I don't know how it happened, but my questions were answered.
And I mean they were truly answered. As I was sitting and reveling back into forbidden thoughts, I began to pray to God, begging for answers, and there they were. Just as I was beginning to cry, once again. The answers just came to my head and I really didn't need to cry anymore.
I guess I'm over it. I'm really over it and I really mean it this time.
And I feel empty inside.
And I don't know if I'm happy or sad.
All I know is I feel empty and there is nothing I can do about it. There's nothing inside of me and I guess there really is nothing other than getting over it. I guess I truly am over it.

I feel empty inside.

Sing Me to Sleep.

"Maybe it's sad that these are now memories. And maybe it's not sad."
I want to feel infinite.
I want to explain to you what the feeling of infinite is but I don't think it's quite possible. I feel like I've felt it before. Felt being infinite. But no matter how deep my words can be, no matter how vividly I can show you, I really can't explain to you how feeling infinite is like. I think it's different for everybody. I can't remember the last time I felt infinite., though.
Asleep by The Smith's.
Please, listen to it.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
Please, read it.
I feel really stupid. This song makes me cry. And I don't really know what I cry about. I cry about Charlie, myself, memories, and simply everything. But I don't cry about Charlie, myself, memories, and simply everything. I cry about nothing at all, yet I cry for everything.
I've been thinking too much lately. And you know, even though I hate school so much, I really wish it would start again. Because I need to get these thoughts out of my mind. I want to keep my mind busy and my mind on simply trying to get out of here. I'm thinking about everything and nothing and I don't really know how to stop. I really need to stop all this thinking.
No matter how much I think about it, it never will matter.
How can I think so much on something that never will acknowledge me?

Epiphany? I don't know.

Dear friends,
I'm currently reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky and currently obsessed with it. Its a short book but I'm trying to savor the reading as much as I can. And the reason I'm writing my blog as a letter to a friend, is exactly because of Charlie. So, bear with me as I get through this phase. And I know I'm blogging quite often these past couple of days. I have quite a lot of time on my hand as I am on break and all I must attend to is work, gym, and playing. I guess I'm having a decent time. Thinking quite a lot.
A peculiar memory came across my mind a few hours ago.
Today is one of my bestest friend's birthday. So, happy birthday to her! And to celebrate, we decided to go eat gogi. I was having a fairly good time and horking down as much meat as possible. Until I got a terrible stomach ache. Indigestion, ate too fast, ate too much, I don't know, all I know is, the worst type of stomachache possible. So I began to sweat bullets and I really thought I was going to die. I don't know if you know this about me but, I am deathly afraid of stomachaches and I hate them more than anything. I don't think I have enough time to revel into those memories tonight, though. Anyway, so after my stomachache calmed down, we were just about ready to leave. And on the drive back, we were all fairly quiet and while I was thinking about my stomachache and how much it hurt, this peculiar memory ran across my mind.
After we got back, I decided to drive myself home and try to get myself feel better. Well, the drive wasn't as graceful as I had to stop my car for a bit because my stomachache came back. But after a few minutes, I decided to suck it up and get home as soon as possible.
This part is quite funny actually because I didn't really understand it myself.
As I was on the drive back home, that one memory scurried across my mind, once more. And I couldn't really get it out of my mind. This is where it gets really funny because at that moment I began to cry. I really began to cry. Tears began to pour down my face and I was choking on my words as I was speaking out loud. I was talking to myself, to God, to no one at all. I'm not a very religious person, but I really began to question God. I was asking him his reasons to his motives, I began to ask myself what I was even talking about, I began to yell at nobody at all. All in about five minutes, I was going through a meltdown and crying my eyes out in my car, when I was simply just trying to get home. I don't know who I was talking to, to be honest. I was really just pouring my heart out to the rain, to my car, to the radio, to God, to myself, to nobody at all.
I don't know how to explain this memory. It wasn't really special anyway. It just added onto the obvious, I don't know why it made me cry so much. I don't want to talk about it tonight, though. Maybe later.
Well, I got home alright and pulled myself together just fine. It was as if nothing even happened and everything was as normal as could be. I don't know why I decided to blog about this. It was just a turn of events, I guess.

Love always,
Yoorin

Once More.

Do you want to read a pathetic story?
I used to fit into size zero pants when I was a freshman in high school.
And there's this one pair of size zero shorts that I used to absolutely adore. I bought them for around seventy bucks. Mind you, they were shorts for seventy bucks. They were my absolute favorite. Perfect color, perfect length, just my style.
Guess where those shorts are?
Sitting in the back of my closet collecting dust and waiting for me to be able to wear them again.
Dieting sucks. I've probably done every single diet in history. I diet, lose a ton of weight, gain it all back.
But this time, I think it'll be different.
This time, I know it'll be different.

