Do you want to read a pathetic story?
I used to fit into size zero pants when I was a freshman in high school.
And there's this one pair of size zero shorts that I used to absolutely adore. I bought them for around seventy bucks. Mind you, they were shorts for seventy bucks. They were my absolute favorite. Perfect color, perfect length, just my style.
Guess where those shorts are?
Sitting in the back of my closet collecting dust and waiting for me to be able to wear them again.
Dieting sucks. I've probably done every single diet in history. I diet, lose a ton of weight, gain it all back.
But this time, I think it'll be different.
This time, I know it'll be different.
I cried last night.
As pathetic as it sounds, yeah, I cried.
Because I've finally realized and accepted just how important something was to me. And I'm not going to lie, I still find it important.
There was this one thing that I've always brushed to the back of my mind. I tried so hard to keep it out of my life and in many ways, it worked. I found different distractions to rid these thoughts, but little did I know it was only momentarily. And suddenly, its as if all these thoughts came rushing back. There was no distractions and I was stuck in a trance, reveling back into these worn out, dusty, abused thoughts.
So, I cried.
I didn't cry because I was angry at the memories returning and having to think back to them.
I cried because I came across my past words. I looked unto those words and I looked at last night's words.
I don't really know the connection to the two. Last night's words were the same as usual. Telling myself that it isn't, it wasn't, it isn't important. But looking back to the past words, all it said was it is, it was, it is important. These past words were words that were written without much thought. Written in the midst of the moment, written with no thoughts at all. But last night's words were thought out, organized, and planned.
I cried at my past words and last night's words. Because no matter how much I write and read last night's words, these past words are the truth.
These past words meant so much to me and its sad to see just how much I was in love with this thing and just how important it was to me. Never in my life have I ever wanted anything more and its sad to see that I've never got it, and never will.
I cried because I knew just how important this was to me and just how important it still is to me.
I accept it. I accept that it wasn't a mere obsession. It was so much more than that. It still is. I'm not going to say that I didn't and I don't, because if I did, it'd be a lie. And how long have I been lying to myself for? For too long. So, I accept how important this is to me and I'm ready to accept that this just might be with me for forever. There's no turning back and I accept that I might possibly still be in love with it in the future.
That's why I know it'll be different this time.
There will be no more failures and no more giving myself second chances.
I'm going to change. And I'm going to become the person that I've always wanted to be. And the person I've always wanted to be is the same person as the other person wanted. Because I've always wanted to be the person as the other person wanted. Because that person, is me.
Since I have accepted that it might possibly be with me forever, why not?
Why not become the person that I've always wanted to be, be the person the other person always wanted?
I really hope nobody understands this post.
But I don't worry too much, because I don't understand it myself.
