Just... the utter stress, frustration, and inner turmoil I am going through right now is simply indescribable. Awake at 6:12 AM on a Monday morning, class in three hours, with unfinished assignments; it truly never ceases to amaze me. These tears literally pouring down my face, I cannot even attempt to describe these emotions that a thousand "fuck's" could not even suffice. And all this frustration for this? For school? For my Microeconomics class? Those tears that I spilled months ago, so foolish, so childish. I am literally in tears over my frustration for Microeconomics. Really, I am really breathing and living in my textbook. Taking notes, outlining chapters, researching online; but why do I fail to understand these assignments? I would go through my poisonous memories a thousand times over than have to deal with this confusion, frustration, and anger upon my stupidity.
I know being a business major isn't for me. Let alone an Economics major. I knew this from the very beginning. I have no passion for supply and demand graphs and marginal tax rates. But it's honestly everything I wish and want to be. Why a Business major? Because it's money. It's true though, there are other options, a doctor perhaps, so why must it be business? Because business majors are independent, strong, smart, and undeniably successful. Business majors are suave and have an irresistible swag. They understand and have an unending knowledge. Business majors succeed with language, with mathematics, with economics, with current events, with communications... Business majors create a whole company, corporation, building entirely on their own.
People ask me why The Social Network is my favorite movie. Why? Because the characters in the movie are exactly the type of person I would like to be. Like Mark Zuckerberg, a know it all, stuck up, genius. A person who creates the biggest social networking site and the youngest billionaire in the world. Like Sean Parker, a young entrepreneur, a founder of companies at such a young age. And most importantly and especially, like Eduardo Saverin; a man who memorized the formula at the top of his and recites it with such swag. Loaded with cash, understands business, wears suits, and ever so coolly calls himself an Economic major. Eduardo Saverin the exact person I wish to be. I long to be the female version of him. I dream of one day being like him and simply worship the ground he walks.
And here I am at GCC, literally in tears because of Microeconomics. 6:33 AM and I have just realized that I will never be like Eduardo Saverin. I have literally worshiped his knowledge and I am here in complete frustration. I will never be able to attend Harvard University for my graduate school, as I always wished for. Nor will I even be able to attend University of Pennsylvania, Wharton School of Business for my Undergrad. Nor will I be able to attempt to achieve a PhD degree at USC for some mathematical branch like my dad. I told myself last night that I will get through this, get through Economics, but here I am Monday morning... Unable to comprehend my assignment.
I have never felt so frustrated in a class in my entire life. I'm not simply crying over my frustration in Economics. I'm crying because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I read my Economics textbook, no matter how much time I spend on Economics, I can't seem to understand. I'm crying because I am literally consuming my life into Economics and letting every one of my other classes slip away from me. I'm crying because I really think it's time for me to let go. Let go of wanting to be a successful, independent, business/economics major.
And I cry because, I wonder, how many more dreams must I give up in the future?
