There are a few things that people don't know about me. And at times like these, I don't know what to feel and I don't know whose there and whose not.
The thing is... I care too much. I just care too fucking much. And as much as I'd like to tell myself and others that I don't give a fuck; my mind is on a roll, racing to find out the why's, what's, and how's. And as much as I keep a front, I'm a very, very, very timid person. I think too much and way too hard of things that shouldn't matter. I'm afraid of words. I want to feel safe and I want to surround myself with walls. I want to be able to let go and begin to care less of things that shouldn't matter. I want somebody to understand, to be able to break these barricades around me and to somehow find a light inside of me. I just don't really think I know how to allow a person to break these walls down.
Yet, how can I be so terribly naive? Yes, this is only momentary. I understand that, I understand myself enough to know this, but why do I allow myself to delve deep into thoughts and find meaning in the smallest of things? I'm really sick of myself. I want to believe in something, knowing the lies I'm feeding myself. I don't know what's worse. That I'm allowing myself to, as it brings me momentary happiness, or continuing to be happy over these lies. I hate how girls have the tendency to believe things are "meant to be," or somehow twist fabricated words into reality.
But either way, I still am a hundred percent sure of one thing: This doesn't come up to par as the other. Pathetic and apathetic, it doesn't really matter. I don't mind, I'm simply stating the facts.
I'd also like to add, I don't entirely hate the "happily ever after's." I just don't believe in them, and as much as I'd like to, I just don't really enjoy them. I might not hate them, but I don't like them. Yes, I believe in the happy middle's. In fact, I'm in love with them. They're my favorite part of the story. I just don't particularly believe that the ending should be happy as well. Why are we so obsessed with happy endings? Everything that comes together, must fall apart. I'm not a cynic, I just think the terrible endings are much more enjoyable. A happy ending, ends with a happy ending, the end. But an open ending leaves space for a person to grow, to find happiness in something else, I don't know. Just don't talk to me about happy endings, they kind of make me sick.
Did you know, though? I live my life through my mind. I live my mind in the future, rotting my present. However, I must tell you something, I'm losing my mind.
I don't really know what I'm saying, to be honest. I don't really know anything, ever at all, actually. I just know I'd rather be anywhere but here. School is utterly sucking the soul out of me, yet I still don't really mind. I wish I could black myself out with life's alcohol and escape this. This, that, who, what, where, when, how, I don't know and I don't really give a fuck. My mind is anywhere but here.
