This week, last week, this month, haven't been the brightest. They could be better, should be better.
Lately, I've been in some sort of a slump and can't seem to get out of it. I don't know what it is. But when do I ever know what it is? I can't really seem to understand it all. I can't seem to sleep, yet all I do is sleep. I've been taking hours on end to fall asleep and taking forever to arise. Uncomfortable slumbers. And I don't really know the cause of it. Just compulsively trying to understand Economics and wondering if Business is really the way for me. Because, is it really? It surely isn't my passion. If anything, I'd excel in communications, compassionate jobs, I don't know, surely not Business, though. But I guess I'm money hungry and determined to throw my middle finger up at everybody who told me I couldn't. This isn't really my motives for blogging. I just don't really know what to do. With school, major, life, everything. I've been talking. Excessively. To myself. In my car. It helps, I guess. I don't really know what I ramble and mumble about. Sometimes I'm whispering, sometimes I'm yelling, sometimes I'm simply talking. I'm not really talking to myself, though. I don't really know who I talk to. I tell them undoubtedly everything. I wish they really were there to listen, though. Listen to not judge me. But I guess I really am talking to myself. I don't know what it is I'm happy and sad about. I can't distinguish what's right and wrong. I can't figure what's real and what's not. I'm not sure if I'm in a dilemma or not. Maybe I'm not even in a slump, maybe I am at my peak. When will my life start? I always tell myself after this my life will start, after that my life will start, 2011 will be when my life starts, all this bullshit is when my life starts. I'm wasting away, waiting for the moment of my life to start. And it's so pathetic that I'm always waiting for the start of my life when it won't start until I make it start. I'm just so sick of it all and I feel like giving up. And I think about exactly what I feel like giving up and the sad truth is, almost nothing. My life almost means nothing to me, yet I value so much of it. I can't seem to get out of this mess and I just wish I'd find the willpower to try. To try with all of my heart and soul for one last time. Because I feel if not now, it truly is the end of everything. Everything is all speed and I seem to be left alone watching everything pass by me. With no feelings at all. Happiness, for the sickest reasons possible and sadness, that I am left behind. And I'm worried. I'm worried for my mind and for my life. If I can't seem to get certain memories and thoughts out of my life, I don't think I'll have the faith to open new doors. I'm so stuck up on the past, present, and future that I'm lost in the middle of nowhere. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anything. Ever. I wish I'd understand all this. I want to erase you and I mean completely. I don't want to simply be able to look back smiling and laughing, but I wish I'd be able to look back in confusion. Because I wish there would be nothing to look back to. Forget that, though. I just need to find my way. I need to learn to pick myself up after I've fallen and I think in this case, to pick myself up after years of being on the floor. This truly is the start of it all. I hope to find hope and find enough faith to try once more. Slowly, but surely, I will be back. Better than ever and changed.
