I miss quite a few things actually. But I think I miss myself the most. I don't really know how to put it, but I feel like I've lost myself along the way and I as I try to retrace my steps- I think I lost myself as I lost some of the most important people in my life. When I let certain people in my life walk away.
In the last year, I've lost two very important people. And I miss them everyday of my life. I don't think a day goes by without me wondering what had happened to them, what's going on in their lives, if they even think of me; miss me. I used to feel so bitter- what had I possibly done wrong for them to walk out of my life?
I logged into my Facebook account for the first time in months and as I scrolled down the feed, I realized I didn't even know half the people I've been "friends" with. I mean, isn't this pathetic? I'm friends with tons (not literally) of people on a social networking site, but I can't even recapture worthwhile memories of these people? I "know" these people through a drunken night that I can barely even remember. How is this friendship? Where is the depth, the intimacy, the trust?
I haven't cried in months and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably by the utter emptiness of it all.
My life has succumbed into a world of alcohol, drugs, and empty conversations built on intoxicated ego. I can't remember the last time I've had a conversation full of depth. I find myself drowning in small talk; waiting for the moment to leave the conversation. When was the last time I've felt an actual connection with someone?
I've lost two of my greatest friendships because I was too busy making acquaintances with people who have never benefited me in any way, know me in any other way than my intoxicated habits, or even have the slightest care for me. And the sad truth is that I almost lost more than just those two friends.
I used to be blessed with a small handful of friends that I trusted, now I see friendships glued together by alcohol, partying, and (the saddest of all) habit.
I'm twenty years old and all my life can account for is broken friendships, drunken nights, cynical thoughts, and empty words. I've done nothing with my life- neither traveled nor educated. My eyes have seen nothing and my heart has turned cold on blankness. I'm twenty-fucking-years old and I've done nothing with my life. And- prior to my initial thoughts- I can assure you, there is no romantic notion in this lifestyle.
I miss listening to The Beatles with car windows down, hair blowing in the wind, and commenting on the California weather. I miss simplistic conversations of sillyness over lunch. I miss lying on the living room floor, watching movies, stuffing my face with junk food, and sighing over the innocent future. I miss lying on the grass, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea, and talking about the darker parts of our minds.
I miss you two dearly. And of all people, I think I loved you two the most.
But do you know what the scariest part is? Come Thursday night and you will find me intoxicated off my ass only to wake up the next morning dissatisfied with where the direction of my life is headed.
I don't think I have any other friends to spend my time with.
