Panic attack, panic attack, panic attack. If anybody knows me, I'm the most paranoid, skeptical person alive.
Last night was a good night. Maybe a little too good of a night. I had a little too much fun and need to learn to tone it down a couple of notches. Yesterday was a eventful, crazy, emotional, blurry mess. And I want to emphasis on the mess.
And before I begin to even revel back into my night, I just had a mini panic attack. Because my blog is open to the public. Free for anybody to read. People I don't know, people who don't care, people who I do know. Which worries me because the people that may know me, might begin to speculate of exactly what, who, where, and exactly what era I blog about. But I just want to say, if you think I'm talking about you, it probably isn't you. Not at all in a mean, snobbish way! I just mean that these people that I discuss about are the least expected people of all. But maybe that's what makes everything so much more predictable.
But anyway,
last night was a blurry mess and a roller coaster of emotions. In the beginning, everything was just dandy as I was socializing with various people. Until a nerve hit me. Such a mess, I can tell you that. I began to speak loudly of absolutely everything. Everything I've tried so hard to keep inside. I began to spill my whole life story to random people that I met a few hours back. Yelling, crying, creating such an embarrassing scene. Still intoxicated, left the house and walked a long distance to a friend's dorm. And as we were walking back to the dorm, my mind rambled out loud once more. Talking, talking, talking. I really just couldn't stop. Yelled the same word over and over again. Talked, talked, talked. Exposed my whole insane mind to these people that I barely even know. The thing is, as I was telling these people absolutely everything, I kept telling myself 'I'm going to regret this tomorrow morning, I'm going to regret this tomorrow morning.' But I just couldn't stop, it just kept coming out. And as expected, I woke up this morning in full regret. How could I let myself talk so much? How vulnerable was I? What in the heck did I drink? How much did I exactly say? Too much, too everything.
So, as I came back home, I thought of all the regretful words that came out of my mouth and was in utter disappointment in myself. But a couple of hours ago, as I was sipping on my orange juice, I began to laugh. And not that sick, twisted laugh that I laugh so often on this dilemma. But it was a good, hearty laugh. A laugh for the utter silliness and pointlessness of it all! I laughed of just how much I didn't care anymore, just how much I'm over it. I felt so relieved! All the words that I kept bottled up for so long were gone, gone, gone. All gone! And what's done is done. I felt so free and really everything was about letting go. I let go and I feel fresh and anew. I guess I don't regret last night's rambles, but I really am over it. Even though I always say it. But today, I truly am over it. Not because it's the only choice but because I have just realized how stupid and dumb everything all was.
Even though I told myself I would stop cussing. And not for you, this is for myself.
But here's a big Fuck You to you.
I really hope, pray, and wish that you'll regret your choices. And as much as I wish for your success and don't hold any hard feelings, I really do wish you'll always have that regret in your mind. I wish for you to be happy, I truly do, but I also wish for you to always have that one thought in the back of your mind. And on certain nights, I want it to eat you alive only to spit you back out in the morning. You'll feel sleepless, tired, and numb. I wish for you to think, but you wouldn't understand exactly what you're thinking about. I hope you'll revel back, just like I did for too long, and you'll be so confused about exactly what went wrong. And as happy as you are, there will always be that in the back of your mind. Everything that I felt, I hope you feel it ten times more.
I truly, utterly, with all my heart wish for your happiness. I do, I really do. But you see, the thing is, for me to be happy is for you to feel what I have felt for years. It would make me happy for year's on end and you would want me to be happy, too. Because during those years, despite my problems, I still only wished for your happiness. Don't get me wrong though, I still want you to be happy. Just unable to forget because all I wanted from you was to understand. So, this is what I wish for. Every day. Why, though? Why can't I cleanly just let it go? Because it truly would make me happy. I'm not living for your happiness any longer because from this day on, I'm living for myself.
Please, be happy. But you won't ever forget.
And I'm really fucking fine with that, here's my last smile to ya' :)
