to speak loudly of absolutely everything. Everything I've tried so hard to keep inside. I began to spill my whole life story to random people that I met a few hours back. Yelling, crying, creating such an embarrassing scene. Still intoxicated, left the house and walked a long distance to a friend's dorm. And as we were walking back to the dorm, my mind rambled out loud once more. Talking, talking, talking. I really just couldn't stop. Yelled the same word over and over again. Talked, talked, talked. Exposed my whole insane mind to these people that I barely even know. The thing is, as I was telling these people absolutely everything, I kept telling myself 'I'm going to regret this tomorrow morning, I'm going to regret this tomorrow morning.' But I just couldn't stop, it just kept coming out. And as expected, I woke up this morning in full regret. How could I let myself talk so much? How vulnerable was I? What in the heck did I drink? How much did I exactly say? Too much, too everything.
So, as I came back home, I thought of all the regretful words that came out of my mouth and was in utter disappointment in myself. But a couple of hours ago, as I was sipping on my orange juice, I began to laugh. And not that sick, twisted laugh that I laugh so often on this dilemma. But it was a good, hearty laugh. A laugh for the utter silliness and pointlessness of it all! I laughed of just how much I didn't care anymore, just how much I'm over it. I felt so relieved! All the words that I kept bottled up for so long were gone, gone, gone. All gone! And what's done is done. I felt so free and really everything was about letting go. I let go and I feel fresh and anew. I guess I don't regret last night's rambles, but I really am over it. Even though I always say it. But today, I truly am over it. Not because it's the only choice but because I have just realized how stupid and dumb everything all was.
Even though I told myself I would stop cussing. And not for you, this is for myself.
But here's a big Fuck You to you.
I really hope, pray, and wish that you'll regret your choices. And as much as I wish for your success and don't hold any hard feelings, I really do wish you'll always have that regret in your mind. I wish for you to be happy, I truly do, but I also wish for you to always have that one thought in the back of your mind. And on certain nights, I want it to eat you alive only to spit you back out in the morning. You'll feel sleepless, tired, and numb. I wish for you to think, but you wouldn't understand exactly what you're thinking about. I hope you'll revel back, just like I did for too long, and you'll be so confused about exactly what went wrong. And as happy as you are, there will always be that in the back of your mind. Everything that I felt, I hope you feel it ten times more.
I truly, utterly, with all my heart wish for your happiness. I do, I really do. But you see, the thing is, for me to be happy is for you to feel what I have felt for years. It would make me happy for year's on end and you would want me to be happy, too. Because during those years, despite my problems, I still only wished for your happiness. Don't get me wrong though, I still want you to be happy. Just unable to forget because all I wanted from you was to understand. So, this is what I wish for. Every day. Why, though? Why can't I cleanly just let it go? Because it truly would make me happy. I'm not living for your happiness any longer because from this day on, I'm living for myself.
Please, be happy. But you won't ever forget.
And I'm really fucking fine with that, here's my last smile to ya' :)

But for now, pathetic.

This week, last week, this month, haven't been the brightest. They could be better, should be better.
Lately, I've been in some sort of a slump and can't seem to get out of it. I don't know what it is. But when do I ever know what it is? I can't really seem to understand it all. I can't seem to sleep, yet all I do is sleep. I've been taking hours on end to fall asleep and taking forever to arise. Uncomfortable slumbers. And I don't really know the cause of it. Just compulsively trying to understand Economics and wondering if Business is really the way for me. Because, is it really? It surely isn't my passion. If anything, I'd excel in communications, compassionate jobs, I don't know, surely not Business, though. But I guess I'm money hungry and determined to throw my middle finger up at everybody who told me I couldn't. This isn't really my motives for blogging. I just don't really know what to do. With school, major, life, everything. I've been talking. Excessively. To myself. In my car. It helps, I guess. I don't really know what I ramble and mumble about. Sometimes I'm whispering, sometimes I'm yelling, sometimes I'm simply talking. I'm not really talking to myself, though. I don't really know who I talk to. I tell them undoubtedly everything. I wish they really were there to listen, though. Listen to not judge me. But I guess I really am talking to myself. I don't know what it is I'm happy and sad about. I can't distinguish what's right and wrong. I can't figure what's real and what's not. I'm not sure if I'm in a dilemma or not. Maybe I'm not even in a slump, maybe I am at my peak. When will my life start? I always tell myself after this my life will start, after that my life will start, 2011 will be when my life starts, all this bullshit is when my life starts. I'm wasting away, waiting for the moment of my life to start. And it's so pathetic that I'm always waiting for the start of my life when it won't start until I make it start. I'm just so sick of it all and I feel like giving up. And I think about exactly what I feel like giving up and the sad truth is, almost nothing. My life almost means nothing to me, yet I value so much of it. I can't seem to get out of this mess and I just wish I'd find the willpower to try. To try with all of my heart and soul for one last time. Because I feel if not now, it truly is the end of everything. Everything is all speed and I seem to be left alone watching everything pass by me. With no feelings at all. Happiness, for the sickest reasons possible and sadness, that I am left behind. And I'm worried. I'm worried for my mind and for my life. If I can't seem to get certain memories and thoughts out of my life, I don't think I'll have the faith to open new doors. I'm so stuck up on the past, present, and future that I'm lost in the middle of nowhere. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anything. Ever. I wish I'd understand all this. I want to erase you and I mean completely. I don't want to simply be able to look back smiling and laughing, but I wish I'd be able to look back in confusion. Because I wish there would be nothing to look back to. Forget that, though. I just need to find my way. I need to learn to pick myself up after I've fallen and I think in this case, to pick myself up after years of being on the floor. This truly is the start of it all. I hope to find hope and find enough faith to try once more. Slowly, but surely, I will be back. Better than ever and changed.

Bass Down Low.

It hasn't really hit me yet that it's already 2011 and I don't think it really will. I've come to realize that a new year really is nothing special. Maybe it is, but I wouldn't know. My new year resolutions are always the same as any other year, month, week, and days. Always on my mind and always hoping for myself to actually achieve them. Well, it doesn't mean that I haven't set some resolutions for this year.
What I'm definitely hoping for is a much better year than 2009 and 2010. But I'm not so sure if it would happen because I'm hoping to truly consume myself in school and getting myself out of here and GCC. But with it all, I'm really hoping for a better year. At least, a good year for me to set my life on track and finding my path in life. I don't even mean by having a year fill with adventures and pure fun, I just hope I'll lead my life a lot better than I have before. I guess I hope for 2011 to be a year filled with change from myself.
I'd revert back into 2009 and 2010, but why should I dwell on the past? Let's just say, 2009 was stressful. Too many mind-boggling, regretful controversies. 2010 was simply, boring and a fail of a year. Sure, it had it's few adventurous, unforgettable memories, but , I'm sure it could have been better. Yes, they were all brought upon myself, but I don't mind at all! Because at those moments, they were exactly what I wanted. I don't need to waste my thoughts on the past and I'm really ready to forget everything and start anew.
So 2011? Let's do it. Let's really do it, this year. I don't expect much from you and I don't expect everything to fall into place. I just expect myself to truly try this year and to change myself for the better and for the person I've always wanted to be.