I don't know. I don't know what's going on in my head. Somebody please tell me what is happening inside me. I mean, is it normal? Is it normal for a person to constantly want to shoot their brains out? Because really, these lurking thoughts are so unrelenting and familiar that I can't be sure. I'm not sure if this may be my normality and my happiness. But I hope to God or whatever that is out there that there is something much bigger and better than this.
I feel like shooting my brains out and everybody else's and I don't know how to fix these familiar feelings. I tried. I really, really tried to get over these feelings and to learn to grow up but I'm afraid that I don't know how. I say it over and over again, because it does, it just happens. How am I supposed to stop something when I don't even know when it will decide to come and go? It just happens! As much as I try to hide it or get rid of it, I can't. I don't know what it is. I just wish I could somehow tell this to somebody who would understand. I don't know who to turn to and I don't even know exactly what I need. I don't even know what I'm so fessed up about, these thoughts, these unrelenting and unforgiving thoughts. I don't know what to make of them and I don't know what they are! I want them out and I tried to forget them, but how can I forget something I don't even know?
I want somebody to understand. How can I tell this to anybody? That there is a constant thought that lingers and refuses to leave? How do I explain this to anybody? How can I explain something that I don't even know? How can I explain this to somebody without having them think I am crazy? How do I tell somebody that I would like to shoot my brains out and die?