I cried last night.
As pathetic as it sounds, yeah, I cried.
Because I've finally realized and accepted just how important something was to me. And I'm not going to lie, I still find it important.
There was this one thing that I've always brushed to the back of my mind. I tried so hard to keep it out of my life and in many ways, it worked. I found different distractions to rid these thoughts, but little did I know it was only momentarily. And suddenly, its as if all these thoughts came rushing back. There was no distractions and I was stuck in a trance, reveling back into these worn out, dusty, abused thoughts.
So, I cried.
I didn't cry because I was angry at the memories returning and having to think back to them.
I cried because I came across my past words. I looked unto those words and I looked at last night's words.
I don't really know the connection to the two. Last night's words were the same as usual. Telling myself that it isn't, it wasn't, it isn't important. But looking back to the past words, all it said was it is, it was, it is important. These past words were words that were written without much thought. Written in the midst of the moment, written with no thoughts at all. But last night's words were thought out, organized, and planned.
I cried at my past words and last night's words. Because no matter how much I write and read last night's words, these past words are the truth.
These past words meant so much to me and its sad to see just how much I was in love with this thing and just how important it was to me. Never in my life have I ever wanted anything more and its sad to see that I've never got it, and never will.
I cried because I knew just how important this was to me and just how important it still is to me.
I accept it. I accept that it wasn't a mere obsession. It was so much more than that. It still is. I'm not going to say that I didn't and I don't, because if I did, it'd be a lie. And how long have I been lying to myself for? For too long. So, I accept how important this is to me and I'm ready to accept that this just might be with me for forever. There's no turning back and I accept that I might possibly still be in love with it in the future.
That's why I know it'll be different this time.
There will be no more failures and no more giving myself second chances.
I'm going to change. And I'm going to become the person that I've always wanted to be. And the person I've always wanted to be is the same person as the other person wanted. Because I've always wanted to be the person as the other person wanted. Because that person, is me.
Since I have accepted that it might possibly be with me forever, why not?
Why not become the person that I've always wanted to be, be the person the other person always wanted?


I really hope nobody understands this post.
But I don't worry too much, because I don't understand it myself.

L'ESPIRIT DE L'ESCALIER

There are currently four drafts written from just this day.
I don't know how to correctly express my words.

There are people that we can't live without, but we have to learn to let them go.
It really is scary when you realize how important a person is to you in your life. Its scary that one person, a person that was once so insignificant, becomes the only thing you can think about. Its scary how a person, once a stranger, becomes the only person you care about. Its scary how that person, the person you didn't even care about, has the power to control your emotions. Its scary how one person can make the biggest impact unto your life. Its scary that this person, the person who is almost consuming your life, doesn't even stop to think about you. Its scary how this person, you're worried that you'll never be able to forget him, has already forgotten.
Its insane how these memories, that you've so carefully stored into your mind, these memories, that you've so carefully thought about over and over, can mean nothing to the other person.
Its sad how these memories, that once made you smile and giggle, begin to melt into an acidic poison. These memories begin to taint your mind with horrid thoughts, of the why's, what if's, and if only's. These memories that once meant so much to you, begin to hurt you because they remind you.
They remind you of the unfinished ending. They remind you of the ending that will never be finished by anybody but yourself. These memories will stay with you forever until you learn how to forget.
But isn't it scary? That there is no answer to this.
There is no guide to forget memories. Memories that mean everything to you.
Will I ever forget? Will I ever brush these memories off and laugh over my silliness?
L'espirit de l'escalier.
There are so many things I would have said if I knew it would have ended there.
The sad thing is though,
we don't understand the calmness of love so we tend to shout.

Someone teach me.

Salute Your Solutions.

Currently in a trance.
Its the weather. This weather always seems to get to me. This cold, chilly weather always seems to put me into a reverie that I never can get out of.
I thought a lot last night. I wrote a lot last night.
I sat myself down and began to write. Not of my future or any of the things that have been bugging me lately.
I thought of the one thing that always seemed to creep into my mind. I thought of the one thing that continued to bug me, that I constantly tried to keep at the back of my mind.
I wrote. I finally wrote it down. Because there was no way in hell would I ever had been able to speak it out.
You see, there's so much I would like to say. So much I would like to yell out. So much I'd do to allow the fates to clash once more.
But no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I push out these thoughts; there really is nothing that I could to do to allow anything to happen.
So I thought, and wrote. I wrote everything. And that way, I would be able to rip everything out into the open.
I didn't find anything interesting. I didn't find an answer.
Just everything was out in the open and bare for my eyes to see.
I stared into the paper, long and deep. I didn't find an answer. Because I already knew the answer. And I've already known this answer, long, long ago. There was no answer.
I stared into my messy scrawl. And found nothing.
And I slept and slept, and I woke up feeling nothing.
Because there really is nothing to feel. And despite just how many times I've told myself this;
I truly am over it. Because there is no other way out.
Because if I kept myself, allowed myself to hide these thoughts away, I'd never be able to find myself.
I look at that paper once more. Cringe of its sad, empty ending. Smile and walk away.
Because that is all I can do.
Because all I am getting over is nothing.
Because everything was nothing at all.