So, I've noticed these past couple of days, all my good happy memories that used to bring me fits of laughters and a smile to my face have turned into bad memories I wish I've never had. Whenever I think about those memories, I get into a huge tantrum and start to scream. The things that once brought a smile to my face have rotted to a frown. I'm still trying to figure out if it's a good thing, or if it's a bad thing. My controversy was so bad that I had to twist all my memories into things I don't even want to look back into. It's good, I guess. A way to end everything much quicker. It sounds bad, that I've got to twist everything negative to try to make things better, and maybe I am "trying to make myself the last resort." But, I'd rather blame this all on myself, and I'm pretty sure this really is all my fault.
I think I've used up all my "Happy Chemicals." One thing I've noticed is whenever I'm super happy throughout the day and I'm full of smiles, after a while all the happiness fades. It's as if, I can't be happy anymore because I've used it all up.
But, not that I think of it, all my happy chemicals are all gone. And the more I think about it, I'm not a happy person. We're not happy people. Like I told her, we're both depressed people. Just the laughter and enjoyments we encounter throughout the day are distractions to our depressions. I don't know about her, but I believe I can't be happy without achieving my goals. Because when I'm happy, after all those "chemicals" run out, I'm back thinking why the grass can't be greener. Maybe it's because I'm greedy and it's just not enough.
Or, maybe, my "happy chemicals" for my utter happiness have just not yet begun. Not until I've reached my goal. I'm narrow minded. Like how my SAT homework asked if success can be destructive. By having my one main goal, it does make me crazed over only wanting to achieve it, it's not good, but I'm still striving for it. So maybe, our "happy chemicals" have just not yet bubbled, not used up. We haven't even begun our "good life," so how could it all be used up, gorjiess? We've just gotta make our "good life" happen and then we can tell whether or not our chemicals have started to bubble up.
Not to end everything on a negative note...
but I think mine & somebody's "happy chemicals" have already been used up. Or, I'm going to say it has. Unless we both make the effort to make the "happy chemicals" return, it's not going to come back. Since I'm not making any effort whatsoever, it won't come back. Neither is the other person, so it's pretty much all used up.
But you know, as two people, the "happy chemicals" ran out, but as one person, I'm still making myself those "happy chemicals."
I think my bad judgment has turned into experience. For the future, good judgment comes from experience.
I'm hoping, everything's finally have ended.
