I want to go back in time. Time scares me so much. It is already April and I have yet felt accomplished. I remember when I was younger, quite possibly even last year, I used to have such dreams. Vivid, impossible, and courageous dreams. Dreams that can take my mind anywhere and wherever it wanted to go; whatever I saw fit, it was possible. And I look back unto those dreams, those pure and innocent, almost childlike dreams, I don't really know what to feel. It's like the society is so keen on teaching kids that anything is possible, but they never really do teach you the realities of the society. I look at these dreams somewhat angered over reality and how cruel it can be. How I want to leave everything behind and leave for somewhere far, far away from here. How naive and foolish is it to believe that I have the ability to find something whilst leaving everything here? Like the movies?

I watched my cousin leave for Korea once again, leaving everything behind. Her future, her schoolwork, her priorities. Why? Because she's depressed. I am not at all bitter by this, I envy this. Because isn't everybody?

I don't have guts though. I value my future too much. Which makes me laugh a disgusting and bitter laugh because my future means nothing to me. I hold dreams of useless wonder and impossible thoughts trapped in my mind.

People are always telling you everything is possible. People are always telling you hard work will pay off in the future while others tell you to live in the moments. You see, the problem with this is there is no such thing as being part of the two. You either live for tomorrow or today. I could live for today, worrying for my tomorrow or live for tomorrow, crying today. Then there's the case of living your day as if it's your last, which means you live for today not giving a care for tomorrow. But what happens if it isn't your last day? Your tomorrow, you cry. What if you decide not to live like it's your last, and strive for the better tomorrow? Then you waste your today, crying and find your day really was the last. How is there a possible balance between this?

I don't know where I stand. These steaming tears can't do shit for me yet I still cry for an impossible answer. I'm scared for my future and my present.