Let Go

"Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say 'so what'. That's one of my favorite things to say."

Andy Warhol

"I found that every single successful person I’ve ever spoken to had a turning point and the turning point was where they made a clear, specific, unequivocal decision that they were not going to live like this anymore. Some people make that decision at 15 and some people make it at 50 and most never make it at all."

Brian Tracy

I had a rough night sometime last week. I was awake for hours thinking of everything that had gone wrong in my life. I couldn't keep count. Laying on my bed with such a heavy heart; My heart felt dark and broken. And my mind really couldn't stop- it was on a roll. Rolling on and on about all the mistakes that I have made, the words I should have said, and the what-if's my mind had painted pictures of. It was hopeless, really. I cried and cried asking for someone out there to turn back time- to allow me one more chance to make everything better again.
And just how many times have I asked empty air this question? I can't even count how many times that I've asked thin air to turn back time; just this once, oh please, turn back the clocks just this once for me.
Three hours into this little meltdown of mine, I was utterly fucking sick of myself. Just how pathetic it is of me to always be crying about the wrong turns in my life and all the shit I once should have said.
But, you know what?
Time won't turn back for me- it won't turn back for anybody.
And I really need to learn and accept this.
Because life is not as romantic as I would love it to be.
And I'm just learning this now.
I used to believe that I was always at rock bottom and I think I subconsciously wished, hoped, and thought that somebody out there would come and save me. From me.
Isn't it ridiculous? I've romanticized my problems into believing that someone will come in their knight and shining armor only to rescue me from my own sanity. It's ironic just how much hope I had into believing somebody would find something in me when I look and carry myself in such utter disgust.
I shouldn't be waiting around for somebody to come and save me. I should be saving myself and becoming the best possible "me" I can ever be. I admit that I've made mistakes. And I've made many regretful decisions, but what good does it do for me if all I do is cry for weeks about it?
Twenty years and moping around hasn't gotten me anywhere.
So, this is it.
I'm done waiting around for someone or something that will never come. I'm done with allowing people to walk all over me. I'm done with dealing with people I'm tired of. And, most of all, I'm done with my constant crying and self-destructive habits.
I need to learn to grab life by the horns and let it know who's boss.
And I'm not saying it's going to be easy. Because I woke up this morning wanting to cry over the asymmetrical way our minds think- like how it didn't matter how much I thought of you because you wouldn't reciprocate mine.
It's not going to be easy because I can't get the thought of you out of my head, but I won't let it drown me like it once did. It's not going to be easy because I've built relationships out of habitual moments, but I don't need many people around me.
Just me.
Because this is about me.
I am the protagonist of my own story. I'm the main character in this life and I won't believe otherwise.

"It's your life. If you don't make it so that you get what you want, nobody else will."

The Popularity Rules, Abby Mcdonald

you are allowed to terminate toxic relationships

you are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you

you are allowed to be angry and selfish and unforgiving

you don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself