I can't distingusih if I'm high on caffine or just extremely happy these days.
I've finally, let go. I've finally got over myself and gave up my craziness. I pretty much gave up. I know it sounds pathetic, I mean, who gives up nowadays? I'm taught to fight for what I want, work for what I want, to never give up. But, I can't help think that there are certain things that aren't meant to be. I shouldn't force something to work, I should wait for everything to just slowly fall together. I shouldn't mess with my fate and force it, if it wasn't meant to be, then it wasn't mean to be. I begged, cried, screamed, and maybe even prayed for something to actually happen, but it just... wasn't mean to be. Like, that's all I have to pretty much say, it wasn't and that's that. I tried too hard to make it meant to be. I should have just let the pieces fall together, then maybe, something would have worked out.
You see, I used to think I was the one who made everything happen. I got to choose my fate, my future, I just had to work for everything. But, I don't think that's entirely the case. Now, I think, there are certain things you can make happen, but others that just don't work that way. Some things, we just have to wait and see where the pieces fall. I mean, you can't force someone to stay in your life. Or can you have the power to meet someone. It just happens. In some way, the people in your life are in there not just because we breathe the same air, but maybe even the smallest people in your life are in it for a reason.
The people in your life. Whether they've caused you great amounts of pain, happiness, and every possible emotion, they're in there for some small reason. Maybe not the greatest reason, but a small bit.
I know, this is so unlike me. I'm back on the my religious issues. I just can't help ignoring the Christian ways when I was born with it. But anyways..
I think God put this person in my life for a reason. In the beginning for a totally different reason, but even though it's not the way I wish/hope for, but this person is still in my life for a reason. I was put in front of temptations, and okay, I lost. I got tempted into it, and maybe because of that, the reason for this person to be in my life has changed. If I hadn't made that mistake, maybe I wouldn't be in such regret & it'd be as great as it was before. Okay, it doesn't really make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. If I hadn't taken that chance and messed it up, that person would be in my life for the same reason as the beginning. But, because of my mistake, this person's in my life for a totally different reason.
In the beginning, it was me teaching. Now? I'm learning. I'm learning from this mistake that I've regretted so much these past couple of months. It's kind of funny, I know it sounds weird that I was teaching. But, you wouldn't understand, Haha.
I'm learning to learn from my mistakes, that some morals that I've kept for myself can sometimes be broken. By making mistakes, I'm able to learn.
Even though, I've been regretting everything that's happened for such a few months, I think I'm able to accept it. Even if it's hard. I can't just keep replaying my memories. Because, memories are just mere memories. They've got no power, they don't have the strength to bring something back. Just nostalgia. I can't live in the past. I think for the few months, I was some sort of frozen clock. Haha, not being able to move on and just begging for everything to go back to normal. I took nothing out of what happened and didn't even think Maybe this happened for a reason. But, I think I know a little bit better now.
I guess I can understand why this person wasn't able to stay in my life the way I've hoped. Even if I don't want to, I accept it. It's my fault for falling under these temptations that I've taught to not do (in both mine & person's way). I've got no choice, anyways. I guess it's the price that I have to pay.
Anyway, if this person was meant to stay in my life, then something would've worked out no matter what. This person's just not able to make my future, like I've hoped.
It's kind of equal & maybe a little fair, in some sorta sick way. LOL.
So, my controversy ends here. I've given up hoping for something that I've lost on my own doings.
My,
annoying, mind consuming, crazy tantrum, constant sighing, insomnia, anxiety attack, depressing, almost life consuming controversy ends here.
I've got to let go. And maybe, something much better will come out of this.
